hi after reading all online and having the kahunas to place something on here im in a mess. my wife of 5 months tried to get me done for abh against her an alleged assault with washing up liquid on my step daughter. i had to go home as i had no where to live so on the 18th of dec i had informed her of what my intentions were , she changed the locks the day before and then proceeded to to call the constabulary and have me arrested on those charges. i was shocked and scared i had never been in cuffs before or in the back of a police van in my life. after 7 hrs of being in the station and questioning where i was a mess and didn't think i needed representation as i had nothing to hide. I had a breakdown in public because of all her mind games, just couldn't take it any more and my head fell of a cliff. I was released on bail with restrictions , now over the next 28 days which were some of the darkest i have had to endure she bombarded me on my firestick (we have a signed in YouTube account in the front room and where i am here ) with so much music saying she was sorry, come home, call me , born to love me im the one etc and it ruined my head so much. every day was the same playlist after playlist bombarding my head with-it. i didn't react dint go home didn't call her or go against my bail conditions. (i now know she was doing this to get into my head further and try and make me break my bail conditions).
i re attended the police station last week and the charges were diluted to 1 basic caution for pulling her coat in a public place and the other assault charges dropped against me.
but on the Friday previous she had placed a song online saying f u,f ur mum, and f your sister, and the next day applied to the courts for a non mol order and occ order , then typed in on the search im so happy as im back...
my mental health and well being has being horrific i never got over the break down and the day to day things are getting harder to deal with , the meds work then they don't .
i cocked up on the first hearing as when i sent the email back i was not in a good frame of mind and sent it to the incorrect email account , i contacted court yesterday to explain and the man in the court called me back to say she had asked for adjournment (i have no idea why)
the statement she gave to the court makes me out to be a paranoid drunk who controlled her for a long time, so many half truths and fictional information missing the causes and heavy drinking we both undertook . just all based at me .
im scared and im lost i don't want this against my name and in the process of going into a men's refuge due the physocilical damage that i have had to endure while trying to defend myself in a relationship where my wife constantly accused me of affairs and talking to others including my friends and family if i was having a rough time in the relationship, this was not good enough and i had to stop it immediately and only talk to her .
dont know where to go from here
hi,
sorry to hear what you have been going through. sounds like mental torture. I hope you have found a way to block all her messages and music coming into your fire stick/TV. disconnect yourself from her on all social media platforms, and block her number. do you have any kids with her? if you get arrested, make sure you ask for a duty solicitor to be present for any interviews.
have a listen to this, very useful with dealing with non-molestation orders https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFmMm-o_NE8
am not too familiar with occupation orders. you could try seek legal advice on it. some info here https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_sole_homeowners/occupation_orders_for_sole_owners_and_their_married_or_civil_partners
@bill337 hi thanks for the reply its been horrific and when i had the dv officer come to my house and take a statement from me it was awful, i showed him the music and he was here for 3 hrs with me. really nice and told me some truths to do things .the occ order is pointless as we have a section 21 served on us by the land lord to be out the property by the 4th of march this year, she is just trying to control the situation as she is good at that and always likes to be the one pulling the strings thats why she is a social worker as well.
@aircooled75 hi, having been there myself I know it's a tough situation.
However, sharing my advice based on my situation.
- relationship - it would appear that it is clearly over, you need to focus on moving forward. You will have to wait until you have been married for 1 year before proceeding to divorce, in the meantime focus on yourself (physical/mental wellbeing) until you can proceed for divorce. This will put you in a stronger position to deal with divorce and with a short marriage it should be straightforward (even if she tried to obstruct things).
- occupation order - as you are renting and do not own the property, this order just excludes you from the property and as the relationship has broken down you clearly don't want to go back and therefore do not worry about the order. Just let it remain active and it will expire in due course.
- non molestation order - it doesn't appear you have kids and therefore it only prevents you contacting your ex (doesn't impact seeing any kids), therefore I would just ignore it, let it remain active, it will expire in due course and as long as you do not breach it she will not get any extensions. You may feel you want to fight the allegations but unless you have kids there is no point, other than a matter of pronciple, it is not a public document, it cannot be searched for and doesn't come up on any DBS checks (unlike police records which are now there anyway). Trying to fight this if you do not need to will only become time consuming and take over your life and impact mental health. Potentially the music play lists were done to antagonise you to breach the order. If you do have children then there are different factors to consider. Please let us know.
- mental health, please consider contacting your GP to get some more support, or there will be local services available to do a self referral. Failing that the Samaritans are great too. Also consider reaching out to your GP to get some support re dealing with a relationship breakdown. This is considered a traumatic experience (and so is being arrested and time at a police station) and sometimes professional support is required to get over things.
I hope the above helps. Most importantly do not breach any court orders at all, understand the conditions and get legal advice for anything you are unsure of.
All the best.
@Daddyup hi thanks for the reply. she is well versed at this and has done it to her first relationship and tried to do it to her last i stopped her from doing it. i should have learnt, the woman is a control freak. i love her dont get me wrong but i cant deal with the constant lies and false accusations against me , even when we were together. the occ order worries me as she moved in with me as i had a house fully furnished for me and my daughters. if she manages to get that in place i cant go near a house for a year which we loose in march and she will just pish off with ine and my daughters possessions. she has spouted so much venom in the document but baseless and non truths and has managed to forget the amount of drink we both consumed and the petty arguments of madness that she use to spout .i lost so many friends over her especially after she set up an only fans page and denied it .. just tired of being tarnished with a brush that does not fit me.
@aircooled75 I guess only you can decide whether the time/effort and mental anguish is worth it to fight this in order to get access to a property that you might be losing in March and to get back your possessions. It sounds like the orders won't impact your ability to see your kids as they are from a different partner?
I would also caution that fighting such matters can become so life consuming that they can impact existing positive relationships with kids and friends and family in general thus making things worse.
When you have someone well versed as you say, often in situations like this you have to do the unexpected even if that means walking away. It takes away their power & control, leading them to feel anxious and worried about what your next strategic steps/actions will be. If you focus on yourself, your children and rebuilding a new life (plus your physical/mental wellbeing) , this would probably be something your ex isn't expecting therefore removing her ability to exert any influence over your life. This is different to walking away and not doing anything.
All the best.
@aircooled75 sounds like you are really having a tough time. To me it sounds like your ex is abusive and you need some support. Could you get in touch with these organisations and get some help and support?
https://www.thedaisychainproject.com/
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/separating/support-for-you/
My ex is the same she plays the victim in front of the kids, mediator, etc but in private tells me I should commit suicide, everyone hates me and I am stupid and nothing. She's been controlling, bullying, financially controlling, pushing me to borrow money constantly and building up debts our entire relationship. She wants everything we have plus maintenance and will say and do anything to try and get her way. I'm just realising now that she is abusive after being miserable for years and had bad mental health because of it but am starting to get help and some advice. Get some emotional and legal support! The reality is that friends and outsiders aren't stupid and know what these people are like, they see their behaviour and the ones that are worth keeping in contact with will be able to understand what you've been through.