Hello, I am new here - (43yo M) - and I desperately need perspective or advice.
I have a nine-year old daughter. I cannot imagine my life without her.
I am a single Dad who co-parents with ex-wife. We get along well enough, though we don't like each other, we try to hide our disdain and communicate regularly about our parenting issues. We divorced with our daughter was three, so she doesn't really understand life when we were married, but occasionally says she wishes we were all one big family, and why we got divorced.
She hates school. She has no friends and believes everyone bullies her. She's to the point where she thinks the teachers hate her too. She's very antisocial and does little to help herself make friends, and a lot of her problems appear to be self-fulfilling prophecies stemming from her low self-esteem.
She's recently started saying things like, "I wish I wasn't alive," or "I wish I was never born." I tell her how much that scares me, how much she means to me (and her Mother) and how much I need her in my life. I am not a perfect parent - probably far from it - but I try and shower her with compliments to lift her spirits, but I don't think my positive reinforcement resonates with her.
I am scared of the prospect she tries to take her life. Every morning before school, she is very disrespectful to me and I know it stems from her fear of school. She literally ends up in tears about being around the other children and going to school, and the bullying she says she'll inevitably encounter. I drop her off and see her walk, head down, in a sad, depressed manner and I just don't know what to do anymore.
We are sending her to a private school next year, and our daughter says she can't wait that long. But I fear she'll start this all over again without the social skills she needs to build positive peer relationships. She is paranoid, and thinks that if people don't smile at her, they hate her. She refuses to make eye contact, and when other kids try to talk to her, she ignores them. So she's obviously not doing her part to make friends, and I can't get through to her.
My daughter is a good kid with a good heart and a lot to offer, but she doesn't show it. I've been trying to work with her Mother to find a therapist or counseling firm to help her explore her feelings and build her confidence, but it seems no one is taking new patients?
I'm at wits end. I think what I need is some positive reinforcement of my own. Anything this community can do to provide me some feedback, suggestions, ideas, or anything I can try to get her back on-track and ultimately... save her life. I am scared that when she says, "Everyone hates me at school, the reason I say I don't want to be alive anymore is because life is hard" I just don't know what to do. Please help me.
Thank you for your time.
Jeff
Hi and welcome on here.
Once question I'd ask, is have you spoken to her existing school and the pastoral officer there? She should be able to get help where she is, and if she is being bullied, then you need to raise that with the school, they must have anti-bullying policies in place, so that needs to be enforced.
Does she have any hobbies or interests? Perhaps you could look at developing these and hopefully she'll make friends there who have the same interests.
Have you spoken to your GP? That might be a first step to getting some counselling fairly quickly.
Hello there,
Thank you for sharing your situation. I understand it must be a very difficult time for you.
I agree with the points made by the other person who has posted on here, a meeting with the school is a must, to see if there have been incidents that need addressing or if there are any ways that the school could help your daughter - for example introducing her to someone who maybe like her - who finds it hard to make friends. Or a club she could join to make new friends.
I would also say that it’s essential to keep on encouraging your daughter, like you are doing, but also praise her for having a good day at school or doing some good homework, making an effort getting to school - anything that will encourage her and make her feel good about herself.
Please remember that no parent is perfect - we don’t get it right all the time, so please don’t be hard on yourself.
If it helps make a list of all the things you love about your daughter - these are called characteristics- leave them somewhere where she can see them. Leave her a message for when she gets home from school with something positive on it about her, that you think she is.
All these kinds of positive affirmations really help to boost a child’s self esteem and confidence.
There are resources on line that you can use with children to help talk about their emotions and how they are feeling about life situations that are causing them distress. Choosing the right time to do these things is also important- as a Parent Support volunteer I talk to parents about making specific 1-1 times to spend with their children. These times are for an activity that the child chooses for you to do both together- and it’s during these times that topics like emotions and how they are feeling can come up in conversation. Or perhaps before she goes to bed having some quiet time together and discussing both of your days - highs and challenges and how you overcame them would help?
I would strongly recommend that you and your daughter seek some counselling which encourages your daughter to talk to a professional therapist about how she is feeling and why she really doesn’t like school at the moment. I have put a link on for a charity called Fegans which does counselling for both adults and children - it would be worth both of you being able to talk to someone.
You are already doing a good job, because by sharing on here it shows you care. One step at a time.
I wish you and your daughter all the very best.
Parent Support Volunteer
Whatever your situation Zoom counselling with qualified counsellors can help. You might like to be in touch for your secondary school aged children, or it could be you need support for yourself. To find out about costs or whether you qualify for funding (for example if you are on a low income or benefits) leave your details on this link and we will be in touch:
https://www.dad.info/counselling-with-fegans/
Please note, cost is £48 per session
I can understand how worried you must me. I agree that the first step is to talk to the school. They will know how she presents in school and will have specialists who can help. Could you suggest your daughter invites someone over to yours when she is with you? Could she be autistic? I hope you find the help she needs.
@actd Thanks for your reply. I've been delegating the search for qualified child therapists and counselors to my daughter's Mother, and she's as worried as I am, but I am told that either no one is taking new patients, or no one is calling her back. So, we've been trying to work through her GP, but that isn't making much headway, either. I am skeptical that her Mother knows what she is doing and pretty soon I'm going to start making calls of my own.
The school gave her a mentor to meet with for an hour every week, and my daughter enjoys meeting with him. As for her teacher, we spoke yesterday and she seems to feel hopeless... the updates we get about my daughter either refusing to do work, or walking out of her grade 4 classroom without permission, or refusing to talk to other students when the teacher makes a concerted effort to foster friendships for her, are provided to us almost daily. My daughter doesn't get her work done at school, so they send it home, and she gets it done here. When I work with my daughter to go through the material, she is calm, thoughtful, and does a really good job focusing.
It's pretty clear to me now that she needs outside help, because I'm no child psychologist, and though I do everything I can to (a) not lecture her, and be concise and not overbearing (b) be compassionate and tell her I'm listening to her problems, and (c) offer her challenges suited to slowly solve her social and academic problems, such as "hey, smile at people and don't ignore them today," nothing is working.
I haven't heard her mention suicide or anything close to it in a week, so hopefully that's a trend.
@clarinet I love your response, thank you. There are several good suggestions here, some of which I've toyed with before, such as talking about my own encounters with similar problems when I was my daughter's age, or how my day was when talking about her day, and it's nice to see that someone with a more formal understanding of these strategies is confirming I'm working in the right direction. I will work toward these objectives!
And thank you for the link to these additional references. I'll give them a look.
@champagne Thank you for your reply. My daughter was never formally diagnosed with autism but when she was younger, her doctors suggested she may be on the spectrum, and it wouldn't surprise me. Her mother is adamant that we get her formally tested once we figure out the counseling situation. My only stipulation is that I do not believe in pharmaceuticals for young children unless it's absolutely warranted, but I think we're both on the same page about that.
It pains me to say, before COVID-19, she had friends at school and everything was fine. We kept her home for home-schooling in 2020 during the pandemic, and when she returned to school for 3rd grade, everything had changed. She was distrustful of everyone else, and seems paranoid that everyone hates her. I am amazed and saddened about how the pandemic just destroyed her social abilities. I just can't figure out why.