[Solved] Can he have a say in everything??

Hi Nicola - thanks for posting. Sounds like until recent events you had worked out quite a good relationship with your ex. I'd say its obviously really important for him to be involved in their life, as he is a significant part of it.... I can of course see this from his perspective that you have made a decision that has a big impact on him and the kids (although him leaving you was a decision he took that leaves him needing to accept consequences too!!)

To my mind you are right that you have to be allowed to continue your life, i guess its how you can consult and share the telling the kids that is the key here. As i'm sure you can see from the site and lots of the content, there is a strong view that the parental relationship is key to the children's future - whatever it looks like. I guess the best scenario is a level of mutual respect that allows each other to get on with like, but accepting that you also share something very precious to both of you in the kids and looking to give some level of respect (no matter how hard that seems given the circumstances -ie each to type much harder to do on an ongoing basis!!!)

Also what do the kids think about moving 70 miles - i guess it will disrupt their schooling etc? Are they on board?

The children are very excited. My youngest is not yet at school so the impact is minimal and my eldest will be going into year 1 in Sept so she hasn't been at school too long. She is very sensitive and we have discussed her changing school and she seems ok.
My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters all live within a 10 mile radius of where I am moving to and the children spend alot of time there as they have been my main support network over the past few years. It is also where all my new partners family live. We intend on taking the children to the local area over the next few months (I'm not moving until the children break up from school) and to the house that we have already brought so they feel it is familiar and comfortable.
Relations with my ex have always been ok but I feel alot of that is because I have always gone along with what he wants (in our relationship he was always very controlling) and he has always been able to see the children pretty much when he wants and on his terms - he oftens drops his Wed night so he can go on holiday but on the 2 occassions I have taken them away he has caused a fuss because it means he misses his Wed night! Its a case of wanting his cake and eating it!

As I said I have no intention of stopping contact but I just wish he would trust me to make the right decisions as they always come first. I sometimes feel he puts his wants and feelings before that of the childrens

Hi NP

I'm surprised that there aren't more sites for mothers, but you are welcome on here - your concern is for the welfare of your children so you're in the same mind as everyone else on here 😀

Your ex has parental rights, so he has a say in things like school. However, I agree with your perspective that this can cause more problems as if he disagrees with your choice, then what exactly do you do? - in my opinion, this is a failing in the law as one person (ie the parent with care) has to be able to make the decisions, and that the other person can't disagree on the basics as they have to live with the arrangements.

I would suggest that you contact the childrens legal centre for advice on this - they will give you far more detailed information on what you are able to do.

Hi NP - as Actd suggests we will refer your question to the Children's Legal Centre team too just to see if they have anymore thoughts.

Thanks for posting and you are more than welcome here 🙂

\Buzz

Dear Nicola,

Having had the children living with you since your separation, you are established as the resident parent. This means that you are the one making the day to day decisions. The ideal situation is always that parents are able to discuss the upbringing of the children and in regards to major decisions hopefully reach agreement. It sounds like this is what you have been doing and hopefully this will be able to continue.

With the children being aged 3 and 5, if the father’s name is on the birth certificate this means he automatically has parental responsibility. Parental responsibility carries with it all the right, duties and responsibilities have in relation to being involved in their child’s life. Ideally you should be consulting the father on the major decisions in the children’s lives for such as schools and religion.

As the resident parent you are able to move wherever you like within the UK, the only way a non resident parent can restrict this is by applying to court for a specific issue order. This is where a parent requests that the court make a decision in relation to an issue that the parents cannot agree upon. The father could request that the court order that you do not make your planned move. However in general, the only reason such a move would not be allowed would be where one parent is moving away with the children with the sole intention of preventing contact with the non resident parent. Considerations for the court would be your family ties in the new location, your consideration of where the children would go to school and how contact would be maintained between father and children. They would then make the decision that they feel is in the children’s best interests.

One parent cannot control how the other parent ‘parents’. What each parent does with the children during their contact time, and what they choose to tell the children, is for that parent to decide. As long as the children are not at risk of harm it is a matter of individual choice as to how the children are brought up. You were not required to have the father present when you told the children about the move; inevitably as resident parent there will be many decisions that need to be made on a daily basis and so on a practical basis it is just not possible to consult the other parent in every regard.

It may perhaps be beneficial to suggest contact arrangements which can be put in place when you move. This may serve to reassure the father that this move is not going to result in him losing contact with the children; it is simply that the arrangements will have to be a little bit different from what they have been.

To date it seems that you and the father have managed to have an amicable relationship and work together which is definitely in the best interests of the children. Hopefully this will be able to continue. The important thing to remember is that there are certain decisions which you should be consulting the father on, such as choice of schools and religion. There are also decisions which require the consent of both parties with parental responsibility, these are changing your children’s surname, taking the children abroad and giving a new partner parental responsibility. Further than this you are not required to ensure that every decision you make is one that the father approves of. Unfortunately there will be times when you disagree, however you are entitled to lead your own life and your ex partner cannot control this.

We hope this information has been of use to you. Should you have any further questions please feel free to contact our advice line on 0808 8020 008.

Kind regards

The Children’s Legal Centre