Hi All,
Hopefully I've posted this in the right part of forum 🙂
Well basically my situation to summarise is that I have a little boy, that's nearly two now and through efforts on my part (mediation) I am now seeing him usually once a week on a set day, as agreed from mediation. Previously I was not even made aware I had a son?!?!? However it's been over a year and a half since that was agreed and I would now like my son to be able to sleep over at mine.
The complication is that he also has two others older siblings from previous relationships and the Mother dislikes i when they are split up. The other complication is that the Mother and Grandmother have been his primary carers since birth.Therefore he already has two homes Mummy's, Granny's and therefore a third...Daddy's kinda complicates routines etc.
So my question...what is the best way to progress towards him sleeping over at mine? At present she says she wants to wait until he can communicate more for himself and ask if he would like to sleep over at Daddy's. God knows when he will be able to fully comprehend the question and give an informed answer...also he has knowingl/unkowingly been conditioned to be most comfortable with what he is already most familiar with i.e. sleeping at Mummy's or Granny's...therefore he might be reluctant to try sleeping at Daddy's.
Alternatively this could go really well and he replies 'yeah'. If so, then my next question...should I be encouraging his Mother to ask him daily if he wants to see his Daddy....and if he replies 'yeah' she should respect his wishes and make me aware he would like to see me?? Deep down I know she secretly doesn't want him to enjoy being away from her due to her own separation anxiety, that I have already had to master over the last two years by only being able to see him for less than 10% of his life to date.
thanks in advance for any responses and advice
...children are resilient and adaptable , my own Grandson sleeps here, at Mummies, at his other grandparents and he used to stay at his Daddies. ( his Dad has found himself a new family and has stopped contacting my daughter...but he did used to sleepover there)
The fact that there are two other half siblings really shouldn't alter progressing contact. The modern family dynamic makes this quite common, with children from the same family going off with their respective fathers.
It's up to you to prepare him really, it would help if he has his own bedroom which you could introduce him to and get him to help with getting some toys that he's picked himself and encourage him by talking about coming for a sleepover and talking about fun things that you can do...get some books that you can read to him and some pictures for the walls.
I don't think you should expect the mother to ask him daily, it should be a gentle introduction and encouragement over a period of time so that he is prepared for it mentally and emotionally.
Hi Mojo,
Thanks for replying and some very sensible advice given. I have a one bed flat and my son would be sharing my bedroom with me, poss with his own bed once the time is right. However that can still work as that's what he already has as his Mum's house. In fact I have already discussed getting the same mattress in case that helps for a more restful nights sleep.
Reason I mention his Mum regularly checking his wants is due to the fact I am expected to wait until he can better communicate and then respect his wishes, should he decide he does not want to sleep over at mine.
However that same train of thought should be applied to access...as in if he regularly tries to communicate he does want to see his Dad more frequently such as days other than our current specified week day, his Mother should respect his wishes.
I largely suspect even if this was the case and he was trying to communicate he wanted to see me more often, I would not be made aware of this fact. Which would seem unfair...from his best interest of course.
I could be proved totally wrong, but due to bad (manipulative) experiences with his Mother I suspect her wants and wishes would supersede his own. Combined with subtle discouragement for him to want something different to what she wants for herself and her family. 👿
That would be out of my control though.
Hi There,
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It does sound to me like you are being fobbed off a bit by your ex, saying it needs to wait until your son can tell her he wants too stay with you is just leaving things very open, and as you say it will be down to your ex to intiurpret what your son is saying and then actually relay that to you.
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I think if you could trust that she isn't string you along (and only you know how she is and likely to be) than doing things that way would be a good way to keep everythig in a friendly manner and hopefully would mean no issues in the future for contact ect as you have kept everything amicable.
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If you think deep down that she is just stringing you along then I would suggest you try mediation so you can try and work out some sort of arrangement now for your son to stay, as you say he sleeps in his mums room now I can't see that being an issue though she may try and make it one, so maybe be ready to say tthat he will have your bed while you sleep on the sofa when he is there.
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GTTS