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I have been having issues for a long time with clothes that my ex wife sends my sons down in, so I went and bought clothes for them to be in when they are with me. All I have asked is that she sends down a set of clothes for them to go home in.
Over the last few months we have had arguements as the clothes she is sending are to small or have ingrained dirt in them. My 10yr old son came down last month with short/bathers to wear aged 7/8!!! Clearly to small. I have brought this up on a few occasions and she admitted sending them to me in rags as she didnt want any to go missing!!! Things (slighly) improved after I said that I would stop money each month to clothe the boys myself if she didnt make sure they were clean and appropriate sizes.
Last weekend one came down with new trainers which were clearly too big, a dirty coat and the other had dirty trousers. I approched her when I took them back and she as usual had a go and said they werent. She text me all the way home, until it got to a point where I said it was enough and I would now stop the money I said I would (£100 - she gets £550 a month) and she can tell me if they need anything and I will get it or I will buy them the clothes, put away any money left over and then when they need expensive stuff the money is there for them.
I feel that she is not dressing my sons appropriately (clean & fitting clothes & shoes), she is begging me not to do it as she needs the money - but admits thats some of the clothes are wrong sizes and ill fitting etc.
What really concerns me is the boys think its normal to have these type of clothes, and as their father I feel I should make a stand and say no, its isnt. I dont want them going into adult life/family of their own and thinking it is ok to put on wrong size clothes/shoes or go anywhere with dirty clothes.
I know maintenance is for everyting to help with the boys heating/roof over their heads etc but also clothes.
What is the legal stance on this or any help or advice please.
Hi There,
The legal stance is that you pay your childrens mother the specified CSA calculated by them, you can work this out by using the csa calculator on line.
what your ex spends the money on is up to her, you can't specify that you want it spent on clothes or anything else.
Darren
Hi Darren
Many thanks for the info.
I pay what the CSA calculator says every month with out fail and travel 2 3/4 hrs everyother weekend to see/collect my boys.
So if I have no rights on them wearing clothes that fit, she can put them in what ever and theres nothing I can do about it??
Hi There,
As mad as it sounds yes, you are not able to tell her what to spend the money on. All you can do is as you have get them clothes for while they are with you.
Darren
Hi there,
I can sympathise with your situation as the same thing happened with my grandson....He would be sent with dirty, small and inadequate clothes and shoes. We would buy him new replacements and send them home with him and never see them again. In the end, we had no choice but to buy him clothes and keep them with us, ready for his visits/weekend stays. Its not ideal but its whats called making the best of a bad situation I'm afraid.
I agree totally with nannyJane's solution, it's the best you can do in the circumstances
Hi, many thanks. We have already for 4 years been buying clothes for them to wear when they are with us as they were coming down in clothes with holes in, dirty and too small, and yes when they went back with them they have never been seen again!
Its just got to apoint where if she is sending them down like that what are they like every day!!!
Anyway, update on situation, we argued for a week over it, I have agreed not to stop any money and she has agreed after admitting (got the texts) that she was "making mistakes in their clothes" that she will buy them new clothes and they will be clean and tidy going out. I have told her I will not have my children going about like ragbags when there is no need for it!
She controlled everything previously but I am standing up to her and making sure I have a say, finally 🙂
Many thanks again, 🙂
Well done,thats great! You've reached agreement with your ex and hopefully that will be an end to it.
i also have this issue but now my child 4 is askign why he cant have nice clothes at home and his mums clothes are small and hurt
if i send clothes they dont come back and he never gets to wear them again i pay through csa so not much i can do cant stop money and dont want my kids walkign round looking like a dirty kid who isnt loved
what is there to do mother is still unapproachable about anything and spends all the csa on tattooo and hair appointments
...I agree its an awful situation and there just arnt any easy answers...have you tried telling her how distressing it is for your son and that he says the clothes are hurting him because they're too tight.
Do you think she does it on purpose, or do you think the clothes you send are sitting in big, unwashed piles around the home, as was the case for us. Are there any members of her family that you could talk to about it, that might be able to have a word or help with the washing.
If theres no way to resolve the situation and if money is tight, you could try Ebay there are always bundles of, good quality, hardly worn childrens clothes for sale on there, and you can pick them up for very little money....it was something I did rather than keep sending brand new and expensive clothes back just to dissappear! I picked up some real bargains! Primark is another option, their childrens clothes are very cheap and cheerful and besides top brands are meaningless to little ones!
I know its a problem and it is unfair that the maintainance isnt going where it should... I'm afraid you just have to do the best you can. Its a common theme I'm afraid.
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