Hi all,
I have recently been having a rather trying time with my ex and her new partner, he is a controlling narcissist who left his wife and moved in with my ex after meeting my daughter once. I had a reasonable co parenting with my ex before he moved in a year ago, in the past year the relationship has rapidly deteriorated.
To the point of today: I got a text at 3pm saying contact won't happen this week as child services had contacted mother and I'm to ring them ASAP.
I did and I was shocked by the conversation. Basically I bath my daughter who is 5 and it seems that it is frowned upon to bath with them (daughter requests I bath with her so she can force feed me bubbles and play with toys in the bath). They have assured me that they need to come and speak to me as its inappropriate to bath with my child.?
Turns out mother has actually phoned them for 'advice' and that has trigger3d this. They also want to speak to my 15 year old son who lives with me and has since he was 5.
I have video of my ex being verbally abusive to me when I dropped my daughter off back in October, as well as Facebook posts where her and her bf are advocating class a drug use. They also gave his r3cently turned 18 year old son ecstasy when they took him to a rave back in November.
I am on a suspended order for drug supply (please don't judge as I already have been and am doing my punishment as well as my order - plus it happened 4 years ago). - I suggested mediation back in October to get my contact in writing, she told me she would go for a no contact order as who would they believe, a convicted drug dealer or her...
Her other daughters dad is having major issues and this man that has installed himself seems to think he has pr over both children, I have also had to point out that they shouldn't be grooming a 5 year old to call this man step dad as they are not married and he has only been there for a short time.
I'm at my wits end, I've done nothing wrong bar bath my daughter and didn't think it was an issue and think this is a play to get me out of my daughters life.
Any advise?
hi,
sorry to hear your going through a tough time. this bath issue does sound petty. All I can suggest is if child services want to visit and speak to you, then it's better to co-operate with them. be polite and reasonable. hope this gets sorted out for you and you can carry on with life.
Hello Wonkyfunk303,
Thankyou for having the courage to share what is not an easy situation and one that needs a considerable amount of patience, wisdom and calm.
As the previous post has said, I would agree with the fact that it would be wise to be as open and compliant with Children’s Service’s as you can be. They have the best interest of the child first, but as your daughters father it is important that you are able to communicate your side of the story and how you are feeling about things.
If I maybe be brave and suggest that as your daughter is now five, is it time to let her have a bath alone (as in the bath itself), and you play bubbles with her next to the bath? To simplify an explanation for her could be “As you’re growing into a big girl now, Daddy will sit in the bathroom whilst you’re in the bath and blow bubbles etc from there.” Please don’t misunderstand my take on this, as a parent myself along with my partner we felt it was important to have boundaries for things like this.
I applaud your honesty about the issue you mention and hope that you are able to put that behind you.
It maybe helpful to make some notes, or jot down some questions you may have to ask when you are contacted. I understand this must be a very stressful situation for you, but try your best to keep a clear head, seek advice if you need too, and take one day a time.
I wish you well.
kind regards, Fegans Parent Support
@clarinet thank you for your in depth reply, in hindsight I can see how it may seem, it had just never occurred to me to see it like that.
There were other avenues that this could of been tackled however, like my ex maybe having a word and saying look, she has said this, do you think it is appropriate... but due to her lacking in communication (I don't think she is allowed unless it's abuse), this conversation didn't happen. She knows damm well I wouldn't harm a hair on my daughters head and I dote on my lil girl. It's a very very nasty attempt at being malicious.
Of course I intend to be as open and honest with ss as it is simply clearly an oversight on my part, but this, I hope is a two way street and I have a lost of my own concerns regarding my daughters home life (she's been told she's not allowed to talk about me at home, can only phone me from her room etc etc...), another thing that griped me is the way the socal worker was 'she has a duty to protect her child.' I had to point out on the phone that it was our child as I am her dad....
I'm still worried, upset and a little anger in there but I'm holding it together, I just can't see an end road to all this or more so a road back to contact with my daughter.
- @wonkyfunk303 - thanks for your reply. Like I said before, keep a record of matters discussed, keep communicating as best as you can. If you have a friend who could support you and perhaps be a listening ear too that may help.
One day at a time. I would suggest it’s normal to feel all that you are feeling, but how we express emotions like anger is important. If it helps write down your feelings on paper and then destroy them. It helps turn them from thoughts to getting them out of your system. - All the best 😊
Ok. So an update,
Had the conference, explained my side exactly as it happened, they have put daughter on cin plan and I have to do some work on boundaries with them before they give me the OK to see my daughter. However... I previously mentioned her new partner, well I blocked him from the meeting, seeing as I have pr, plus its not really anything to do with him being as he's just her mothers boyfriend and I've b3en threatened and intimidated before (police aware).
20 minutes before the cinfer3nce he made a rather unpleasant email, a statement from him and her.
Basically saying I was a paedophile and I encouraged that behaviour, I've crossed a line that can't be uncrossed, it was nasty and a lot longer. Ss asked my ex if they were her views too and she said yes (bear in mind she's being controlled by this man), I did hear afterwards (through my probation officer), she was given short shrift and they apparently ripped her apart over the email as everyone was disgusted at it, including the police part of the table. But at the end, it's down to her to let me see my daughter and she's not letting me.....
So next will have to be court,, does anyone know what my rights are on getting a copy of this email statement, I have asked for it but told it will be in the minutes of the meeting, however I know how slippery ss can be so want to make sure they don't water it down as I'm sure I have a case for a libel action, being wrongly accused of being a paedophile is a pretty serious thing, this has done my mental health no good and just the trauma alone of the whole thing has pushed me to the edge. Ss and the panel are happy I've not dome anything wrong, just an innapropriate boundary but this vile person who is around my daughter is destroying us both.
Hello again, just catching up with things - sorry to learn of the latest developments. Although I cannot offer advice on legal matters, I would suggest you contact a legal organisation who would be able to offer advice on what you have stated in your update.
Also, as I mentioned last time, you need to make sure that you are looking after yourself as much as you can - both mentally and physically. Make sure you are eating and drinking properly and at regular times. How is your sleeping? Do you need to make your GP aware of the situation you are going through - explaining to them that it's very stressful. They maybe able to refer you for some counselling sessions to support you through this next stage.
I think it's also important to remember that you are trying to do your very best for your daughter. Keep being open and honest as you continue to seek acesss again to your daughter. Take all the advice and help offered on appropriate boundary work, and work with, not against, the relevant authorities and agencies.
On a lighter note, for your future, why not make a memory book/box for your daughter of things you loved doing together,, for example the park, or playing with her toys. And also think about what you could look forward too. I understand when you are in the midst of a battle it would seem impossible to think that things will work out, but try not to give up hope. Hold onto the memories and the positives you do and already have and this will help you for the future.
Take care and I hope this next stage you have a positive outcome.
Parent Support Volunteer