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Hi, Help please ?
Shared residence order last week for both children- one child contact 4 nights mum 3 nights me- other child 4 nights me three nights mum (this recommended by cafcass because of mums emotional abuse of my son- who wants to live with me). In court however the Mum insisted on child with me four nights (son) have an extra two days at a weekend once a month on top of her 3 nights weekly. I know that child does not want this-but I did not wish to appear obstructive and agreed to facilitate this 'if the child wishes it' (he will not). Mother has now attempted to use this 'voluntary contact' to gain financial advantage. Should something that is voluntary have been court ordered? My concern is that should my son not wish to go to her for these two days, she will claim breach of the order? She will do this as with one child each there is no maintenance. She earns more than me but maintenance is part of her continued harassment of me. Should I ask for the voluntary weekend to be removed and ask for the 4/3 contact as recommended by cafcass? Am really worried as is now going to put my son under a great deal of pressure. She is already bullying him about it. He says he only agreed he would spend this time with her 'to stop her crying', and then said 'she just wants the money, not me'. He feels this as she has told him that she will be 'very disappointed in him ' if he does not avail himself of these two days a month (which do take her over the magical 175 nights a year if he takes them, meaning she can get a small amount of money out of me). I am fine for money, so giving her 70 quid a month or so is no great shakes..it is the thought of my son having to spend more time with his vindictive mother just so she can maintain some twisted connection to me.
Many thanks in advance.
...am I reading this correctly, the children are being split up so that you can have a child each on a 4/3 3/4 split?
As far as maintenance is concerned, having a child each doesn't negate paying maintenance, as maintenance is worked out on salary and she earns more than you she would be liable to pay more. You would both claim maintenance for one child and then the amount you each pay would be a percentage of your respective salaries.
Who claims the child benefit? Do you each claim for one child?
Hi Thanks for replying
Children are split as mum has been bullying son. He refused to return to her in June and she made an ex parte claim for sole residence, I countered for shared residence . Both kids described her as moody and unpredictable, but son actually alleged emotional abuse. Cafcass interviews with children stated son to live with me 4 nights mum 3 (son just told me yesterday that he told her he wanted to see his mum once a month for a weekend but she said he 'had to maintain a relationship with his mum'). Daughter also described living with Mum as problematic and cafcass recommended 4 nights Mum 3 me but with flexibility for daughter to choose where she wants be (ie if mother continues or deteriorates Daughter can stay with me more. Cafcass recommended shared residence, court granted it.
She earns more than me but I do not want her money. I want a clean break as she uses demands for money as an extension of the psychological abuse that ended our marriage. I want as little contact with her as is humanly possible as she is a deeply toxic individual. I have sent in a claim for child benefit for my boy (she refused to supply his birth cert so I guess she will be fighting that one too). She contacted CSA 10 mins after we left court to claim that she would be having my son for 180 nights per year, neglecting to tell them that 156 nights were 'ordered' and 24 nights are 'voluntary' (which my son is both adamant that he will not do, but is terrified of her response when he comes to refuse it ). CSA rang me next day and told me. They want to see court order and how it is worded before they decide.
It is clear my son does NOT want this extra contact and has agreed it under duress. I feel bad because I feel I have not protected him, I should have insisted we stuck to cafcass recommendations of 4/3 with him. I was thrown by the court asking me to argue it out with her as spent 16 years agreeing with her to stop her screaming at everyone. I managed to make it "one extra two days every four weeks at the wishes of xxxxx'.......but this has backfired as she now just has to bully him into coming. Court was a week ago and he was on the phone in tears an hour ago asking to come to my house with her shouting in the background.
Can I change this order? the paper copy hasn't even arrived yet? I should have stuck to my guns.... 🙁
The fact that she said 180 days instead of 156 days actually doesn't make a difference - the CSA work in multiples of 52 days, and since 180 days is still less than 50% of the year (only just, but by enough), then it doesn't affect the calculation. I know you say you don't want the money, but she WILL claim from you, so let the CSA do their work and you can always put the money into savings for their future.
I think if you went back to court just now to vary the order, the court wouldn't think you'd given it a chance. What you can do is to stick to the 156 days and if your ex doesn't like it, she can always try taking you back to court for enforcement, at which point you could try asking the court to reduce contact as that is what your son wants - with him being 13 (and possibly 14 by the time it goes back to court), his opinion will hold some weight in court.
At 13 your sons wishes should be respected.
I agree with actd about the maintenance situation and also about sticking to the 156 days and let her take it back to court.
Here's a link to the NYAS website, they might be able to advise and support your son...but at the very least he can talk to them about his wishes and feelings and see if there's a way forward.
The one consolation is that your son is rapidly getting to the age where he will soon be able to put his foot down and just say no! His mother should back off or in the long run she could lose him altogether, someone needs to make her aware of the damage she is doing to her long term relationship with him by bullying him and making him so unhappy.
www.nyas.net/
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