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[Solved] advice needed


I am at present going througth a divorce , I have two kids , a boy and a girl ,12 and 9 . My ex is being totally unreasonable about me having any contact with my children whatsoever .
Things started going awry a couple of years ago when I suffered a breakdown of sorts , I walked out the door and did,nt come back for 2 months ......sleeping rough ...visiting friends and family......basically just trying to find some peace. My wife promised to help if I came back but things remained the same within our relationship which has eventually caused the split . I took medication for 2 years and saught help from the doctor and have now been discharged and free from taking pills , its been hard at times and the lack of support was the straw that broke the camels back.
I saw my kids as often as I wanted until she started a new relationship, I have not had access now for 4 months, I,m been systematically driven away , for reasons that ,other than spite .. jealousy or just plain hatred I do not understand .
Terms of access were set .......I agreed ...... they were withdrawn .......... on the statement for children she asked for mediation........ I agreed.......... she then refused to go . At every turn I am blocked by a blind refusal to even speak to me other than through her new partner , which aint helping .
I,m being accused of allsorts ..... ridiculous statements that look good on paper but have no truth in them .
I just want to matter to my kids , I dont know how I,m being portrayed to them .
Legalities are taking forever , and I,m getting desperate , will it get better ... or worse , I aint been here before so I dont know ,was just hoping someone could offer some hope ,
I always tried to be the best dad I could .... I thought I,d always done right by my children .......everybody seemed to think so until now , and shes the only one who sees it her way , I do matter .... I have to .......I,m their dad

Posted : 10/09/2009 7:05 am

Hi merlindog

Sorry to hear this problem that you are going through, however we have a legal eagal page that you can look at (link below) and I can also
speak to our advice team to contact you, it may take a few days so keep posted.


Posted : 10/09/2009 2:27 pm
Reputable Member Registered

Dear merlindog

As you were married to your children's mother you have parental responsibility for your children. In practical terms parental responsibility means the power to make important decisions in relation to a child - for example, decisions about where a child is to live, whether a child should receive medical treatment, what religion the child should follow and which school they should attend.

Unfortunately, parental responsibility does not give a right of contact with a child. The children themselves have a right of contact and if the children are considered too young to exercise that right then it is up to the resident parent to decide how much, if any, contact to allow. Therefore, your wife refusing you contact with your children may not be morally correct however it is not unlawful.

There are ways which you can gain contact with your children. The first option that you should consider is that of family mediation. Most parents who apply to court for a contact order try mediation first. The courts generally like to see that the parents have attempted to resolve the problems themselves. In many instances, legal aid will only be granted where mediation has been tried.

However, in your post you do state that you have already offered mediation to your wife and she has refused to go. If this is the case then you have the option of making an application to court for a contact order. A contact order is an order made by the court under s.8 Children Act 1989. The order makes clear who shall have contact with the child, how often this will be and how long the contact will be for.

Going to court can be a stressful and expensive experience. It is a 'last resort'. Before making an application for an order parents should seek legal advice. It is possible for a parent to make an application themselves, but there are advantages to being represented by a solicitor. A solicitor will know and understand the process and procedures and can help reach agreements.

The court must only make an order where they consider it would be better for the child to do so rather than making no order at all. To make an application to the court you can either use a solicitor or alternatively act for yourself as a litigant in person.

If you are going to act for yourself because you do not qualify for legal aid then an application to the court can be made by filling out a C100 form and sending it to the court. You can obtain the C100 form by visiting the Her Majesty’s Court Service website ( ) or alternatively you can visit your local county court to collect the form. Guidance on how the children and family courts operate can be found by following this link: ... 1_0806.pdf . There is an application fee of £175.

Once the form has been completed you should return it to the court with the fee. The parties involved will receive a date on which to attend court.The court will make a decision regarding what contact to allow based on what is considered to be in your children’s best interests.

As your son is 12 he is likely to be getting to an age where he may be considered competent by the court to make a decision regarding contact for himself. This will not depend on your son’s age but his level of maturity and understanding of the situation.

It is likely that the judge will instruct a CAFCASS officer to review your situation and make a report back to the judge regarding how much contact, if any, should be granted. The CAFCASS officer will speak to you, your wife and your children to determine what they feel is in your children's best interests. The CAFCASS report is generally heavily relied upon by the judge when deciding whether or not an order should be made.

If a contact order is put in place then your wife cannot override this. Your wife will be bound to follow the order and there are penalties for breach of a contact order.

We hope this information has been of use to you. For further clarification regarding this issue or any other issue of child law then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 08088 020 008.

Kind regards
Children’s Legal Centre

Posted : 14/09/2009 8:51 pm

Many thanks for your reply ,it has given me some idea of what to expect ......the current situation is now that .......I have recieved notification from my wifes solicitors telling me that she believes the children are now " better off for not having contact" and that the reason she has refused mediation is that she fears harrasment outside wherever we were asked to attend , and she wants no contact with me whatsover ever again because of my constant harrasment . there is no case for me to answer to , no official complaint , no police involvment , its never happened , not once, but I am been subject to character assassination to virtually everyone who knew us as a couple . I apparently am on drugs .... violent .....and unfit to see my kids lies from start to finish but it just keeps on coming day after day , either verbally from whoever or postally from her solicitor, my son phoned me because I managed to pass my number on through a friend and told me that he could,nt see me anymore because "mum and Nick , her new fella ,keep arguing about it and he did,nt want to upset them did he " . I was shattered, my son who went everwhere with me , cryin terribly on the phone, I fear I,m fighting a losing battle ,but , if it costs me everything I will see my kids ❗

Posted : 16/09/2009 6:51 am
Harveys Dad
(@Harveys Dad)
Reputable Member Registered

Hi Merlindog

Mate do keep us updated with how things go. Try and keep your eye on the goal and, as tough as this is to say, if you can keep soft about your ex. If you feed the anger within it will only consume you and spill out, which to be honest wont help your cause. Let her be the one to explode!

There is a great articles on forgiveness on the site see here - ... articletop

We are currenlty editing an article that should be up soon entitled I Hate Her! why bother to resolve things with your ex. ❗

As i say do keep us up to date with stuff, all the best bro.

Posted : 18/09/2009 2:03 pm

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