Bit of background. Married almost 20 years. Got two kids - teenager and toddler. Wife has had health problems past few years - firbromyalgia so its been tough for her. We're both mid 40s.
Shes always been a bit "feisty" to be polite but recently we seem to argue about the same thing time and time again.
I might do something (or not do something) and she'll make a sarcastic comment or generally shitty comment. It happens A LOT. Mostly I just put up with it but sometimes I do snap when maybe I shouldnt (I appreciate Im not perfect!). Then it usually all kicks off and I go too far with the argument.
I've tried to sit down and sort it out. Explaining that. even if I do something that is out of order (ok sometimes I do), if she talks to me badly its going to cause an argument. Her attitude is "well you shouldnt have done that then". I remind her she doesnt speak to her friends like that (although she often rants about them) or she would have no friends.
Also, she refuses to talk about it - her attitude is that "look its done and dusted why are you bringing it up again". There is no problem as far as shes concerned.
She seems to want to say what she wants and then its all forgotten about - but hates it when I argue back or escalate things.....
Personally, I think that a person deserves a bit more respect. If you've got an issue, speak to them, but there is never any justiciation to speak to them like [censored].
I appreciate sometimes it does start with something I've done, and sometimes I snap when I shouldn't but Im not perfect. Wife on the other hand will NEVER EVER admit she is at fault or wrong....
Any suggestions how to handle?
Hi There,
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I can relate to this, and live in a similar way, my wife can snap and say things but if I react then it kicks off, we have been close to splitting a few times, but I generally back down.
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Maybe relate would be useful for you if she will agree to go, you would need to explain how, bad things are and that you can't cope with it going on this way.
.
GTTS
Hi there
I agree with actd, It might be helpful to get some outside help and Relate offer their services online or over the phone too, maybe something worth looking into.
It might also help if you write your wife a letter explaining how the constant arguements make you feel. Sometimes we can get stuck in a rut as far as our relationships are concerned and if things are left unresolved, resentment sets in.
You could try taking her out for a nice meal, it's often easier to chat about stuff in a more open way after a good meal and a couple of glasses of wine.
Best of luck
Sounds exactly like my Mrs. Sometimes I just can;t work out whats going on in her head.
Sometimes I think what shes just done or aid and think "are you right in the head or what?"
Wish I was gay sometimes and didn't have to cope with women!
Interesting to see what I wrote a year ago thats for sure!
Well we're still together. In a way its been worse at times though 🙁
Wife is late 40s now so think menopause is one more issues. Some of her mood swings are very strange.....
Anyway, I do try to ignore it. Some days I can tell as soon as I walk through the door that its going to be one of those days. Its like a black cloud is following her around.
She niggles, makes snidey comments, makes sarcastic comments. Then sometimes she'll raise her voice and thats it - I'll flip.
Im pretty easy going generally but it gets to me in the end. I can abide people being rude and disrespectful and that includes being shouted at by the mrs for no reason.
Never a good idea. But she NEVER thinks shes wrong which is a bit much sometimes....
So any practical advice?
Some women are just beyond any form of understanding, try talking to your wife ask her were she'd like to go on a evening out with you and you tell her were you'd like to go and go do them on alternate evenings, you might hate her idea of a nice evening out and vice versa but the other option is never trying and never making a change cos you both might start to enjoy it due to being together and not due to what you are doing.
Like my wife loves Indian films, I don't I like mainstream uk USA and Korean films,, at first I didn't want to go with her but she said we take turns, first few times stomach turning from boredom but now I'll admit I don't mind sitting through 3hrs of bad acting and songs now while in good company being fed popcorn and treats and the films are growing on me. And the wife feels the same.
talk to your teenager explain how hard it is and you want to try to make things nicer, you don't say how old your teenager is.. . .babysitter?
My ex the one I'm in court now with over our daughter was really bad . Example I'd cook a three course meal and make desert after going to work, I'd be really happy. I love working and doing nice things and I show it by being the happy laid back person I am. So I'd cook, we'd eat, I'd be really happy and satisfied. I'd ask if she enjoyed it, she'd say yes but why do u ask, so id say cos I liked to hear you say it. She'd say yeh it was lovely and she will wash up, I'd say il help you she said park your [censored]! I said ok and sat and watched TV , five minutes later she'd walk in angry saying you lazy [censored] you just sat there and didn't get up to help and she'd escalate it and be going mental! I'd be sat in complete shock thinking what is she on!
Another time was over work, my view is I don't expect my partner to work, it's my duty to take that weight. My partner can work if she wants to but she should not ever have to work out of necessity.
She chose to go to work part time(looking back she was cheating) I'm self employed and it's a good lifestyle having people working for you I can finish early or not go in at all. One day I finished early cos just felt like it went to my friends garage hung out there Did some shopping and went home cooked, as it was approaching her time to come home I went up and ran her a bath, got candles ready, made a cup of tea for her, everything was in the bathroom ready as she walked down the path.
