Hi all and thank you to anyone reading,
I'm 25 years old, I have a 17 month old son and he is the most important person to me in my life.
His mother (38 years old, it's her birthday today in fact) and I have been together for almost 5 years, she has two children from her previous marriage (14 year old daughter and 10 year old son) - in the time we've been together, we've had issues from her daughter which have gotten easier over time - her daughter no longer lives with us, she left to go and live with her father back in August 2014 because she and her mum weren't getting along - their relationship is a lot better now, though I still get the brunt of her being rude and disrespectful to me even though I make the effort with her. I, to this day, get blamed for her daughter leaving all because I gave her advice that 'as long as she lives in this house, she shouldn't make problems and cause arguments'.
Her son, the 10 year old, has been a very different child since my son was born and has done nothing but cause grief, to the point where it makes me and my partner argue. It's gotten so bad to the point where she doesn't want to be with me, she accuses me of hating her son, she accuses me of being the reason that her daughter left home. She accuses me of criticising everything her son does and she doesn't realise that all I'm trying to do is educate him and be a dad to him (for a long time his own father didn't bother with him - since the start of this year, his father has been more attentive and I feel like I've been shelved because the boy acts in a way that he doesn't need or want me anymore).
He doesn't listen or do as he's told. He's disrespectful and rude, even to his own mother.
I'm not a hateful person, I don't hate people, I get frustrated and angry towards situations that I can't control or change.
When we argue, I get so frustrated and angry that I scream and shout, break things, grab her - I don't like this, I don't want to be like this.
The main point of this post is simply that she doesn't want me here anymore and she tells me that I'm not taking our son with me. I tell her that I won't leave him here, if I go, I'll take him with me.
What are my rights? I'm a first time father, he's my first born and despite all the problems I've had with his mother and her two older children:
- I don't want to go
- I don't want it to end between me and his mother
- If I do go, I want to take him with me
- I don't want to be reduced to being a part-time father
Last thing I will say, it's very difficult being a step-parent.
Again, thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate any advice given.
Hi there
Being a step parent can be fraught with difficulties and I can understand how you are feeling.
From what you've said I do think you have anger issues, screaming, shouting, breaking things and most worryingly grabbing her won't have helped the situation you now find yourself in. Have you sought help professionally with this?
If you don't want your relationship to end then I think you will need to show her that you are serious about changing things. Perhaps you could suggest you both try Relate, here's a link to their website
www.relate.org.uk
They are very experienced in helping couples and families in difficulty.
It might help to have a word with your GP about anger management...taking practical steps to address these problems might help to show your partner that you want to make things right.
Best of luck
Hi Mojo,
Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to respond and offer help and advice.
I haven't actually sought professional help, I'm a very busy person and don't have the time to visit the GP even if I'm not feeling well.
With that aside, I do think seeking professional help would be good. I have considered it before because I don't want to be an angry person.
I had counselling when I was 12, because I was angry at that time - I got into fights at school e.t.c. (it was when my mother had left to live in East London with her new boyfriend - my parents split when I was 5, so I had a lot of issues growing up).
In retrospect, maybe I have a lot of issues built up that I've never solved. Or perhaps I've ignored issues just to get by. I don't know.
...that's what counselling is for, to help you explore the reasons why you react in a certain way and to offer you strategies to adjust your behaviour.
I think it begins with admitting there's a problem....that's the first step to fixing it. Open up to your partner and convince her you want to change and hopefully you can steer a course through the storm together.
Your GP can refer you for anger management, once you start talking about it you may find that things will start to improve, and if your partner can see the effort you are making to address this I hope she will come round.
Best of luck
Thanks Mojo.
I think things will get easier. Taking a step back seems to be good in de-stressing myself and not being pulled into childish arguments.
I've been able to reflect this morning by observing the relationship between her two children (her daughter and older son) and I've realised that perhaps I've acted in a childish way and not acted like the mature adults that I am/should be at my age.
I've allowed myself to be pulled into arguments with her children in the past and this has caused grief as well. So no wonder they've come to resent me. Maybe I've been too honest with them in the past (I can be quite brutal). Also, allowing them to be children is important, I see that now.
I've realised that my energies should be better used in observing rather than getting involved in disputes and only offer my opinion in times it's asked.
I need to loosen up and allow them to find their own ways rather than dictating how they should be. I have admitted in the past to having high expectations of them, but that's only because I look at their mum and how amazing she is, that I've always expected them to be the same.
It's clear to me that I've done the wrong things, unintentionally, when I thought that I was doing right. It's a weird one really and I would put it down to not having much experience with children prior to being with my partner. I didn't have younger siblings and I didn't grow up around my younger cousins.
Mojo, once again, thank you for your time. In this short forum, you've really helped me to think about myself and how I have behaved.
I think writing on this forum has helped and I should do this every so often to seek advice on being a step-parent. As we established, being a step-parent is difficult and in retrospect, I haven't had the support I've needed until now. Thank you.
Hi there
Well done grafix89, I can see how hard you want to put things right and the tone of your last post shows how hard you are trying. With this attitude you should find the process of healing easier to navigate.
I am in a relationship with a man who is 14 years younger than me, he was 21 when we met and he took on my two children who were 6 and 7 so I can understand the dynamics of your situation. Reading what you have said has rang true with me, my partner is a pretty laid back guy and he only ever stepped in when he had to....my children are 30 and 31 now and love the bones of him....don't get me wrong, there have been some hairy times, especially when they were teenagers and naturally rebelling.
Stepping back and becoming an observer is the right way to go, be there for them and pick up the pieces when things go wrong and in time you will reap the rewards.
You are only 25, still very young to take on such responsibility, I think your partner needs to acknowledge that, so there are insights for you both to learn and if you can build on it together then you will last the course I'm sure.
I really hope you can sort it out with your partner, we are here to listen and to help where we can.
Thanks NannyJane. Your reply really does help, it's refreshing to see that there are other couple likes ours.
Well, I too was 21 when we got together, she was 33 and her children were 6 and 10. Her daughter always resented me as she thought I was trying to replace her father (she admitted to this back in August when she left to live with her dad).
I really do want things to work out and I will continue to step back and observe.
Did you and your partner then have children together?
...the difference between our situations is that their father left when they were babies and they didn't have a relationship with him...still don't. I guess that made it easier for my partner to integrate....but as I said, there were still difficulties, it's no easy task being a step parent and children can be very hurtful, my partner has been told...you're not my Dad! .... You can't tell me what to do! I always made a point not to take either side when that happened and I tried to help my partner not to take those kind of outbursts to heart...successful step parenting takes both of you to work together and set guidleines and boundaries...and stick to them.
We didnt go on to have a child ourselves... I would have been agreeable to that, but he never wanted children of his own. I guess that would also have made it easier, less conflict of interest!
You and your partner need to nurture your relationship apart from the children. It's scary being the older woman and many doubts can creep in so it's important to show reassurance and remember what you love about one another.
Thank you so much. This is what I remind myself of as well. The reasons why I love her and why I want to be with her.
We have a baby together and I don't want him going through the same issues I did when I was growing up.
I want to do the best for my son and I now realise that it means making sure I have a good relationship with his older brother and sister.
It's funny, but sometimes we don't realise important things until times like this when we could lose everything. Humans are pretty stupid creatures aren't they?
Let's see how it goes, I know what I need to do now.
Thanks NannyJane, Thanks Mojo.