Hi fellas, so i guess as it says in the title,im struggling a bit.
I have 2 amazing daughters,who are my absolute world,my eldest is now 15 and obviously, its that time we have to let her grow up a bit,so me and the mrs try our best as parents,and we definitely did something right coz shes an amazing kid and im immensely proud of her.
The thing is,even though its amazing watching her grow,i really miss the relationship we had when she was little..i was her hero,daddys girl,partner in crime etc,but now of course shes at that age where she wants to do her own thing.
Also have an 8 year old,and she seems to be growing up quicker coz she wants to be like her big sister,so it feels like shes slipping away a bit too.
So my question is,is this normal? I never really knew my dad,and the closest person i had to a father passed away a long time ago.
Do all dads struggle with this bit? I dont want to hold them back,but i miss how brilliant they used to think i was,i think sometimes now im just the embarrassing old dad.
Its actually making me really depressed, i feel a bit redundant sometimes.
Do any other dads experience this or am i just being a wet wipe?
Thanks for any input.
Hello Dadwithissues,
Thank you for your honesty and sharing how you feel. It’s not easy sometimes. Well done on bringing up two daughters. From reading this it sounds like you and your partner are doing a great job. You are most definitely not a “wet wipe”.
I think that what you are describing is a perfectly normal process that us as parents go through at some stage or another with our children. It could be said that we are grieving for the life and the relationships we once had with our children and we miss how they were. I have a son and a daughter who are now 21 and 16 respectively and whilst they are awesome children I miss the stage when they were younger.
But - here’s the good news ! You and your partner have helped your children to become confident, self aware and mature young adults. As hard as it is, it is the natural life process to want to step away bit by bit and gain more independence and form your own thoughts and opinions.
Please talk to your partner about how you are feeling, as you might well find she feels the same way too. Make some time for each other and perhaps look at old photos or talk about happy times when the children were smaller.
May I suggest that you try having some 1-1 time with each of your children? This is a great way for them to choose an activity (no or low cost) that you can spend time doing together and to be able to enjoy spending quality time together. This helps our children to open up about their lives and what’s important to them.
Perhaps if you all sit and eat together for dinner - talk about your day to them and ask them about theirs. It sounds like common sense but sometimes we are all guilty of not talking enough and spending too much time on our phones.
If you feel it would help you - talk to a counsellor about how you feel being a father in light of what you have shared about having a father in your own life.
Again from reading this, your children love you for being their dad. The 15 year old is entering a time of having to make many choices and decisions in her life, hormones are all over the place, so keep encouraging and praising her for her achievements and let her know that you are there for her to talk to about anything. Your eight year old is still at the stage where she looks up to you - celebrate her successes, and again praise and encourage. Both your children will still need boundaries - so persevere with this and ensure it is the same from both you and your partner.
Fegans and Care For the Family are two great charities that have advice and practical articles about your children growing up. Google them and they will come up.
I wish you and your wife all the very best, look forward to the next stage in life with your 15 year old and savour the stage your 8 year old is at.
Kind Regards,
Parent Support Volunteer
Hi Dadwithissues,
I have a 15 year old son and a 12 year old daughter and some days they seem so dismissive and distant that I just want to sit on my bed, remember the days when I was relevant and cry. But I still get hugs and moments of feeling important to them.
I knew that this would happen, I knew that they would grow up... it just seemed so fast. I take solace in the knowledge that it is a perfectly normal phase that they are going through and they cannot be reliant on me forever.
I have raised them both on my own for over 12 years now, so I find it particularly hard reconciling the memories of who they were with the amazing, independent people that they are becoming.
I believe that it is normal behaviour on their part, I am just feeling less alone now with how I was coping with it, so thank you for sharing.
This is a difficult transition stage for you - as a father you want to see them grow up and be able to live independently, but when they do, it's hard letting go. Believe me, I have been through this stage and I am immensely proud of what my children have become - they don't need me any more, so what I have is based on them now being friends, rather than dependents, which is much, much more satisfying.