New to the forum so looking for some advice/shared experiences.
I have a separation agreement in place (in Scotland) where the agreement states I will have my 3 boys an average of 2 nights per week. My ex wife works 12 hour shifts and is taking the proverbial whereby I am actually having the boys 50% of the time albeit not 50% of the nights. She is now working two shifts per week and needs me to have them 2 midweek days and not the one we planned originally (I also have them every other weekend). I am used as childcare during the days (I have been working from home and can be a bit flexible) and kids go back at bedtime. Given I haven't gone through CMS, but am paying as per 2-3 nights per week (plus a LOT of extras), if I were to open a CMS case, which I am entitled to do, would or could they take into account the day time care I have the boys? My argument being that if they are here until 8.30-9.00pm then they may as well stay overnight as I will have fed them and cannot do anything with my evening. My boys are 12 and 9 (twins). She knows the agreement and CMS works on nights and is
My ex is a manipulative narcissist and weaponises the boys. She lies about when she works and plans everything around herself with me having to be totally flexible and work around her and time with her partner without kids. When we split I said I couldn't work around her works shifts but that is exactly what has happened. I want to do the right thing for the boys, I am totally honest with them but I feel she is taking the mickey completely and there is nothing I can do about. Effectively she wants and needs me to have the kids more but also wants to keep the significant maintenance she gets under the current agreement - cake and eating! Mediation recently failed so I either live with it or go to CMS and see what they say.
Sorry for the rambling!
sorry to say that your ex is correct about the rules, it is overnights that count - there has to be a rule that can be quoted, and if it was 9pm, then others would say, well why not 8pm, then 7pm. It's a blunt instrument, and it's sorely abused, as your ex is doing, but it is what it is.
You need to either stick to the original agreement, or say that you need a new agreement whereby if they are there until later on, then they stay with you overnight, and the maintenance is adjusted accordingly, and what she loses in reduced maintenance, she makes up for in extra wages.
The only question is what are the possible consequences of putting your foot down - would she withhold contact, in which case, you have to balance the risks of any decision you make. Ideally, you can come to an agreement or compromise that works better than the current arrangement.
Adding to actd, you also have to remember that all this extra contact is allowing you to build a stronger bond with your kids, giving you the extra time to spend with them etc.
However I'd agree in that at the very least you should have an agreement that says if it gets to 7pm or 8pm, due to the impact of travelling on the kids at that time of the eve (should be getting ready for bed etc) that they will then stay over with you. You will either find that this works any overnights happen (and then in time can adjust CMS) or you return the boys earlier and get your evenings back..
hi,
I would suggest you keep things amicable and keep CMS out of it. because if they reject your separation agreement as evidence, there is going to be a lot of arguments and CMS may assume you only have the kids 1 night a week. also bear in mind with CMS; any over-time, pay rise or bonuses you get, means you have to pay more maintenance.
Thanks for the responses. On balance I have decided to leave things as they are for now and see how it pans out. As lockdown relaxes and I spend more time in the office, she won’t be able to rely on my during the day to have the boys while she works. She will need to get childcare or help from her partner or friends if she wants me to have them more than one night per week. Indeed, I will enjoy seeing the kids more when I can and console myself that karma will strike her for being a narcissistic, selfish, manipulative, money grabbing liar ?♂️?
@distracted I'm in the same boat and expecting things to get interesting when this years review comes up.
If you have had them less due to the virus this year or so then I believe this is classed as temporary and can't be adjusted for.
Good luck