Hi all,
I have never written a post on a forum before, especially one where I am asking for help and support. Anyway...
I have two brilliant sons, one is 2 and a half and the other turns 1 in December. My main concern is that I have really struggled to bond with my second one. I clearly love him but have just struggled to make the same connection as with my first. I think what has caused the problem is a desire for a girl - mainly from my family, but also from me. We have very few in our family and I feel that we have possibly let them down.
My brother also has a son and has another baby due in January and I have a terrible jealousy towards him that he may end up having a girl and that will just exacerbate my own issues.
I know this all sounds terribly selfish, especially to those who cant have children - but I just wanted to see if anyone else has had similar problems and if so did the bond develop with their other children over time?
thank you
Good morning and welcome to the forum
It doesn't sound selfish, you can't help how you feel and it does sound like there are external factors that are affecting your ability to bond. Many parents, both mums and dads can struggle to bond with their children, it really isn't uncommon, they are human emotions.
I'm sure some of our other members will comment and share their experiences with you. In the mean time, do you ever spend any one to one time with your youngest? This might help strengthen a bond between the two of you? The arrival of a second child can take some getting used to, you really are not alone.
Hi There,
,
As Yoda has said it's not selfish, you feel the way that you do for a reason.
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I know when my ex was pregnant we both desperately wanted a girl, when we had the scan and were told it was going to be a boy, we were both so dissapointed, I did get over it but my ex struggled to start with, that is different as she did get over that quicker, breast feeding and being with my son for the first 6 months every day helped.
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As Yoda has said some one on one time with your youngest may help, or things could improve as he gets older, you have an older child that will have his own charictor, at 1 year old your youngest at this point is still developing, as he grows I'm sure things will improve.
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GTTS
...I can only agree with what has been said already, try not to be so hard on yourself, it really isn't your fault and carrying guilt and blame around will only make it harder to get back on track.
Have you managed to talk to your family about how you are feeling? I'm sure they probably didn't realise the impact their desire for a girl in the family had on you, and perhaps talking about it will give them the opportunity to reassure you that your youngest is a gift and the fact that he is healthy and happy is really all that matters to them.
Each child is an individual and as your youngest grows and develops his own personality your bond will grow, just be patient with yourself and cut yourself some slack.
The fact that you had two children in quick succession does have a bearing too, you had only just got your oldest childs routines established and sleeping through and then the second arrives and it starts all over again. Tiredness is a factor and one that can effect how we view things and how we cope day to day....without even noticing this could have an influence your ability to cope.
As well as trying to find some one to one time with your little one, try and find some time for yourself too... If you can do that it might help you to get a better perspective on your feelings.
Men can suffer from post natal depression too and this might be something that you can relate to.... You have recognised that you need support and that's the first step, if you continue to feel low it might be a good idea to have a chat with your GP.
http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/da d's-and-depression.html#.VO4IoBEgGK0
Bottom line, what you are feeling is more common than you think, the trouble is often that men just don't talk about it, so it's really good that you have come here to talk.... that takes courage and leads me to believe that you will crack this and be able to move forward. π
All of the points made thus far are really valuable, not least the point about not being too hard on yourself.
I have two children separated by 2 years. When the second child arrived the impact was arguably more profound than the first: we were more tired than with the first; people were less willing to support, for whatever reason; our financial situation became harder, leading to more stress; time became yet more compressed than before; did I mention how tired we were!!
All of those factors combined to make daily life quite a challenge and the result of that was that I didn't bond with my second child as I had with the first. Many of these factors remained during the first two years, but since then I've developed a great relationship with my second child, one that is entirely equal but also entirely unique from my relationship with my eldest.
One thing that helped massively for me was to go cycling with my youngest as soon as they were able to hold their head up. This gave me one-to-one time with them, got me out and being physically active which made me feel better, gave my partner time with the eldest which had become a rarity because of the needs of the youngest and get me caring for the youngest away from my partner.
Well done for seeking some support. It would be great to hear what is working for you and how.