Hello All,
After reading many amazing posts, I decided to share my story and see if some can relate and provide some advice and tips on what helped them during difficult times.
I am a parent to a 3-year-old, my only child and my absolute rock. I am fortunate in many ways that our relationship is amazing when I see and speak to him. My ex and I split up in early 2022; it was on the cards ever since our little one was born. I never wanted or expected to be a part-time dad, and I struggled to come to terms with not seeing him every day.
Fast-forward almost a year, and I feel my mental health is worse now than ever. I have pretty bad anxiety relating to my son and a recurring fear that something may happen to him when I am not there to protect him. The past year I have given every ounce of energy to ensure my son is happy, so much so that I have almost put my life on hold.
This isn't healthy, and I am working on changing this mindset, but my bond with him is like no other I have experienced.
My relationship with my ex isn't great. There are way too many issues to list in a single post, but I get concerned with the level of control I feel is put on me. Looking back, I can see how I have backed down to endless requests to keep the peace in fear that one day she will refuse me to see our son and a lengthy court case that isn't healthy for anyone.
At what point do fathers need to stand tall and say no more?
I have considered mediation and a court order to apply for joint custody, but I understand this doesn't mean 50/50. I currently have my son on a Wednesday and one day every weekend. I should feel privileged after reading some posts about how some fathers don't see their kids at all. The problem is I don't; I feel angry. At least I want to spend 50% of every year with my son, and I realise this is generally an unrealistic expectation.
The ex has recently got into a new relationship. It was kept from me despite our agreement last year to discuss new partners before they meet our son. I also found out recently that she has changed his nursery and only told me after all the paperwork was complete and in place for him to start in a few weeks.
At what point do you risk putting your foot down more? And does it ever work, given the mother holds all the cards?
Hello Steve80,
Thank you for sharing your story, and for being very open about how you are feeling at this time. How great it is to read that you have a close and positive relationship with your son. He will not forget how you have loved him during the early years of his life.
I would like to suggest that you go and see your GP for advice or referral for some 1-1 counselling to discuss your anxiety. It is good that you recognise that something needs to change with regards to the level of intensity your relationship is with your son, but please don't ever feel you have to "damp down" the love you have for your son. You clearly care about him and this is to be commended.
By talking through your fears and family situation with a counsellor, they will help you to rationalise and break down your thoughts and give you strategies on how to cope. It is a sign of strength that you are wanting to change.
With regards to the change of nursery issue, I would suggest that you politely say to your ex partner that you would like to be informed of any potential changes in what you had agreed so that you have time to process and to agree to it or not.
You can be assertive without being passive and aggressive - and by keeping your respect and dignity, your son will appreciate and know that Dad has always done the correct things with the right attitude.
Keep making memories with your son, enjoy the 1-1 time you have with him, keep a record of your times together and remember that a child will benefit from both parents, who try their very best to get on with each other for the good of their child.
I wish you well, let us know how you are getting on.
Kind regards,
Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
Hello All,
After reading many amazing posts, I decided to share my story and see if some can relate and provide some advice and tips on what helped them during difficult times.
I am a parent to a 3-year-old, my only child and my absolute rock. I am fortunate in many ways that our relationship is amazing when I see and speak to him. My ex and I split up in early 2022; it was on the cards ever since our little one was born. I never wanted or expected to be a part-time dad, and I struggled to come to terms with not seeing him every day.
Fast-forward almost a year, and I feel my mental health is worse now than ever. I have pretty bad anxiety relating to my son and a recurring fear that something may happen to him when I am not there to protect him. The past year I have given every ounce of energy to ensure my son is happy, so much so that I have almost put my life on hold.
This isn't healthy, and I am working on changing this mindset, but my bond with him is like no other I have experienced.
My relationship with my ex isn't great. There are way too many issues to list in a single post, but I get concerned with the level of control I feel is put on me. Looking back, I can see how I have backed down to endless requests to keep the peace in fear that one day she will refuse me to see our son and a lengthy court case that isn't healthy for anyone.
