Hello from a Dad of two who need advises
first, it is great to see that ( for the first time that i look in 5 years ) there are so many supports for parents and particularly dad. I am sure some dad went through h**l and I need today after so many years some help and advises. Maybe someone went through the same issues.
I am French living in Uk since now 11 years, and on the first year I meet a lovely lady that I thought was going to be the 'true one'.
A year later, my daughter was born. But it only lasted for few years before we realised that we were too young and that we were not in love. I have still a very good relationship ( pretty much remain friend ) and pay every month my child maintenance and see my daughter as much as I physically can since now 8 years - two weekend a month.
During my first separation, I did meet in few occasions a beautiful girl. There were some worries about who she was and I decided to end our relationship quickly after a month. Few month later, she was pregnant... Something that was not possible due to protections she was 'taking' at that time. She later told me that she only wanted to have a baby and 'trap' me because of my stable job and life style that I could provide them. That I was "the perfect Dad".
We even went for a DNA test at that time. I couldn't believe it, he was mine.
I am not sure why, but I never really did get advises for that or anything really. So I just took the heat and accept it.
My son was born and I even went to see him on few occasions to try to create a bond and a pattern for me to see both of my kids fairly. But my relationship with his mum turn horribly wrong; insults, tracking down my friends and family, calling my work place ... To the point that one day: I found a baby at my door when going home after work. I never saw my son after that night again.
Her message that night was clear; that if I will not support her more ( financially ) she will drop him at my place at work or my house time to time to 'teach me'. I went few time to group therapy as my anxiety went to the roof and this until today.
I paid every months her child maintenance and every time she is asking for pocket money or advance on child maintenance, I transfer her money. I never saw my son again, I do not even know where they live and I am terrified of the idea of meeting her again.
It has been 5 years but I want to regain control of my life without the worry of her using my son as a weapon.
If someone read this and have the best ideas where to start it will be great.
I would suggest you call her bluff. Just pay what is required and ignore requests/demands to pay more. If she comes to your place of work or home you can call the police to get her removed. If she persists you can get an injunction to stop her. If she drops your son with you and disappears, you can call social services and they will look after him and investigate her care of your son.
If you would like to regain contact with son, you can try taking legal route. Courts can try to locate her and send paperwork. Can apply for child arrangement order
Form C4: Ask the court to order someone to give information about where a child is
Update after a month: I have contacted and finally engage with Child maintenance services for them to take care of the maintenance of my son. However my ex partner is playing quiet since and have no heard back from her. Also, it appear that she did not reply back yet to the service, it has been over 6 weeks...
How are things going for you now? I cannot advise you with the legal side of things, but I would advise you to continue to receive therapy, for your mental health wellness and own peace of mind. Use your family and friends as confidants if it helps, or if you prefer a more anonymous service like you have done previously - a support group for your anxiety. I would hope that you have made some progress, but I would advise also, as the other person commented, not to give any additional financial support to your ex when she demands it. As long as you are paying the correct amount for your son and are supporting him as best as you can, then that's good.
I hope all is going well with your daughter too, you have had a lot to cope with, so take it one step at a time and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Wishing you all the best,