Hi Toks,
I will keep all communication. It's awful, it really is.
I have another question to everyone. I think if she moves on so soon, I will struggle to deal with this and someone else being around my child, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?
Thanks
I would seriously go a seek councelling as soon as possible - perhaps see your GP first, but councelling will help you to come to terms with any issues you will face, and also how to possibly deal with problems before they even occur.
...it's always really hard to contemplate ex partners moving on, especially where our kids are concerned. If you can, I would try and talk to her about this and try and reach agreement about when and how new partners are introduced.
Actd has offered some good advice and I would add that you should also make sure you are takng care of the basics, such as sleeping and getting enough to eat, it's really important to keep well physically to help you deal with the emotional side of things.
Try and take each day as it comes and avoid thinking too far into the future, concentrate on you and the kids and deal with any other issues as they arise.
All the best
Hey everyone,
Wanted to give you a quick update, I'm kind of confused to be honest.
This person, my ex has been my worse nightmare for the past few weeks and now she is going to counselling for the way she was and says she is getting help. It turns out she wasn't with anyone else however, thought I was with someone else (which I'm not).
She has literally begged me to get back with her to which I responded NO, you need to keep getting the help you need. She has responded by saying she will but doesn't want to lose me and wants me to give her a chance to prove herself. I am confused as to what to do!! I told her I won't be getting back with her anytime soon and said for her to continue with her help and we shall see how things go...I reassured her that even if I was to attempt to give it another go, it wouldn't be the same relationship as it was and that it could take me a year or more to even attempt to give it ago again.
Anyone been in this situation before? Should I keep running from my 10 year relationship or at least just see how things pan out with no tie's (apart from child) and if they go south, no harm done?
Only you can answer that fully, it depends on whether you want to try again under different circumstances.As you say, it wouldn't be in the same relationship as it was before, and you don't want it to be. But if it was different, would you want to try, or put another way, would you spend the next few years (or longer) wondering if it could have been good? I'm not saying you should go back, I'm merely being the devil's advocate here, it really is up to you whether you want to try again under different conditions, or whether you decide enough is really enough.
Hi Wizkid,
My advice is arrange some counselling for yourself asap and work things through before you jump straight back in, if you do go back then please take your time..... but sort yourself out first!. This is an incredibly confusing time with lots of people ultimately suffering from depression in some form..... myself included.
Keep all evidence you have, keep a daily diary of everything, you may not need it now but you never know how things will turn out, its also a good way of getting feeling and thoughts out and is useful for looking back on further down the line. If your ex is true to her word and is genuinely seeking help then at least she has taken the first steps and acknowledges there is an issue that needs a experts help to deal with..... (if she has been able to acknowledge her issues (even some of them) then this is far more than most manage to do and is a very positive step) she may learn to manage her behavior better and it may lead to a better relationship overall for everyone..... your child as well even if things don't work out between yourselves..... though this will not be some quick fix that is made better in a matter of weeks.... and will require working at.
It takes two people to make a relationship work...... it also takes two for a relationship to fail..... even when one is an abuser and the other is a victim, you both play a part in this..... this is one of the places where the counselling helps.... well has helped me at least
You can get a referral from your GP to see a Councillor however there is usually a waiting list, i paid privately myself, I did a set of six sessions following the immediate break up, followed by a further 8 three months later with another Councillor that then helped me focus on personal development and come to a much better understanding of myself, my own needs, triggers, stressors and how this all impacts upon my own relationship with the ex, my parents, my children, friends, other people in general..... once i'd learned to ask the right questions of myself i then applied this new knowledge to what i knew of my ex..... its like i grew up in terms of understanding . I have come to a very clear understanding of my place in my previous relationship and how this ultimately contributed to its failure.... saying that it has become abundantly clear just how much abuse i have put up with over the years in order to keep our former family unit intact. Please be aware that one aspect of an abuser is the ability to keep drawing the victim back, i can't tell you how many times i nearly walked away (and did twice) only for my ex to then become super sweet and overly nice to me creating a sense of confusion...... I knew that there would be abuse going to come in some form, but then also knowing that there would be a safe place after where everything would be ok again..... and in the process i came to think that it was all my fault... the wort thing is that due to my ex's own upbringing i truly do believe that she doesn't even recognize what she does as being abusive, or at least acts in the same self delusional way that i was doing.
We were together for over 16 years since our late teens.... even back then the righting was on the wall i just couldn't see it for what it was. My ex continues to use our children as a means of control whilst this is still going through court, and in the process my children are slowly succumbing to the emotional abuse to the point where i have made a referral to our local authority children's emotional well being service with the backing of their school head....... Hence if your ex truly is seeking help, then please support her if you are able (though i am not endorsing getting back together ;-])
In terms of your earlier question on books the ones that i have picked up the most to read are 'The truth about Children and Divorce' by Robert Emery and 'Helping your kids cope with divorce' by Gary Neuman. I also bought about six children's books for my kids to read (4 and 8 yo), they read them early doors though avoid them now and opt for other 'fun' reading books :-))).
I agree with ChainMail - I had counselling when my marriage was breaking down, initially with the idea of trying to fix the marriage, but when my ex was determined not to attend, then to help me through the breakup - by the time I had moved out (3 months from start of breakup to moving out) I was well and truly sorted and moved on. I definitely recommend it.
Hi guys,
It's been a few months since I last updated this post and since then a lot has changed.
I am still working over sea's but return back to the UK within the next month.
