I separated from my ex wife when my two boys were very young at the time my eldest was 5 years old and my youngest was 3 years old. The relationship with my ex was very toxic and we had very different views on how the children should be raised.
Although I never agreed with the way my ex wife parented she did do her best with the boys. I have always carried a lot of guilt about leaving when they were so young and my eldest sonhad a lot of anxiety when he was younger and I know this was from me leaving.
Four years after we split I met somebody else and we moved in together with her two teenage children and we eventually married. I integrated into the family and got on with her kids great. Playing the big brother role rather than step dad I helped in all the ways I could and even employed her son for 6 months when he was made redundant.
During this period I did not see my kids enough, we were living 200 miles apart and would see each other every three months and I missed a lot of them growing up.
My eldest boy has always been a challenge if we have had issues its always my eldest, he was a nightmare through school and college and there was not a week where his mum was not on the phone about some issue. Through all the challenges I supported her, drove through the night to get to school meetings, spoke with my son had him stay for Dad chats etc.
Anyway fast forward a number of years my son is now 18 and is struggling. Where his mum lives is very rural and work opportunities are scarce and he has bounced from agency job to agency job and zero hours contract jobs.
In November of this year my son came to stay with me and I gave him some work in my business which is very busy at this time of year it gave him some Christmas money and he has shined at the responsibility of the work and done very well.
He is due to go home next week but over a brew today he said " Dad can I stay here with you please" I have explained to him that I cannot give him a full time job as my business cannot justify another member of staff but he could possibly look for a job here as there are more opportunities as I live in a big city.
Anyway my dilemma.....my wife has said she does not want him to stay and he is to go home.
Initially I was hurt by this response however I do understand it. To be honest its not ideal for me and given a choice I would rather not do this. Even though he is 18 he is still my son and I want to help and I feel torn....I do still feel guilty about not been there as much as I should have when they were younger but also I feel I could put him on a good path in life.
I supported my new wife with her kids from the age of 9 right through to adulthood and them leaving home and still help them today.
I feel awful as I love my wife but also adore my son. It really feels like a no win situation.
If any of you have had any similar situations I would be delighted to hear from you.
hi,
if your son wants to stay with you let him. it makes better sense, work opportunities close by. if i were you i would let him stay and encourage him to still visit his mum.
If he is 18, then he can make his own mind up. I would offer all the help you can.
Hi there, when you say your wife wants your son to 'go home', I assume you're not talking about your ex? If it is your ex that is wanting / stating this - your son is now an adult, so that is a conversation he'll need to have with his mum, with your support and some sensitivity towards how your ex might feel. Perhaps your son might agree a schedule of time he stays with his mum between work.
If, however, it is your actual wife who is wanting him to go back and live with his mother (which I believe is what you are saying), then that really is a tricky dilemma. The fact that your stepsons have moved out means that this is not an issue of overcrowding. It does sound a little hard that she might not see how important it is for you to be around your son, particularly as he is needing fatherly support to keep him on track, and particularly as you have been so involved and supportive of your stepsons. It sounds like you'll need to have a discussion with her about what her concerns about your son living with both are. Perhaps she had been looking forward to the two of you having the place to yourselves once her kids left. Maybe she would be reassured if your son did spend a set amount of time (maybe every other weekend for example) with his mum. Maybe she felt she'd done her mothering, and wasn't wanting to get drawn back into doing it again. Maybe it's your son's background of difficulties (which you've mentioned), which is putting her off. Maybe if your son guaranteed he would be self-sufficient and engaged within the household, that might allay some possible concerns. It's hard to know how to address whatever concerns she might have without finding out what they might be. Hopefully, she might see that having been such a good role model to her kids, she could hardly expect you to be anything less than supportive to your own son.