hi,
look up mediateUK. book a video call. once they know your situation, they should sign you off and give you permission to make court application.
I'm pretty much going to reiterate what has already been said, but yes, get on to a mediator today.
From my experience, if mediation is refused, or doesn't work, don't worry, that will be noted by the mediator and you will be able to use that in court - the court like parents to try mediation first, but if it didn't happen/work, they will see you had tried, and you will have the box already ticked, if that makes sense.
Sorry things have got bitter with your ex. Break ups often start off amicable, but unfortunately, as has been proved too many times, when the custodial parent doesn't get what they are demanding, no matter how unreasonable, being amicable goes out the window. If you can accept that your ex is going to be difficult now, at early doors, you will have an easier time going forward, as you won't ever be expecting things to always be smooth sailing, and as such you will have the resources you need to go forward, no matter what obstacles she tries to put in your way.
She has no right to demand you get another job. You are doing everything you can in the circumstances and that is all that is required of you. Independent school is a luxury. If you can afford it, great, but if you can't, she's in no position to harass you for money or stop you seeing your child. For parents who are together, if they can't afford something for their child, whatever it might be, they don't get it. They provide for their child in the best way that their financial circumstances allow. It's no different for separated or divorced parents.
Once a court order is in place, yes, custodial parents can say 'no, you're not seeing your child' or breach the order in another way if they really feel the rules don't apply to them, but they don't get away with it for long. You apply for an enforcement order and the court will correct things. So, although they 'can' do it, they are breaching the order, and will find themselves back in court soon enough. If they really [censored] around though, the court will take it seriously, as has been said.
Definitely get the ball rolling today.
I should also reiterate what has been said about disengaging with your ex. Only communicate with her if it is absolutely necessary. As hard as it is right now, don't keep asking for contact if she has refused - she won't change her mind. Don't make any mention of mediators or court either, let them do that for you. And note everything that has been going on in a diary, as well as saving any critical emails or texts where she has refused contact, made demands, been abusive, harassing, or accusatory. Those things can carry real weight. Make a habit of doing this going forward with every communication you have with her. It will seem like a pain in the [censored] to begin with, but just make a time each day to do it, and it will soon just become routine, and you will be glad you did it should a solicitor, CAFCASS, or the court ever require evidence or dates. You can bet your life your ex won't be doing the same, because you're the good guy here, so she will never have anything she needs to document, proving your case.
Sorry things have got bitter with your ex. Break ups often start off amicable, but unfortunately, as has been proved too many times, when the custodial parent doesn't get what they are demanding, no matter how unreasonable, being amicable goes out the window. If you can accept that your ex is going to be difficult now, at early doors, you will have an easier time going forward, as you won't ever be expecting things to always be smooth sailing, and as such you will have the resources you need to go forward, no matter what obstacles she tries to put in your way.
thats good advice. my one expects me to pick up my kids from her place at 15:30, even though kids not going to school lol.
I havent acted on this with fear that she may cut contact and turn my son against me, further fear is that if she gets my way my son won't even remember me as he is still young. I feel lost and torn, my world seems to be turned upside down and the thought of everything makes me throw up.
Last contact with her she made it quite clear that I either pay up or don't see my son. She says she has already consulted in a solicitor and believes I have no right. She further says that she will crush me if we go to court, she will change his name on the birth certificate and he will never know me.
What are my chances of getting a court order to be able to see my son? If we go to court can she really cut me out?
Can she really change the name on the certificate without my consent?
You need to open a case with CMS before going to court - the court won't over rule CMS for child maintenance. I would stop paying anything above that once the case is open - however much you pay, your ex will want more, so pay the minimum - certainly don't dip into savings to do this.
She can't change the surname without a court order if you have PR, and I can't imagine any circumstance in your case where they would order that. And equally, a court is going to want to continue contact with you, especially as that's been happening until now.
I'm totally agree with you.
I can't stress enough that you need to act sooner rather than later. I totally empathise with your fears and concerns. Your ex is either just bluffing or she's deluded. She can't cut you out, definitely not because of money you don't actually have to be paying, and she can't change the name on the birth certificate without you agreeing to it and signing the paperwork. Pay no attention to her. My ex lies about things her solicitor has supposedly told her all the time, and that I don't have a leg to stand on, etc, to try and worry me in the hope that I will back down and stop proceedings, or to try and get me back under her control. The fact that your ex has said all this tells me she is just scared and clutching at straws, because actually she knows you are in the right, and if you take her to court it will go in your favour, and she can't bare the thought of losing face.
As has been said, the court will want contact with you to continue and will be looking to make that happen. And yes, register with CMS first, and she really won't have a leg to stand on regarding what you are paying in maintenance. As far as the court see it, what CMS says goes, when it comes to finances.
It's a scary time, but the longer you leave it, the more uncertain things will become, and the more your ex will mess around. This is a great forum for support and guidance when you're going through court. The people here have helped me out a lot. So, remember, you're not alone.
Also, I know I mentioned this before, but make sure all these threats, accusations, harassment, etc is noted down with dates and what exactly has been said, as well log any emails/screenshot and particularly nasty emails. If Cafcass or your solicitor asks for them, or asks for examples of your ex's behaviour, having them written down and dated will really help you.