She walks in sees me sat all happy and goes absolutely mental you lazy [censored] I'm out working you just sitting etc etc and walked out.
I text her to say yes I finished early cos I can and if she'd not kicked off she'd have seen me take her coat and semd her upstairs to a bath brew and candles. She didn't apologise. Just some women are beyond being with.
I'm now happily married to a lovely Asian woman it's as good as being a happy batchelor with only the good bits of having a wife. Never questioned, do as u please, food is ready regardless of when I get home from work,(not in the bin with the ex hands on hips in hallway if was five minutes late lol) buy whatever I want to buy im a car nut and buy cars some get left to rot lol only thing I have to do is do my duty as a loving husband and father which I do naturally cos everything just works
Thanks CRX for the insight.
My mrs is not quite that bad but I can see some of the things there. Sometimes recently her behaviour has been very erratic and hard to explain.
Some women are just beyond any form of understanding, try talking to your wife ask her were she'd like to go on a evening out with you and you tell her were you'd like to go and go do them on alternate evenings, you might hate her idea of a nice evening out and vice versa but the other option is never trying and never making a change cos you both might start to enjoy it due to being together and not due to what you are doing.
Like my wife loves Indian films, I don't I like mainstream uk USA and Korean films,, at first I didn't want to go with her but she said we take turns, first few times stomach turning from boredom but now I'll admit I don't mind sitting through 3hrs of bad acting and songs now while in good company being fed popcorn and treats and the films are growing on me. And the wife feels the same.
talk to your teenager explain how hard it is and you want to try to make things nicer, you don't say how old your teenager is.. . .babysitter?
My ex the one I'm in court now with over our daughter was really bad . Example I'd cook a three course meal and make desert after going to work, I'd be really happy. I love working and doing nice things and I show it by being the happy laid back person I am. So I'd cook, we'd eat, I'd be really happy and satisfied. I'd ask if she enjoyed it, she'd say yes but why do u ask, so id say cos I liked to hear you say it. She'd say yeh it was lovely and she will wash up, I'd say il help you she said park your [censored]! I said ok and sat and watched TV , five minutes later she'd walk in angry saying you lazy [censored] you just sat there and didn't get up to help and she'd escalate it and be going mental! I'd be sat in complete shock thinking what is she on!
Another time was over work, my view is I don't expect my partner to work, it's my duty to take that weight. My partner can work if she wants to but she should not ever have to work out of necessity.
She chose to go to work part time(looking back she was cheating) I'm self employed and it's a good lifestyle having people working for you I can finish early or not go in at all. One day I finished early cos just felt like it went to my friends garage hung out there Did some shopping and went home cooked, as it was approaching her time to come home I went up and ran her a bath, got candles ready, made a cup of tea for her, everything was in the bathroom ready as she walked down the path.
She walks in sees me sat all happy and goes absolutely mental you lazy [censored] I'm out working you just sitting etc etc and walked out.
I text her to say yes I finished early cos I can and if she'd not kicked off she'd have seen me take her coat and semd her upstairs to a bath brew and candles. She didn't apologise. Just some women are beyond being with.
I'm now happily married to a lovely Asian woman it's as good as being a happy batchelor with only the good bits of having a wife. Never questioned, do as u please, food is ready regardless of when I get home from work,(not in the bin with the ex hands on hips in hallway if was five minutes late lol) buy whatever I want to buy im a car nut and buy cars some get left to rot lol only thing I have to do is do my duty as a loving husband and father which I do naturally cos everything just works
CRX - to be honest my wife is the same. Some of the things she says and does I just think "What on earth is the matter with you?".
Some of the stuff she comes up with I just think - how on earth can a sane person think that? She NEVER thinks shes wrong and will never give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
She nags constantly. Anything done even slightly different than how she'd do it she goes off on one. Last night I tried to speak to her calmly about it.
She went nuts saying I did all these things deliberately to wind her up. I honestly think shes mentally ill sometimes...
Well this was 3 years ago.
On the plus side we've not split up yet. Added bonus now of the good old menopause. Cracking that is.
In a way shes got worse to be honest. Some days you'd look at her and she looks as if the world is coming to an end.
Still get the crappy comments for no reason. She seems to spend every waking moment, making a shitty or sarcastic comment. Or criticising - I reckon I counted she makes about 200 critical comments a day.
It is what is I guess. Put up (with) or shut up I guess. I probably don't want to split up and shes not going to change for the time being at least (cheers menopause!) so I've decided to work on myself. i.e. not letting it get to me or wind me up.
Its pointless me getting wound up. Anyone got any advice on how to stay calm and just pretty much ignore stupid comments?
Have you considered going to Relate, I think you can have solo sessions before considering going as a couple
Back in the day there was a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. If you can get hold of a copy it has some helpful insights.