hi there,
names shane
i am a newby to the forum and would very much like peoples support and advice.
I have recently started dating a friend of mine who i met whilst she was pregnant, due to a great deal of immaturity on my behalf it took until the final days of the due date for me to actually get the courage to eventually ask her out, obviously the idea of raising another mans child was very daunting to me until i finally decided my feeling for her were to strong too ignore and it was about time i took on some responsibility. we both love each other very much but unfortunately we haven't stopped arguing recently, understandably there is a great deal of stress she is going through with the baby and it has caused a rift in our relationship. the problem for me is from the first moment i held her (shes now a month and a week old) in my arms i was in love unlike anything i had ever felt, although i am not the father i have grown a bond with her as if she were my own child and now with me and my partner taking a break its killing me not being able to see her and missing out on all the little things like the fact she apparently smiles now and i haven't been able to see that for myself, i have no rights as a hypothetical father to ask to see her so i have no choice but to wait until my partner is ready to see me again. i have no friends to talk to about this that would understand the situation or the pain its causing me so just to be able to discuss with others may help me in some way 🙁 .
thank you for reading
Hi there,
Firstly I have removed the childs name from your post, it's best to keep personal details out of your posts as it's a public forum and if her mother stumbled accross it it could cuase you more issues.
This must be really tough, even though she isn't your daughter you still have a bond with her, you are going to need to talk things through with her mother and see if you can work things out, don't apply too much pressure to her as you will push her away, remember she is in an emotional state at the moment as it's still early days after the brith, so allow things to settle before trying to talk.
You could start with a gentle txt, asking how she is, saying there is no pressure to talk but that you miss "HER", the mother needs to feel just as loved at the moment, if you only talk about missing the child I would imagine that you will be on the back foot, ask about the child, but focus on mum for the moment. I know that sometimes after the birth of a child, mum can become invisible to people, they walk up and look straight at the baby and talk about sleep, feeding ect but don't always ask how mum is.
GTTS
thank you GTTS for you're supporting words, we have made contact with echother in the last few days so im beginning to feel alot more hopeful. As you said i have given her space to reach out to me first and because of that we have arranged to meet this weekend ( its her first mothers-day, i couldn't let her go without a card and flowers) which i am really excited about and we spoke on the phone for about an hour this morning. hopefully its a stepping stone to us working things out. its difficult at the moment because shes under alot of stress for other reasons and i obviously want to support her through all of that but im worried that ill end up causing more stress for her, shes not one to ask for support even when she needs it and i dont want to seem intrusive if i keep on reminding her that im there for her. thank you again for the advise and support, it seems to have made a difference already, patience now will be my biggest friend.
Thank you mojo. The two of them have really changed my life for the better, i never thought i could be responsible beforr lol i just hope everything works out
There's so much more to being a Dad than the "biological" side of it. It sounds like you are prepared to put the work in to make it work!
Im about as prepared as any dad haha but seriously yeh i am trying ive already started looking into a career change so i can provide the finacial support, started up a savings acount and even considered sellin my beloved car to get something more family friendly
Hi There,
This is great that things are slowly moving forward, What I would say though is don't get ahead of yourself, making a career change is great as that will be a good move what ever the future holds, but keep hold of your car for now, if things start to work out then you can look at changing it then. You have to think of yourself whilst also thinking of them, changing your car is a lovely thought, but if things don't go as you want them too, you will then look back and regret selling it for something family friendly, I know this from another member that did exactly the same thing, he had a car he loved and changed for something else that would fit them in easily but then things didn't work and he felt bitter that he had sold a car he loved.
As Mojo has said keep doing what you are doing as it seems to be working just don't get carried away and start to push too hard, be there for her and let her know that you are, but give her the space she also needs.
GTTS
It's great to know that you got back in touch! How are you doing now? I can assume that your girlfriend was extremely happy to receive card and flowers from you on that mother's day! As for the car - it's only up to you to decide, whether you want to sell it or not.