My wife = my biggest stressor
I’m new to this forum, new to all forums honestly. I really don’t know where to go or who to go to anymore. I don’t really know what to expect with this but I have to let things out or I feel like I will lose my mind.
My Wife and I live in LA County. We have a 18 month old boy who is the light of my life. We just bought our first house 2 months ago and I am renovating the kitchen while we live here. I started a new Director level job the week after we moved into the new house. Everything should be great, right? No. It’s not.
My wife struggles with postpartum depression. I’ve always heard about it but never imagined it could affect someone so deeply. I never knew it could affect me so deeply, either. She can be the sweet and loving person I married one minute and then turn into a terrible person the next. I try to remind myself that it is the hormones that is making her like this but I just can’t cope with this anymore.
Last year I BEGGED her to speak to a therapist. I offered to do couples counseling and we did 3 sessions before she quit. I ended up seeing a therapist for about 8 months for my own troubles and emotional support. She eventually went to a doctor and got on some medications but is recently stopped taking them. She is slipping back into her postpartum way of being and I can’t go through that again.
I am constantly blamed for her state of being, which makes me feel inadequate as a husband and father. I am always the cause of her episodes or breakdowns. I never do enough to help her. I always need to do more. I am the only income earner for our household and the moment I clock out of work, I clock in as father. Once my son goes to sleep, I clock in as husband. Once my wife goes to sleep, I clock in as home carer. I get no emotional support, no breaks, no days off, no hours off, no appreciation, no peace, and no love.
I know I am throwing a pitty party for myself but that’s how I feel. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t know for how much longer I can keep going like this. Of all the stresses I have in my life, my wife is the biggest one.
It doesn’t appear that my wife will ever change. I have tried my very best to better myself and to try and be more resilient for both of us but it’s not enough.
Im open to hear anything that anyone has to say. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I'm sorry to hear this ...as humans we have primal needs of love, intimacy, some control over our own decision making, emotional safety and security. if these are not met in a relationship we feel resentful and disconnected. This resentment stacks up unfortunately and I feel you are in a similar position to many of my clients. Have you tried Relationship Therapy rather than general counselling? This can focus on how you communicate to get your needs met. It can sometimes take a few changes in one person, but that can make a big difference, at least its worth trying proven strategies before making decisions to leave. You can also learn tools and techniques like NLP and hypnotherapy to dissociate from the painful emotions and stay in a calmer space, when things get tough. best of luck.
ill send a link of an recently published article on anger - some of the tips may help.