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I am looking for help and advice as I do not know where to turn or what to do. Been happily married for 18 years, I work (poorly paid but always had same job as a milk man) wife as never worked but raised the children and she now gets disability due to a bad leg (she had a fall and is waiting for an insurance payment too). Our eldest son has been getting into trouble (aged 20) drink driving, selling steroids etc so I have been trying to put my foot down and wanting him to work for me or get any job but he won't. This has caused arguments because my wife has been giving him money and let's him do what he wants. The arguments have gone worse and been going on for 12 months. I go to work, come home and do some house work then go to bed, my wife will not do any cooking, any house work, she takes our youngest daughter to school (aged 10), stays out all day buying loads of thing, the house is covered in shopping bags (clothes, bags, makeup) there is no food in the house, she feeds my daughter pizza or mc Donald's, when I am not at work I make her food. But my wage only just covers mortgage and bills and my wife is supposed to buy food but won't, I have had to have a happy meal or beans on toast because that is all I can afford although she is getting quite a lot in benifits (£300 per week). Our house is worth £80000 so I have offered to pay her half if she moves out but she won't. I have been to the bank but can not get another mortgage and can not afford to rent as I am still paying this mortgage. I do not know what to do???? She physically kicks me in my back if I try to get in bed, she has broken the dishwasher on purpose, the house is a mess. PLEASE CAN ANYONE HELP
Hi and welcome.
That's an appalling situation to be in and I'm not sure what to advise, so hopefully others may have some ideas. My first thought is to go and see your GP and see what services they can recommend.
Hi Davey,
This is awful for you and my heart goes out to you....you are in a really difficult situation and I am struggling to think of anything that will help.
Do you have family that you could stay with, it would help just to get away from the situation and put a little space between the two of you...it might make her realise how bad the situation has got.
How is your daughter? Is she coping with everything, the mess in the house and the arguments must be effecting her.
I think you're going to have to start thinking about yourself here. If you can't get through to her then I think you have to consider moving out. Have you thought of asking the mortgage company if you could pay the interest only for a few months whilst you get yourself on your feet. Is the mortgage in joint names? If you left you wouldn't be liable for the bills and perhaps you can negotiate paying half of the mortgage, that would free up some capital for you to get a bedsit or small flat.
You might like to go and speak to the CAB they will be able to discuss any options and tell you what your rights are.
If you feel that your wife might be open to attending family counselling you could try Relate, although there are cost involved.
I,wish there was more that I could suggest, but the onus is on you to remove yourself from this situation....that will mean making some tough decisions. Talk to the CAB and see what they say.
Thanks, what is CAB??? Sorry I am really new to all this and feel really trapped and alone. There is no way she will pay half the mortgage, it is in my name and does not care if it payments were not paid. I refuse to argue in front of our youngest child to try to protect her the best I can.
I think my only legal right is to move out but still pay the mortgage (will I still have to pay maintenance ??)
But it really upsets me to think I have worked all my life (own milk round, so not good pay but I never go on holiday but pay for the rest of the family to go on holiday every year but I have no one to do my round if I went) but I will end up in a flat or bedsit, I can't bear it. I am 55 but our youngest is only 7 (adopted) so I am tied in for many years to come. I can not afford anything better than a flat etc in a bad area and my wife will not move out.
Sorry I tapped the submit button by accident!
I would approach your building society and talk to them about your problem with the mortgage and enquire about paying the interest only for a period of time whilst you get on your feet.
As far as maintenance is concerned, they will take your mortgage payments into account if she chooses to go through the CSA. If you google the CSA calculator it will give you a rough estimate of how much you might be expected to pay. You wouldn't be liable to pay any bills as the money she is entitled to has to cover e dry thing including clothes, school expenses etc. you won't be liable for maintenance for the 20 yr old.
If you make an appointment with the CAB they will talk you through the process of separating, it might help to have a list of questions prepared to take with you.
I understand how upsetting this must be for you, you've worked hard for your family with little to show at the end of it. But you know once you start doing something to change the awful situation you're in you will begin to feel better about things.
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