Hi, I’m new here and was guided here by a friend. I’m looking and hoping for some advice. As honest as possible please?
To give a background. I am the non resident parent and our child is 10. Split with mom when LO was newborn. I hit a rocky patch and mom limited contact due to safe guarding concerns with my mental health, I was homeless and unemployed and drinking quite heavily. I got myself on track, good job, married, settled and have been ok for 8 years. Mom wouldn’t allow unsupervised access as didn’t trust me so we went to court and I proved I had turned my life around and we got a court order for unsupervised access and fortnightly weekend stays. this was 8 years ago. Since then our son has refused to stay over, since he was young and still now, he refuses to stay over and always wants to go back to his mom. To be fair on her she has tried to support and encourage it but he just won’t stay over.
Our son is very attached to his mom, and sometimes I think it’s an attachment issue. In my opinion she is too soft with him, and could probably do a bit more. Our weekly contact is ok but as he’s getting older our relationship seems to be distancing and I have concerns with his behaviour. On a few occasions he’s been challenging which has resulted in some confrontation where I have shouted and swore in temper which unfortunately was reported back to mom. I have tried to speak to his mom and she is reporting back that she has no concerns with his behaviour at home school or with peers and pointing that he only acts out when he’s with me. I’ve said to her that I wish to enforce the court order and now our son is older that he should be made to stick to the routine which was ordered originally and start spending weekends overnight with me as I believe at his age now he is age appropriate to understand that he needs to spend quality time with his dad. I personally think once he’s had a few weeks he will settle and be used to staying, he’s now refusing any contact with me whatsoever and it’s caused a breakdown in the relationship with his mom, she’s saying to me that she will only encourage him to see me but won’t force him.
mom provides well for him. My only concern with her is that she is maybe a little too soft with him and could probably be a bit more firmer with him.
So I’m looking for some honest advice here doesn’t matter how brutal. I know I have made mistakes, it cost me a lot of money back then to go to court, if I go back to court now what’s the reality of the situation with moms position and sons wishes. Do I just leave it until he’s ready or do I try to force it?
Hi,
I think it would be a bad idea to try force him to stay over. I have been helping another dad and the courts have not taken a firm stance on this(10 year old child involved also).
They advised that child is free to decide, and can return to Mother if they don't want to stay overnight. From age 10 onwards generally, the childs wishes and feelings start to carry more weight in court.
@bill337 thank you for your reply, I think that’s what deep down I feel the view will be in court, especially as he is quite mature for his age aswell. I feel that if I don’t take some sort of action now I run the risk of losing him altogether.
Due to the breakdown of the relationship with his mom now, she’s told me this morning to take her back to court as she is not prepared to do anything else other than offer words of encouragement. I have suggested him not having his mobile phone during contact so he can’t contact his mom to come home and allow him time to settle without distraction and she’s refused.
Hi Desib78, welcome to the forum!
I am sorry to hear that your son doesn't want to stay over with you, and can understand why you might wish this to be happening. It is clear that your son is important to you, and your commitment to building your relationship with him is also very clear. It is also so encouraging to hear that have made so much progress since your rocky patch.
I would, however, echo Bill337's advice of trying to be patient and not forcing the issue of your son staying over just now. It won't necessarily feel easy or fair, but if you can keep your focus on making the most of the time that you do have together, I think you are more likely to have success in maintaining and building your relationship with your son in the longer term. He is still quite young, and it is not unusual for children of this age to be quite attached to Mum, even if they are with both parents all the time.
Have you been able to ask him what he would like to do when you are together? If not, maybe try asking him. It doesn't have to be complicated or expensive, and you could maybe give him a few options to choose from, but by trying to have some one-to-one time doing something which he has chosen, giving him your full attention throughout, will hopefully (slowly but surely!) demonstrate to him that this time is special and important to you.
Don't be afraid to tell your son how much you love him, and how you enjoy spending time with him. And if there's ever an opportunity to praise him or encourage him even for little things (maybe, for example, for going back to school happily after the holidays, or for being patient if you had to wait for your food in a cafe) then take it! If he has a mobile phone, why not send him an occasional message (you may well already be doing this) asking how he is doing or telling him you are thinking of him, but try not to expect or insist on a response.
You may need to take a deep breath and explain to Mum how you are trying to move things forward, and let her know that you appreciate any encouragement she can give your son when he is coming to spend time with you.
Your son is very fortunate that he has a committed Dad like you. Please do keep going. I wish you every success going forward and I hope that over time your son will continue to enjoy spending time with you, even choosing to stay over when he feels ready.
Do keep in touch with this forum and with Dad.info
best regards
Spurgeon's Parent Support Worker
