I have been thinking about either a separation or divorce for some time but I have never spoke about it to my wife's face. To give a small background of my situation, I'm a father to 2 little girls, one is 3 years old and the other will turn 6 months soon. We have both wanted kids, but our approaches to raising kids are different. In addition, we have other barriers that prevent us from finding a happy medium or point of compromise for the following reasons:
1. She earns nearly 4x as much income as me
2. My ability to understand and interpret what other people say divides our ability to communicate, even when we're both speaking English
3. I have lost my job several times throughout my career
4. My thinking and execution of everyday tasks is slower than my wife's
5. Due to all of the above, she has sweared and taken physical shots at me even in front of our kids. She also said if you are not this slow and stupid I would not behave this way
Also keep in mind that my wife's parents live with me, my wife and kids and they see what's going on. They're at the point where they vouch for my wife's actions. Although I can do almost all household duties (including taking care of the kids), I couldn't prove (in their eyes) that I do it better or just as good as my wife or in-laws do it. Also, my in-laws help out with cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids too.
I have suggested going to therapy for myself to try and improve my mental health for my sake and for the kids, but my wife has adamantly dismissed it since she basically said I'm too stupid. I have also taken some online mental health assessments and it's a moderate to high chance I have ADD/ADHD, since the constant misunderstandings and making mistakes both at home and at work are signs of that symptom. However, I won't self-diagnose unless this is confirmed by a doctor. I can't really go to therapy behind my wife's back and I can't really discuss this with anyone else since I do not want my friends and family taking sides. I don't really have anywhere else to turn to and would like to get some advice on possible ways to handle this. It's also possible that if this goes to court, I will lose my kids as well since any evidence present will likely prove that my wife is a better caretaker to the kids compared to me.
Thats a very sad story and you definitely need some support. Have you seen your doctor? If they put you forward for assessments and/or counselling then hopefully your wife would not object. Can you do some reading on building up your self esteem and confidence?
@champagne My wife objects to me getting any sort of outside help because she doesn't want strangers to know her story and she doesn't believe in spending money to speak to strangers (unless it's for medical purposes).
What kind of books would you recommend for building self-esteem? To sum it up, my wife acts the way she does because the way I carry myself day-to-day doesn't make her or her family feel safe.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? - I think that you should answer this question for yourself, depending on how you feel.
As far as I understand you have 2 options. First, you need to figure out how to talk frankly with your wife and try to work through all the problems and misunderstandings together. Consider couples counseling as an option. Maybe in her thoughts regarding you, not everything is as bad as you think, she may be just stressed because of two small children.
But if compromise is truly impossible, then given the complexity of your situation, it may be helpful to seek professional help, both in terms of therapy for yourself and legal advice, if you are considering separation or divorce. Despite your wife's objections, consider pursuing therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you work through your feelings, develop coping strategies, and provide guidance on how to navigate difficult situations. If you are concerned about your wife's actions towards you, keep a record of any incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This might be useful if you need to provide evidence in court or for legal proceedings.