I can't stress enough that you need to act sooner rather than later. I totally empathise with your fears and concerns. Your ex is either just bluffing or she's deluded. She can't cut you out, definitely not because of money you don't actually have to be paying, and she can't change the name on the birth certificate without you agreeing to it and signing the paperwork. Pay no attention to her. My ex lies about things her solicitor has supposedly told her all the time, and that I don't have a leg to stand on, etc, to try and worry me in the hope that I will back down and stop proceedings, or to try and get me back under her control. The fact that your ex has said all this tells me she is just scared and clutching at straws, because actually she knows you are in the right, and if you take her to court it will go in your favour, and she can't bare the thought of losing face.
As has been said, the court will want contact with you to continue and will be looking to make that happen. And yes, register with CMS first, and she really won't have a leg to stand on regarding what you are paying in maintenance. As far as the court see it, what CMS says goes, when it comes to finances.
It's a scary time, but the longer you leave it, the more uncertain things will become, and the more your ex will mess around. This is a great forum for support and guidance when you're going through court. The people here have helped me out a lot. So, remember, you're not alone.
Also, I know I mentioned this before, but make sure all these threats, accusations, harassment, etc is noted down with dates and what exactly has been said, as well log any emails/screenshot and particularly nasty emails. If Cafcass or your solicitor asks for them, or asks for examples of your ex's behaviour, having them written down and dated will really help you.
Thank you so much semifinalist87 for your advice and apologies I havent updated this sooner.
I have been holding off proceeding with this and have continued to allow her to bully me simply because I wanted my son to be present for his grand fathers 70th birthday. He is sick and misses him very much.
That is over now and futhermore she has really crossed the line by threatening to take her and my son back to her country so that I can never find her.
Going forward I will follow the advice you guys have given to me here. With my limited funds it would be great if you guys can point out where I should be spending money. I have been advised by friends that I should spend money at the beginning to get things rolling then represent myself.
So I will do this, this week -
1) Find a mediator for consultation (mediateUK maybe)
2) Start filling out C100
3) Apply to CMS
Is this correct?
Also, now that she has threatened to take my son and leave the country, what is the fastest way for me to prevent this?
Thank you guys so much in helping me through this.
hi,
mediate uk are very good, book an appointment with them. book a mediation meeting with them by yourself, MIAM. tell them about your ex's threats to remove kids kids from country. they should give your permission to make court application. mediate uk will charge you about £89-100 for the MIAM call.
with the c100 form, complete it online. tick the box for an urgent/without notice hearing, and your reason being the child is at imminent risk of being removed from the country by the mother. c100 form costs £215 to submit. if you are on low income you may be able to pay reduced amount or nothing at all.
another thing worth doing is speaking to police, and they may put out a border alert, so your ex would be stopped if trying to take kids abroad.
hi,
mediate uk are very good, book an appointment with them. book a mediation meeting with them by yourself, MIAM. tell them about your ex's threats to remove kids kids from country. they should give your permission to make court application. mediate uk will charge you about £89-100 for the MIAM call.
with the c100 form, complete it online. tick the box for an urgent/without notice hearing, and your reason being the child is at imminent risk of being removed from the country by the mother. c100 form costs £215 to submit. if you are on low income you may be able to pay reduced amount or nothing at all.
another thing worth doing is speaking to police, and they may put out a border alert, so your ex would be stopped if trying to take kids abroad.
Thank you Bill337, I have sent MediateUK an email to book an appointment and start the ball rolling.
It's the point of no return now.
I'll also start filling out the C100 form.
How to proceed with the form or with police, I will wait for MediateUK to advise.
Thanks again Bill.
As Bill has said, when you fill out the C100, tick the box for an urgent/without notice hearing and state your reasons why. In my opinion, threatening to take your kids out of the country will be considered very urgent by the court and I'd say you stand a good chance of getting a hearing very soon. To give you an idea of the time frame you can expect for an urgent hearing. I made an application late July and had my first hearing late August, so about a month, which is believe it or not is pretty quick for a court. Your case is much more urgent than mine though so you may get seen even sooner than that.
In regards to court fees, you might be required to pay the fee initially, but if you are on low income there is a form you can fill out afterwards to be refunded if you meet their requirements. Let me know if you need help locating this form and I will see if I have the name of it written down anywhere - the court don't make it obvious. I am still in the process of trying to get my refund as I am unable to get through to DWP for the proof of benefits I need.
I can can completely understand why you held out until after your dad's birthday, I have done similar things in the past. Dealing with these unreasonable mothers is like walking on eggshells, and sometimes we have to time things just right so that they don't 'crack' and then refuse something from us, like contact with our child, or permission to take our child to an important event, etc. We are always having to have a meticulous strategy in place just to achieve the most simple of things. As time as gone on, I have grown to care less about standing on my ex's eggshells as it does get exhausting, and more and more I accept that life with my daughter will never be straight forward, and look at it more these days like 'If my ex doesn't throw a spanner in the works today, then it's just a bonus, otherwise it's just another normal day and I'll just get on with it as always.'
Regarding the police, personally I would call them today on their non emergency number (111). Explain your situation and your plans, but that you are still concerned as to what might happen to your kids in the meantime, and ask them if there is anything they can do. The worst that can happen is that we will ask you to hang up and call 999 instead, and the best that will happen is that they contact your ex to let her know a report has been made on her, which may deter her from doing anything.