Hi all!
advice needed! My sons mother has always tried to stop me seeing my son directly or indirectly by making things difficult for me, for various reasons such as she doesn’t want my son around my long term partner whom I have twins with, amongst other ridiculous things she comes up with.
The most recent thing is that she is refusing to drop off or pick up our son on the days that I have him, and I’ve only asked her to help with this sometimes. Ive suggested that we can split that responsibility, she used to do it without any issues but she is now refusing (which I think she is doing to be spiteful as she has said “I am not dropping him off or picking him up even if I am free, if you want to see your son you’ll have to do both every week or you don’t see him”). This then triggered her to get her mother to send me abusive messages saying I’m the worst father in the world if I can’t do all pick ups and drop offs. This isn’t fair obviously I have two infants and I share a car with my partner who works and I’m not always able to do this every week. My ex has no other kids and doesn’t live far but she thinks she’s doing me a favour by dropping him off which is why she says she’s not doing it. I told her it’s for our son not for me! I’ve spoken to a family solicitor for some advise and she told me that the legal precedent in court is that the judge tells the parents that this responsibility is to be shared as it is both parents responsibility to ensure their child has access to the other parent. She advised me that this usually split where parents take turns and only in exceptional circumstances is it ruled that one parent must do all pick ups and drop offs. I’ve communicated this to my ex but she is still refusing and where I’ve really been unable to pick him up I’ve now not been able to see him! Has anyone been through this before or have any advice for me? I really wanted to avoid going to court but I feel like she just thinks she can bully me and it just affects our son more than anything.
Hi,
How far do you live from ex? I think to avoid any further confrontation with your ex, it would be better if you do all the pick up and drops, although it may be difficult.
@bill337 about 10 mins away. unfortunately I’m not able to do the pick up and drop off every single time as I have two babies and I share a car with my partner who may have to go to work in the car sometimes. I used to do most of them but at times when I wasn’t able to, which was once or twice a month, she would just do it. But then she asked me if I could have my son once on a different day when I was working and I said I wasn’t able to now she’s refusing to do any pick ups or drop offs and has said that’s going to be the case “even if she’s free” and it’s basically stopping me seeing my son some weeks. I don’t think this fair so that’s why I rang a solicitor for advice and was told this issue comes up a lot in court and usually the judgement would be to split it and take it in turns. I’ve tried talking to her about it but she’s basically telling me to take her to court and get it in writing otherwise she’s not budging
theres not much you can do unless you go in front of a judge and get it in a court order.
in my court order this isnt made clear, but in court the judge said pickups to be done by mother and drop off by me. But because it isnt clear in the order, or really mentioned the ex is refusing to do it, saying the judge said im to do it all; which wasnt the case. shes know exactly the judge said its to be shared, as we actually bought it to judges attention.
not much i can do, unless i go back to court and get it enforced which is a ordeal in itself.
I think you should try to pick your son all the time and avoid the conflict. Maybe buy a second hand car or rearrange things with your wife. Any court proceedings will take time and a lot of money and she could get even worse like completely blocking access to your son. The resident parent (mother in this case) has everything in her favour. They know the process is ridiculously slow and in their favour. My ex said one day I don't think it is a good idea for you to see our son. That was it. Blocked everywhere. I haven't seen my son in a year. I have no idea where he is or how he is doing. Several court hearings and still nowhere close to contact him.
@Vik2001 what, that’s so unfair! The solicitor told me there’s a defined order I could apply for. Why is it such a big deal for them to just do one trip? Just don’t get why it’s always got to be so difficult just because I don’t have him full time, which she wouldn’t allow anyway so it makes no sense.
@edpacket so sorry to hear you’re going through that mate it’s just awful!! we’re not in a financial position right now where we can buy a second car or drop work days and to be honest it’s been a real struggle with twins aswell , ex knows all this but is very very bitter about the fact I’ve moved on so for two years has been trying to make things really difficult, even to the extent of sending abuse to my wife. It’s not every week that I can’t pick him up but on the odd times she says no (even if she’s sat at home doing nothing) and that she doesn’t care if I get a taxi with my twin babies to come and pick up and drop off my son which is completely unreasonable. She might not think missing that day of seeing my son is a big deal but I do!
The situation must be really difficult for you. I don't suppose there is any chance of swapping days or changing times on occasions so you can do the pick up when you have the car available?
@champagne that would be great to be flexible with days but again, if it doesn't come from her it's a no. She will just tell me not to have him at all for the week. If she wants to change the day or time it's fine though. She basically takes the stance that she is the resident parent so what she says goes only. For example, once she asked me to have him an hour earlier as she was starting work earlier, I had no issue with this and have done this many many times. However, once I had a doctors appointment and asked if I could pick him up an hour later and she pointblank refused and said i'd have to take him to the doctor with me or I can't have him at all. This is how it has been for years. I don't say anything because I want to see my son but frankly i've had enough!
Yes, it must be very frustrating. Do you get involved with the school? If you are on the birth certificate, so having parental rights, you are entitled to reports etc. You need to know if your son is presenting well at school. Another thought if its been going on for years, is your son at an age he can use public transport (if there is any). Other than that, is there a family member who might help?
@champagne no he’s still really young so it’s even harder. family have been able to help on the odd occasion but it’s not enough. I’ve recently missed two weeks of seeing him because of this whereas this was never an issue before and I’m really worried about my bond with him. She’s punishing me because I wasn’t able to leave work last minute to have him for a few hours so that she could go out with her friends even though I couldn’t exactly just leave work for no reason, not like he was unwell! I really do try my best with my son but I feel like she’s constantly keeping score and playing immature games. If she’s not directly stopping me from seeing him for a month, she’s making it very difficult to. I think court may be my only option, even if it does take a while at least I will be able to consistently see him