I have been separated from my ex nearly 10 years and we have 2 boys together aged 9 and 11. I see the boys every other weekend plus during the school holidays but recently contact has been somewhat strained. My eldest has recently decided that he wants nothing to do with me for reasons that I'm unaware of, and his mother is holding off from telling me as, "she wants him to tell me himself". Now although this is very hurtful what he is doing, half of me is thinking this is a phase and to do with his age (pre teen). I have been to court and an order is in place, but the court order does state that if they children don't want to come then we are not to force them.
The problem bring is that I don't trust the ex and feel she could be manipulating things to suit so to speak. I would be keen to know what others thoughts on this are as I feel lost as what to do. Just to add, myself and my new partner are expecting a baby in November of this year which the 2 boys and my ex don't know about yet.
Massive thanks in advance
Could it be he'd like time with you on your own and not with your new partner? Maybe you could spend some time during their visit with just the boys? When football starts, perhaps go to a match together? It could be tricky when the baby comes as they may feel excluded so time with them could be more important.
Hi matt0079, thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about your eldest son. You have clearly worked hard at maintaining contact with both your boys throughout their lives. It may not seem like it just at the moment, but this will have been, and still is, so important for them.
You mention that your eldest is 11, so I am guessing he is either just finishing his last year at primary school or his first year at secondary school. Either way, it is a time of transition for him, and add puberty into the mix..... so, you are right in recognising his current reluctance to spend time with you may be partly a result of the changes he is working through. However, he (and his brother) will still both really benefit from having you continuing to be involved in their lives, so I would encourage you to keep persevering.
Are you able to communicate in any other ways with your eldest, such as on the phone or video calls? Or can you write him messages or notes? If you haven't already, I would encourage you to try and find an opportunity simply to tell him how much you love him and miss spending time with him. Is there something you could mention in a call or a note which shows how proud you are of him - either how he has tried hard at school this year, or shown a talent in a sporting or other context? If you feel it is appropriate, you might also add that you would like to listen to anything he would like to tell you about how he is feeling at the moment. It may be a time in your relationship when you do need to be patient, trying to keep in contact in other ways without giving up on encouraging him to spend time with you. Family mediation is also something you could possibly consider, but this would need your ex and your son to be willing to participate.
Assuming you still have regular contact with your younger son, try to enjoy these times together, keeping the focus on him and on building and maintaining your relationship with him.
It is exciting expecting a new child - congratulations! I would suggest finding a way of talking about this with your 2 boys sooner rather than later. They may be very excited as well, or they may seem indifferent, or they may find some aspects of this difficult to accept, initially or further down the road. Again, you may need to be patient. They may worry that you will now want to spend less time with them. If you can keep your arrangements and communications with them as consistent as possible, they are less likely to have concerns, and you will have regular opportunities to continue showing and telling them how important they are to you.
Never give up being the committed Dad you clearly are trying to be.
kind regards
Spurgeons Parent Support