[Solved] Newbie, and I havent got a clue

Matt,
welcome to the forum mate - don't worry about your first post being a question, that's how a lot of the Dadtalk community have found their way here.

I'm glad that you currently have your girls living with you and you obviously have a great support network - which is a great place to be in. There are some other dads on the forum who are separated from the mother of their children and have them living with them so I hope they pop by and give you some advice.

I will ask the Children's Legal Centre (our legal partners) to have a look at your post and give some advice on where you stand legally.

Keep posting mate.

Gooner

Thanks for the replies guys, hope to receive more good advice from other members soon. Every little thing at the moment I seem to cautious of. Like Friday night, a conversation with the mother in law involving the ex seeing the kids Saturday cropped up, now I hadn't really got a problem with the ex seeing the kids but Friday night was the first I heard of it, my eldest daughter had already made plans to stop at my mothers house, so the ex seeing the kids was out of the question. But does that leave me in the wrong? The way I see it she should be contacting me first to see the girls as I am their "direct guardian". Up until now no contact has been received from their mother since 19th May, am I supposed to make the first move and ask her if she wants to see the kids? Am I in the wrong for not getting in touch with her?

I guess you could think about it this way - Your children should be able (and need to) have contact with both parents.

It obviously much better if the parents can put their differences aside for the sake of the children and agree a reasonable and fair amount of contact - if not then try using a mediation service (this looks good if the courts get involved and you can show that you have tried everything you could to sort things out with your ex). Check out National Family Mediation ( http://www.nfm.org.uk/ or 01392 271610). Another bit of advice I have seen from the very sage actd (and I know he won't mind me quoting him 😉 )

keep an accurate note of date/time and content of all communication - texts, conversations, everything. The courts prefer this than to a vague recollection, and I know it helped immensely in my case. Also, because you are recording everything, make sure that you don't react if possible, but if you do, record it (along with why you did) so that it's an accurate and complete record.

It may sound petty but at least everything is written down and logged.

It is in your children's best interest, emotionally, to have contact with both parents - you sound like a very caring dad - so why not try to make the first move. If nothing else it would look good in court and the best result may be that, if you make the first move, you and your ex find a way to open up lines of communication regarding your children - without recriminations and blame.

I can understand your fear - you don't want to lose your kids. You feel like all your ex has to do is go to court and you'll lose them. I know it feels like the system is loaded against dads but there are dads on the site who are the resident parent. So it is not a given that she will automatically be granted residence.

Anyway that's my thoughts (for what they are worth 🙄 ) - I hope I have helped in some way and not confused you further.

Gooner

Sounds right what you're saying buddy and I have got a diary of texts, conversations, meeting etc. I have not been biased in anything Ive wrote in the diary and wrote it how Ive told it.It just always seems to be me that has to make the first move. If we do have a text conversation and I get sarky, she gives up then. My usual down is when she starts "how r the girls". I normally reply with "they are always alright, they are with me and Im taking care of them" Which maybe wrong to say, but I feel its the truth

A tricky situation here. If I can put it bluntly, you may be restricting contact between your children and their mother as a way of getting back at your wife for having an affair - I'm not critising as it's an understandable reaction, but it isn't good for the long term for anyone, especially your children.

As has been said many times on here (something I didn't fully realise until I joined this site), contact is a right of the children, and not the parents, and your children have every right to see their mother on a regular and defined basis - they need to have this stability, the affair wasn't their fault so they shouldn't suffer.

My advice is that you go for mediation and be prepared to give your wife regular and defined access to your children. This gives them the certainty, and also tells the court (if it goes that far) that you are being reasonable, and will help your cause in going for a residence order.

Don't give in to the temptation for sarcasm etc in your tests - read thelb's account on another thread - he kept his cool and didn't react, and it came out very well for him - a very good lesson in my view.

One more bit of advice I'd give - suggest that your daughters to keep diaries (not just words, but pictures, smileys etc) of how they feel good or bad. I did this with my daughter, so that if I needed it for court, it was available BUT my daughter knew that if I wanted to use it, she had to give her permission to me. It was useful for her as a reminder of some things before she spoke to Cafcass.

