Hi All,
Not sure if this the right area, but I need some advice/guidance.
Background
I have been separated from my ex wife since April 2022 and going through the divorce process since June 22. I have 3 boys aged 6, 4 and 18 months. My ex had an emotional affair, asked me to leave the family home for 6 months on a radio silence separation so she could pursue a relationship with the person who she had an emotional affair with and if she couldn’t have a relationship, she would have me back! I filed for divorce as had previously tried to make the marriage work with no luck and realised that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.
I currently do an average of 3 nights a week and have been paying a private arrangement up until last month when CMS contacted me, however the 3 nights a week didn’t take into account additional time over holidays. I live in a rental currently and the ex has moved from the marital home to a rental 30 mins away, so currently also paying a mortgage for a property neither of us live in but both own. Social services are involved and concerned about the children’s behaviours when in mothers care.
The issues
Since January this year, the co parenting relationship has become very toxic, this has stemmed from me standing up for myself. Prior to January, I was more flexible and would swap weekends and days if I was able to, answer calls to help her with bedtimes etc, I was also paying a private arrangement based on 2-3 nights a week for 2 children staying 3 nights a week, to allow some flexibility due to work, with my youngest being restricted from staying at mine due to the ex refusing to give up breast feeding or providing alternatives.
In January, I asked to have my youngest to stay at least 1 night a week, which was met with negativity, but eventually was agreed. In addition my ex booked a 16 night holiday to India in October 2023, without any discussion regarding covering childcare. I have always contested this and refused that I would cover childcare, as I would need to be off work for 16 days due to not being able to do wraparound care.
I now have and have since February had all 3 children for 3 nights a week and additional in the holidays, this equates to roughly 176 nights per year, however she has contested this with CMS. In addition she contests various elements around my care with the children and has stated in the school holidays we need to be doing week on and week off.
The questions
- India trip: Can my ex just impose childcare on me, without consultation, or just go without having a plan in place? Could this be grounds for abandonment?
- School Holidays: In a 60:40 arrangement based on nights, what is the expectation on school holidays? Should this be 50/50? Or is it her responsibility to cover childcare over the holidays during the days?
Does CMS have any bearing on this? - Childcare Generally: Am I responsible for paying my youngest childcare costs for the days where they with me on the night? Or would this be deemed the primary care providers?
There are number of issues including bombarding me with emails and texts, booking things for the kids on my time with them without consulting, imposing when she can’t have the children due to her social activities. I believe she may have NPD, but unable to prove it.
This is all new to me and it just feels like it is a losing battle and often struggle to know how to move forward. I am now on beta blockers for panic attacks and anxiety due to her behaviour!
Thanks in advance
C
1. Find, signup and discuss situation and plans / applications with a solicitor.
2. Book the time off work / unpaid leave to cover child arrangements the three weeks and arrange in advance for another person to also help out.
3. In the first week away, file ex parte applications with the court / prohibitive steps order from other parent having the children / FMH occupancy order.
4. In the interim move back into FMH to save costs and change locks (offer other parent a key through solicitors in meantime, pending occupancy order). CCTV should be set up as attendance should only be by mutual agreement and to evidence any unreasonable behaviour.
5. Notify CMS that you are the parent with care.
Court system will work out (will take time) long term arrangements if any dispute. In meantime you’ll have the children full time, occupancy of FMH and be in receipt of CMS payments.