At what point do fathers need to stand tall and say no more?
I have considered mediation and a court order to apply for joint custody, but I understand this doesn't mean 50/50. I currently have my son on a Wednesday and one day every weekend. I should feel privileged after reading some posts about how some fathers don't see their kids at all. The problem is I don't; I feel angry. At least I want to spend 50% of every year with my son, and I realise this is generally an unrealistic expectation.The ex has recently got into a new relationship. It was kept from me despite our agreement last year to discuss new partners before they meet our son. I also found out recently that she has changed his nursery and only told me after all the paperwork was complete and in place for him to start in a few weeks.
At what point do you risk putting your foot down more? And does it ever work, given the mother holds all the cards?
Hi, so at present the child does not stay overnight with you? If you would like to know my experience, When I was going through courts they ordered that youngest child is to start staying overnight from age 2 and a half (3 at the latest). Every case is different.
You could ask ex about wanting child to stay overnight and see what response you get. If she refuses you can invite her to mediation.
Hello All,
After reading many amazing posts, I decided to share my story and see if some can relate and provide some advice and tips on what helped them during difficult times.
I am a parent to a 3-year-old, my only child and my absolute rock. I am fortunate in many ways that our relationship is amazing when I see and speak to him. My ex and I split up in early 2022; it was on the cards ever since our little one was born. I never wanted or expected to be a part-time dad, and I struggled to come to terms with not seeing him every day.
Fast-forward almost a year, and I feel my mental health is worse now than ever. I have pretty bad anxiety relating to my son and a recurring fear that something may happen to him when I am not there to protect him. The past year I have given every ounce of energy to ensure my son is happy, so much so that I have almost put my life on hold.
This isn't healthy, and I am working on changing this mindset, but my bond with him is like no other I have experienced.
My relationship with my ex isn't great. There are way too many issues to list in a single post, but I get concerned with the level of control I feel is put on me. Looking back, I can see how I have backed down to endless requests to keep the peace in fear that one day she will refuse me to see our son and a lengthy court case that isn't healthy for anyone.
At what point do fathers need to stand tall and say no more?
I have considered mediation and a court order to apply for joint custody, but I understand this doesn't mean 50/50. I currently have my son on a Wednesday and one day every weekend. I should feel privileged after reading some posts about how some fathers don't see their kids at all. The problem is I don't; I feel angry. At least I want to spend 50% of every year with my son, and I realise this is generally an unrealistic expectation.The ex has recently got into a new relationship. It was kept from me despite our agreement last year to discuss new partners before they meet our son. I also found out recently that she has changed his nursery and only told me after all the paperwork was complete and in place for him to start in a few weeks.
At what point do you risk putting your foot down more? And does it ever work, given the mother holds all the cards?
Hi, so at present the child does not stay overnight with you? If you would like to know my experience, When I was going through courts they ordered that youngest child is to start staying overnight from age 2 and a half (3 at the latest). Every case is different.
You could ask ex about wanting child to stay overnight and see what response you get. If she refuses you can invite her to mediation.
Hi, that's correct. She was certainly doing this to assert control at first but using the excuse of 'it isn't in our sons best interest to stay with me at the moment'. To be fair, in the past month she has agreed for this to now happen, but not for the right reasons. She has met a new guy and they have begun dating so she wants some free time to spend with him. This pretty much sums up my life the past year.
I am moving to a new house next week and will be having him overnight from then onwards. I'm not sure how your experience went but I certainly feel like I only get decisions go my way when it benefits her, yet she is the one constantly using the terminology of what is best for our son.
@clarinet Thank you for the kind words. I reached out just over a week ago to address the anxiety and have an initial appointment next week with an NHS team. I do hope in the long-term this will help me to deal and process all the things to come.
Steve80,
That's great news. Well done for taking that next step.