Dear Mr Fletcher,

From your post it seems that there are currently no legal orders in place in relation to the children. So as it stands the children do not ‘belong’ with either you or their mother. There is no longer a presumption that children belong with their mother, any decision made in court is now decided based on what is considered to be in the children’s best interests. The court will consider the ‘welfare’ checklist when making any decision related to the children. This checklist requires the court to take into account the child’s wishes and feelings (although how much weight they carry will depend on the child’s maturity and understanding), that child’s physical, emotional and educational needs, the likely effect on the child of any change in circumstances, the child’s age, [censored], background and any other relevant characteristics, any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering and how capable each parent is of meeting the child’s needs.

One option that is always worth considering is mediation. This would be an opportunity for you to sit down with your wife and a neutral third party and discuss what is going to happen. It is sometimes the case that arrangements regarding the children can be reached, which would negate the need to take the matter to court. Discussing arrangements in this manner has the advantage that you would be able to come to your own arrangements, rather than the court as an outside party making the decision of what is to happen with the children. If this is something that may be helpful to you, you could contact the national family mediation service on 01392 271610, they would be able to put you in touch with mediation centres in your local area.

As it stands, either one of you could apply for a residence order. This is an order which formally states with whom the children are to live. Whilst your children are living with you, on a practical level you are acting as the resident parent. You have, in effect, been the resident parent for the past two months. The longer you have the children living with you the more established you will become as the resident parent. The courts do not like to vary residency unless for a very good reason, however there are no guarantees as to how the courts would decide, should the matter be taken to court. If parents can agree on where the children are to live, there is no need to apply to court. Residence orders are often applied for where there is some dispute and therefore a need for a court order formally stating who children are to live with. Once a residence order is in place, the children reside with the named parent. As such it is legally enforceable, should the non resident parent not comply with it.

In regards to contact, contact is considered to be the right of the child and children should be seeing both parents. Whichever parent the children end up living with, they should be having contact with the other parent. Whilst there is no contact order in place, there is no set requirement in regards to how much contact there should be. It would be down to you and your ex partner to come to some arrangement in this regard. However, should the non resident parent not be happy with the amount of contact they have, they retain the option of taking the matter to court to seek more contact. Contact orders are granted in the majority of cases, as the presiding opinion is that a child should be seeing both their parents. A contact order would state the times and days that contact is to take place and is legally binding. Should it not be complied with it is possible to take the matter back to court, which could result in a fine or community employment

Should you wish to apply for either of the above orders you could do so either yourself or though a solicitor. A local firm of solicitors who deal in family law would be able to assist you in this regard. Alternatively, you could make the application and represent yourself in court. The form you will need will be the C100 which can be found on the HMCS website at www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk . The guidance forms on how to fill this form in can also be found on the same website and are the CB1 and the CB3. Once you have printed and completed these forms you will need to post/take them to the family proceedings court which can be found in either the magistrates or county court local to where the children live. There will be a court fee payable of £175.

As you mentioned, each parent is able to introduce the children to who they choose during their contact time as long as this does not place the children in any danger. As such it is the mother’s decision whether to introduce a new partner to the children, as it would be if you chose to introduce a new partner to the children. There is nothing that the other parent can really do about this.

You mentioned the children are aged 4 and 7 years old. If they were born after December 2003 and your name is on the birth certificate you automatically have parental responsibility. Parental responsibility means you have all the rights, duties and responsibilities that go with being a parent. You are able to speak to the children’s schools, give consent in any medical decisions etc. Major decisions in the children’s lives should be discussed between all parties with parental responsibilities. Parental responsibility also means that one parent cannot change the surnames of children without the consent of the other person with parental responsibility. It also means that unless there is a residence order in place, each parent should obtain the consent of the other parent if they wish to take the children abroad. If there is a residence order in place the resident parent does not need to obtain the consent of the other parent for a holiday abroad of less than 4 weeks. The non resident parent would still need to obtain the consent of the resident parent if they wish to take the children abroad.

If the 7 year old was born before December 2003 and you have not acquired parental responsibility as a result of a parental responsibility agreement/order you may wish to consider applying for parental responsibility. You can do so on the same form as referred to above, the C100.

We hope this information is of use to you. If you have further questions please feel free to contact our advice line on 0808 8020 008.

Kind regards

The Children’s Legal Centre

Thanks, looks like I need to go back to the solicitors and get some paperwork sorted