[Solved] new child
hello all another change has happend. basically back in my stupid days I also slept around and had a boy from the start the mum didnt want me involved ect and honestly I didnt want to have another child so I didnt bother. hes 1 year younger then my eldest and sees her my eldest hes 8
basically the mum messaged me today saying that my other ex stalks my social media ect and to be careful and then since then shes been asking do I want to meet my son she blatantly hates my other ex because shes mentioned alot but shes pushing alot for me to meet my son but being calm about it
what do I do. I dont feel anything for him because I dont know my son and I never thought I'd be involved. as much of a [censored] it makes me sound it's a [censored] situation.
do I try to get involved. or do I leave it as it is.
if I did get involved is sepeate it all because I've mixed my eldest with my other children at home before and it was constant mess reports hassle so itll be me taking both kids out sepeate.
but issue is I feel nothing both my exes i have kids with rub.it in each others faces that I see my daughter but not my son they wind eachother up ect proberly wh7 she messaged me
but i feel nothing I dont know him and I'm worried about opening this door.
you could meet up with him for a short time if you like, and see how things go. he's your child right, so he deserves to have a father in his life.
this is the situation I admit I should of used protection stupid time in my life shes basically messages me because I see my eldest another ex have for 9 years let's call her L has been a shitstorm court ect shes a nasty pos to deal with but my eldest also sees my other child so obviously my ex rubs it in my other exes face alot and is nasty about it all.
then suddenly I get a message when I havnt heard in 8 years saying I'm being stalked by my ex ect ect this was from the child I havnt seen mother which I replied I no she hasnt stopped then she basically is begging me to see my son given me the option ect ect. thing is I generally do not feel anything I dont even know him atall and I'm generally not a stable person after all the [censored] that's ever happend I'm fairly broken.
Personally, i think the kid deserves a chance, He will be at an age now where his friends all have dad's and he will wonder why he doesnt have one. I think there is no harm in meeting him, you never know, he might be just like you, have the same interests as you and you could form a good solid relationship. Kids need a father in their life, you may not feel anything towards him now, but you may do over time. I think you should give him a chance
I do see your point it's a [censored] situation and I proberly will start to feel closer in time it's just at the moment I feel nothing as bad as it sounds a kid being blood doesnt automatically make a bond even my eldest it stopped for 2 years due to the mum and having to take her to court and even now it's hard because there was a 2 year gap
just a scary situation that I've put my head in the sand until now all suddenly came out of nowhere
yes it must be tough for you. but we also have to take responsibility for our actions. if both of your exes/current partner don't contact each other, then it shouldn't be an issue if you were to go and quietly meet your other child.
my current partner is actually supporting it she said theres no secrets and everyone knows eachother so when there all older they can all meet and that without it being a big secret its just a big thing I'm just anxious on feeling nothing towards him and if that's a normal feeling
These are quite personal decisions you need to make. My own opinion is that the kid deserves a chance and that potentially in the long term you will regret not taking up the opportunity and by then it could be too late if you do try to make contact yourself. At the moment you have a current partner, see some kids, have a home and maybe a job etc. However if your current circumstances were different then you may decide differently.
The fact you feel nothing is normal after all you haven't seen them. However I'm sure in time (even if it's a long time) you will develop a relationship and feelings. I imagine even now you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to your child?
One thing to keep in mind is that if you do decide to see child is to not mess them about and play with their emotions, feelings etc which would really impact them. They may get excited to see you but then feel dejected if you reject them and this may cause significant long term harm. So if you do decide to meet then at least commit to it and agree (even if just with yourself) that you will do it for a minimum period of time and actually try to make it work and give it a fair chance and not just give up after a few meetings.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thankyou for your reply I appreciate it.
My partner is more for me to go for it and give it ago everything is currently separate from my eldest child with my other ex due to her constantly getting involved social reports empaotionaly it's destroyed us she even tried to make us loose our baby when we went through care proceedings against a hospital due to them accidentally hurting our baby and us getting the blame but she still tried to ruin us even the court said she's getting to involved and made her back off.
If I was to see him it would ideally be the same time as ok take my eldest out for the day so I'd take my other 2 children out together and in turn have my home life with my partner and our young children.
My partner says at this age it's really messy and when everyone's older it'll be easier there choices no controlling exes but atm it's a mess
Thing is I'm mega nervous incase I start this and it goes to [censored] this ex was a major obsessive stalker in the past would turn up and I'm worried about it happening but my partner says what's the worst that happens she goes mental stalks you u call the police it's better to address the children then let it be a dark secret that bites you in the [censored] in the future basically. But then my friend said you've had to much heartache with kids fighting loosing so don't do it..
I'm so conflicted
I agree with daddyup. the kid deserves a chance, and we all know that kids need fathers in their life. for their own stability.
I would be wary of some advice you may get from friends/family. after my marriage ended I received some ridiculous advice. such as don't bother see your kids now. let their mum carry the burden of looking after them. don't show any interest in the kids.
they have no idea what we are going through and don't see things from our situation.
It's a difficult decision, I don't envy you.
However what I would say is that a lot of the advice given has been about you. Either don't see you child and maybe you'll have an easier life or see your child but then get grief from ex etc.
Maybe consider looking at things from your child's point of view when deciding. If you don't see them, there may be a psychological impact and emotional well being damaged. They will grow up not knowing you and having no relationship with you. May grow up to hate you and if you contact them later in life they will not want to know you. They may even end up seeing someone else as a father figure and reject you totally. If you do see them you can provide all the emotional support a father does. Take them out, enjoy spending time with them. Teach them life skills, be someone they can turn to. Grow and develop your relationship.
I kinda agree with your partner, what's the worse that can happen?
Ultimately the choice is yours and there are sacrifices either way.
Thanks for replying thing is long term I proberly will end up getting close and feeling something for him it's just the general plunge and do it. To be honest my worry isn't mainly the kids it's the exes it's never been the kids that worry me but what's the worst that happens my ex goes abit nuts stalks us and then you call the police.
I don't really deal with situations very well after all the court stuff with our daughter and fighting the hospital I was on anti depressants for 5 years and solely came off because it all got used against me so I get very anxious.
I'm not depressed anymore I hated the pills but they number my brain