My partner is now going to counselling, we have been speaking the past few months and she is determined to show me that she is 'changing' to save the marriage. She is being ultra nice, different and obviously letting me have contact with my daughter now. We spoke about where things went wrong and she wants me to give her another chance. I somewhat agreed however said that I will not move back in with her until I feel I am ready and feel like she has changed. She understands but wants to still see one another so she can start showing how she has changed.
My problem now is that I don't know if I want to be with her now, more so because I keep thinking back to how the past relationship was and I can't really see the 'change' happening long term. I somewhat feel I should give it another go because we have had so many years together and we have a little girl together and its just easier but I refuse to ever go back to the relationship I previously had. I guess I am scared of starting again, in case it all goes south again and on the other side I am scared of actually going for a divorce because she might start reacting how she did at the start of the breakdown and I know I will have the same issue with my child again.
I am looking into seeking some type of counselling when I return back to the UK, hopefully as many of you have suggested, this might help me make my mind up.
I can understand why you want to try and make sure you are doing the right thing, hopefully counselling will help you to make the right decision. All the best
Hello wizkid,
Regarding the stage you are at now, could you put matters on "hold" and establish a sound friendship with your wife?
If that is possible, you would not be returning to the life you lived when you were together and at the same time if you delayed initiating a divorce you would avoid the fear of the consequences of doing so. In effect, you would be giving yourself and her time to recover from the trauma and for both of you to establish a balance in your lives independently from one another.
Over the passage of time nature may take it's course where you both get use to being friends but accept you live separately from one another. If friendship can be established divorce at that stage may then be a lot easier and importantly regular access to your daughter maintained.
Hello everyone,
Checking in after a few months!
I returned back to the UK towards the end of last year and pretty much moved back in with my wife after I started seeing change and she was regularly attending counselling. I did think it was a bit too soon but I thought if I was gonna plan on making this work then I need to trust that this would work. Over the past few months, especially during the run up to Christmas everything seemed to go fine...but there's catch....
Just before Christmas we went out for a family get together, this was the first time we had gone out together and I was a little worried because I know that when she has a drink or 3, she can suddenly change and arguments start. The night was going well until it was just me and her, to cut a long story short it ended up in an argument and she went home and I stayed out for a few more hours. The day after, she started shouting and kicking off when I woke up, trying to take my car keys and the house key, things got worse and she started being abusive again (mentally) and she started telling me to get out the house and throwing/putting my belongings outside...I really couldn't believe that this was happening again, I thought after all that we had been through and talked about, this wouldn't happen again. When things calmed down I expressed my concerns and how disappointed I was that this had happened again, she said sorry (as always) and said she understands why I'm upset and regrets doing what she did and promised that it wouldn't happen again and that she doesn't want to be that way.
I told her that I don't know if I can believe her, especially after everything we talked about prior to getting back together i.e the abuse (physical and mental) and I said that I was thinking of leaving as this clearly isn't going to change. In my mind, I was scared that she would react in anger again and start with the abuse and destroying my items so I said I'm not going to let this happen again and put the argument to bed. Things got better AGAIN as you would expect but things didn't seem to last for long....
One of the things I didn't like in the past was when she was always going out on weekday evenings and drinking, part of why I didn't like it was because it was too much and because she gets quite abusive when she has had a drink. She also does this on a weekend and when I question her, she gets defensive and her excuse is that she works all week and will do what she wants. I got to a point again where I had to say something and she got defensive and abusive, in fact these are some of the things she said:
- I'm not the same person I was when she met me, I'm boring
- I go to the gym and she obviously has her concerns because she said something along the lines of "why don't you go get that girl with the big [censored] at the gym" this sounds so silly, especially considering that she has never been to my gym, so she is just saying this for a further argument I guess
- She also believes that I am messaging someone else of social media, which is not true. She asked me to prove it by showing her and I refused because I believe if I give in then this is part of her being controlling
- I mentioned that the drinking was something we spoke about prior to getting back together and she said she will do what she wants
- I said, that we will talk about this tomorrow when you've not had a drink and her response was F**k off, we won't be talking about nothing tomorrow and I won't be saying sorry
- I said I refuse to do this and she also said she isn't doing it and walked off and slept downstairs
- She came in just before midnight with the children, one of which had an event that they needed to be up for and her reponse was I didn't tell her what time the event was. (I did)
This is where I am now and how I feel:
- I feel like this is a told you so moment and that I should never have moved back in again but now that I have, she feels she has got me back where she wants me and now she can return back to who she really is
- I feel like if I try and tell her I want to leave she will start throwing my things about and being abusive
- I feel like she is never going to change and that I have given her all the chances that I have in me
- I feel like if I leave, I'm going to have to leave without her knowing to avoid any confrontation
- I'm financially independent so surviving isn't a problem but I feel I should secure rental accommodation before making any moves
- I'm slightly intimidated by divorce
- As she has used my daughter against me before, she will do again and this is something that is hard to deal with for me
I just can not believe I have put myself in this situation again, I can even recall last year at approximately the same time I was calling the police out becuase she had been drinking and came back kicking off with me, this just can not go on!!
Is she an alcoholic - it does sound like it to me, or at least heading that way. My personal opinion is that you have tried, so you won't spend the rest of your life wondering whether you should have done so. If she wants to continue with the marriage, then I would say that you both need to go to counselling, eg Relate, to thrash out the ground rules with someone independent, and she need to get to grips with her drinking.
If it doesn't work out, then we can try to help you through the process.