[Solved] Advice

Hi Rob

Welcome to the site,

Sorry to hear of your situation hopefully we can give you some advice to help you through.

To start with you have been honest within your post and this is good, you haven't tried to deny you were in the wrong and this will stand you in good steed throughout as it shows your genuine. You had hit a low point in your life just after the break up and this is natural and I
know where your coming from on that.

As you are named on the birth certifiacate you are in a good position, well better than you probably think you are anyway :whistle:

Do you know her address? If you do I would send her a letter recorded delivery, (type the envelope address so it looks official and she will accept it when it arrives) in the letter be humble, as you have been here and let her know you want to be in your childs life, explain you would like to resolve the issues that are in the way of this and move forward. Suggest that if you are unable to talk things through that you would be happy to use mediation to try to discuss and come to an arrangement that will make this happen. Within the letter explain that you will follow this through to the end no matter what it takes to ensure you are able to be a part of your sons life and if that means applying to the family court for a contact order then you will (ensure this doesn't sound like a threat but that you are just letting her know that you will use court if needed to allow you to see your son)

Keep a copy as well as all other emails txt and facebook messages you have just incase you end up in court.

Have a read through the guide at the top of the legal section on applying to for and representing yourself through court incase it goes that far. court will cost around £200 to apply for the contact order and you can represent yourself throughout meaning no legal bills, it's duanting but not as bad as you would think. If I managed it anyone can.

Whats happened in the past is just that, it's in the past so don't worry about how this will effect your chances, she may feel badly towards you but the truth is that if you go through court the judge will look forward and not back, the judges main concern is that of your son and ensuring he has a father in his life, It is a childs right to have their natural father in their lives and the judge will do everything possible to ensure this happens.

while I was writing thisd I had another point to make, but it's clean out of my head at the moment, if and when it comes back i'll add it Lol

Darren

Thank you for the speedy reply.

It's been suggested to me to send a letter, never thought of having a typed address, it will make a difference I think.
I can see she reads what I am asking through Facebook, but she just won't reply, so I will definatly send a letter on recorded delivery.

Her mother is a solicitor, and she is living at home as far as I know.
My main concern is the distance, I'm in South Wales and she is in Birmingham.
My goal is one weekend a month, and hopefully build up more from there. I have suggested to her that someone else could do the 'handover' so to speak, but no response.

It feels as if when she got in her new relationship (6 weeks after the birth) she doesn't want me involved. I have no grudge against her new partner, since they got together so early after the birth I have no reason to think he is a bad person or hold a grudge. He has raised my son more than me, would that effect anything?

Thank you so much for what you have said, it means a lot to see words of support from someone else who has been through something similar.

Hi There,
No matter what involvement this chap has had ith your son it doesn't change the fact you are his father (oohh went all darth vadar then :p )

it's good you don't hold a grudge against him as he will be there to support your son growing up, and that's what his role will be a support role you will and can be there as his dad, I know this first hand as I have a 9 year old son who I see every other weekend (after a 12 month court battle) and I have a 8 year old step son who lives with me and his mum, my step son sees his dad every other weekend and I support him growing up, I don't replace his dad and never would.

I think that if you went to court and looked for contact a lot would depend on the age of your son, you said he was born new years eve/day, if I assume that was this year he will be 8 months old so you may find that a judge wouldn't order an over night contact to start with and I wouldn't blame them either, Your son although is your son he doesn't know you really, you may have to have a few trips to birmingham first for contact of an hour or 2, maybe then you could suggest staying somewhere in birmingham for a night when the first overnight happens to set his mother mind at rest that if any problems were to occur your son was close by for the first time away with you.

After this then taking him home should be ok, this may seem long and drawn out but by going with this angle it shows you are thinking about your sons needs and not that of your own and should go in your favour.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Oh and don't be put off by the fact that her mum is a solicitor, my ex took a slolicitor to court with her and it didn't do her any good, I still came out with a better result than I expected.

Darren

Darren

Hi There,

Just remembered what the other point was I wanted to cover.

It was regards to you stopping paying the maintenance money, This is something you should be doing, I get your reasons for stopping but it didn't work so really you should restart these payments as they are your responsibility as your sons father.

Darren

To add to Darren's point about maintenance, you should pay this, but the CSA calculator says 15% and you can deduct any costs over £15 per week from your takehome pay when you are calculating the payments. If you want to pay more, then that is up to you - make sure that, assuming you are paying by standing order, that there is a reference of 'child maintenance' or something similar as evidence you have been paying.

Thanks for all the advice.
I find myself in a very unsettling position.
I wrote to her and explained how i just want to see him, and i will go through the courts if needs be, and she replied on Facebook today, first time since the other week.

''I have your messages.
I will agree to you seeing Alfie on the following conditions:
1. I will meet you at 12 or 1pm on the first Sunday of each month.
2. We will meet at Tiny Terroz, (the address was here, but I removed for obvious reasons)
3. Myself and my Mom or Dad will be present at all meetings.
4. You do not contact me directly, and you stop messaging and harassing me Facebook or any other social media network.
5. You will only make contact with my Mom through mobile phone only whose number you already have if you cannot make a meeting.
6. You are to be sober when you arrive to all meetings.
7. I require your full current address. I will send a hard copy of this message in the post to you.
The dates will be as follows:
11th November (as I have a prior commitment on 4th November)
2nd December
6th January 2013
3rd February
3rd March
7th April
5th May
2nd June
7th July
4th August
1st September
6th October
3rd November
1st December
Please acknowledge receipt of this message and please confirm you will adhere to the above conditions and then you can see Alfie.''

She went on to say that the initial meeting with be one hour.
I replied with my address, and said a few hours a month isn't enough to form a bond, and a few hours a month for the next 14 months simply isn't enough...

Yes she has finally gave me something, some time and set days to see him, and I am fine with bein watched with him, I expected that, but not everytime, and the time frame she has given me is very unreasonable.
I can tell this is a message from her mother, and although it's seeing him, it's not enough time to bond, and ultimately, that's what I want to do. I know I can't spend every minute with him; but I want to have a bond with him.

I will go through with this, but what can I do from here?

Actd, sorry but I didn't under what you meant by deducting any costs over £15 per week from my take home wages.

Hi Rob. no problem. The CSA expect you to pay the first £15 per week of travel costs before anything is taken into accout.

As an example, if you have a takehome pay of £300 per week, and your travel costs are less than £15 per week, then no account is taken and you have to pay 20% of your takehome pay - so £60 per week. If your travel costs are, say £25 per week, then you are paying £10 more in travel than the CSA expect you to pay, so this £10 extra is deducted from your £300 takehome pay, so the basic figure for the calculation is now £300 less the £10, so £290, and then you would pay 20% of this, ie £58 per week. It's not a massive saving, but it's something.

With regards to the offer she has made, I would suggest that you ask her if she would be prepared to go to mediation with her timetable as a basis - reply to her by letter or text to her mother, it's not worth trying to make a point on something that doesn't really matter regarding the form of contact. The problem you face is that if you go to court, your ex has given a pretty comprehensive timetable of contact and although the contact is minimal, a court may take the opinion that it's a good starting place and you will have achieved nothing. You may be better negotiation (through mediation) this as a starting point with the length and frequency of contact increasing over time.