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Unwanted second chi...
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Unwanted second child..

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Hi and hello..

My first post here, not really sure where to start.. but it seems like I've got nowhere else to go.

My wife (31) and I (43) have met almost 5 years ago. She was engaged (on a brink of splitting), I was forever single, but somehow we instantly hit it off and fell madly in love with each other..

We first met in December 2017 through a work meeting, went on a first date in February 2018. She then split with her fiancé.. I took over his mortgage and moved in around October 2018. We got married in November 2019, and our son was born in May 2020.

Life was absolutely perfect, but shortly after the birth of our son, my wife started talking about having another one..

Now, due to my upbringings and the way how my parents conducted themselves in their marriage, I never wanted to have kids or get married. When we first started going out, I have explained this to my wife and as she miscarried twice with her previous partner, she wasn't looking to have kids either. This looked like a great arrangement for me, but as our relationship progressed my wife asked if we could have a child and I agreed (I thought I would not make the same mistakes my parents made, and I would be a better dad than my father was).

Once we got together, I stepped up, got a much better job (middle management) and kept progressing within the company. My wife took 12 months maternity and then found a quiet part-time job. During Covid I started working from home, and my job back then wasn't too stressful, so I had time to support my wife, and bond with my son.

Things have not been going so well recently... My wife kept talking about a second child, and I kept refusing. I don't want a second child.

My work became very stressful and challenging. I've doubled my salary in the last 2 years, but since last year I've been under immense pressure, stress and working from home became overwhelming at times. I work shifts, sometimes finish at 8pm, do Saturdays and every few weeks need to be available 24/7 as a point of contact in case of critical incidents. I often lose my patience with my wife and my son; I get irritated and appear absent whilst trying to work.

I can't imagine 2 kids running around and seeking attention. I can't see how I'll be able to work uninterrupted and when I'm very stressed. 

I don't think I can endure again another 6 months of sleepless nights, tiredness, constant nappy changes, baby crying, wife being stressed. I just don't want this life again.

We can finally sleep through the night, we have time for ourselves and our hobbies, we can spend an evening together; going on holiday is doable and relatively easy with just 1 kid. We have plenty of disbosable income not having to worry about cost of living, bills etc.

I don't want to change that...

I'm worried about our finances, because although comfortable now, a second child will mean we won't be able to save as much as we do now, and lets be honest, kids are expensive...

I'm worried about our living arrangements. We live in a 2-bedroom flat, where I managed to set up a work station in the living room where I spend most of my day.

Before we had our first child, the plan was to work hard, my wife to go back to full time and to buy a house within 5-6 years. With my wife wanting another child, this will not happen anytime soon, and I just can't imagine how we'll figure out my work etc.

My side of the family doesn't live in the UK, so we rely on my wife's family, but they are already heavily preoccupied with 2 other grandkids, so it'll be difficult to sort out nursery pickups, school runs etc. Having a second child will be a massive logistical challenge and it scares me.

I've been born and raised in a poor country; my parents didn't have a lot and I have so many personal issues because of that... I want to make sure my son has everything I never had, toys, clothes, gadgets, holidays, trips, pocket money. I never want him to fear about bills, money. I never want him to witness arguments about finances. I want him to have a life I never had. Therefore I'm paranoid right now, I'm scared that having a second child will ruin my sons future.

We've been having arguments about another baby since the last 2 years. They became worse and worse, with personal attacks, shouting, screaming, and in case of my wife - mental breakdowns leading to self-harm episodes.

My wife has been talking about a divorce, and keeps blaming me and saying that if we split up, I'll ruin my son's life, that it'll be because of me. She gave me an ultimatum, we either have another child or I'll need to leave so that she can find somebody else that will give her what she wants.

We tried couple counselling, but it didn't help, and we were not getting anywhere with it.

After my wife's most recent mental breakdown, where she tried to self-harm again, I was so scared for her safety that I've agreed to the second child.

And now she is expecting we start trying for another baby.

She is unable to understand that I've agreed not because I've changed my mind, but because I was terrified of what was happening with her...

I don't know what to do now. I'm feeling like I'm being suffocated, like I'm on a brink of losing my mind. I stopped being close with my wife, stopped being intimate with her. I struggle to talk with her, to smile, and be present.

I love my wife very much, and the last few years have been the happiest in my whole life... but... I don't want this second child. I hate the idea of it, I hate and resent this unborn child already. I don't know how I'll be able to change my mind.. 

I'm sorry, I just needed to write this down, and get out of my head.. Don't even think this makes sense as I probably missed a lot.. 



Topic starter Posted : 06/01/2023 3:24 pm
Honorable Member

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry its such a troubled story.  I suggest you speak to a counsellor to get help with your feelings.  The NHS has Talking Therapies and Better Health, every mind matters.  There is also Release the Pressure.  You can google to see what is available in your area.  I don't believe a second child will ruin your son's future but you need to sort out your feelings.  Children don't need a lot of material things and they won't know if toys come from a charity shop or freecycle - both of which are good for the environment.

Posted : 06/01/2023 6:56 pm

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