Hi guys, as most of you know, I only joined 6 months ago having been thrust into this situation and have had to really battle to get to the point where I have regular contact with my son. I'm sure i'm not alone and that the approaching festive period has a lot of us sick to the pit of our stomach. I am so dreading it. I have visions of waking on xmas morning and having my 1st cry of many on the day.
I have a bit to go through between now and then it is possible that xmas arrangements shall either be agreed or ordered via the court prior to xmas. I am dreading not just the day but the build up.
Having a conversation with my ex is not possible, she simply wont agree anything amicably. Getting out and about is the normal advice but I find no matter what I try my mind is constantly on my troubles seeing my son. Exercise is meant to be therapeutic but I find even sometimes that doesn't work for me and can exercise really vigorously yet still be thinking of the situation.
There will be plenty social occasions to get involved pre xmas but I really cant win. If I attend and don't drink, there is no chance of my mind switching off and ill probably get upset internally and go home early to dwell more yet even if I go out and have a little drink, my mind will switch off to some degree but the anxiety will return with a vengeance the next day.
How have you guys coped with this situation? I know theres no answer really just praying there might me a tiny bit of advice that might help me through. If I Get an arrangement defined by the court where I see him after xmas, I can just about cope. Minus any festive visits I have no idea what I will be like, I dread to think.
Exactly the same is on my mind mate and I don't have an answer it's absolutely dreadful I can relate to every single word you have just said, I suppose I will have to just get on with it and get through the day as I have done all the way through this nightmare, I suppose at the end of the day it's not as bad as missing all the scans, finding out the [censored] of my baby through face book, not been allowed at the birth, not seeing my baby for the first 5 weeks of her life then been stopped from seeing her for 10 months, I've managed to get through that and kick a 20 year weed habit whilst fighting like a dog through the court I'm dreading xmas but I know I will have to just get over it and deal with it theres no other way.
I'm planning to spend the day with a good friend and going to see my family to take my mind off things although I'm going to ask the court to see if anything can be put in place it all just sucks so frustrating .
It sounds completely cr4p but you just have to takee it one day at a time.
Like some on here I had a tough time coping and sometimes still do, 19 months now since we seperated.
I think my best advice is to try and build new routines and stick to them. Easy advice to give I know.
Last year I busied myself preparing Christmas and on Christmas Eve put everything out like I always did. I guess I was lucky that I did see them Christmas afternoon.
This year it looks like Im not going to see them until Boxing day. Better than most situations I know.
Just keep busy, build your new routines and do go out and meet people. ( Again easier said than done, Ive started gaming on the xbox which makes me feel a bit of sad geek as I never did this before but it does help.
Regards,
Dave
It does seem to be a case of actually getting through that day once it's over then you will feel better and you've got to keep telling yourself that you will have good contact in the future so this is just a drop in the ocean in the general scheme of things, I missed out on my daughter birthday her and her sisters joint birthday and her sisters birthday last week it was [censored] leading up to it but I don't feel to bad now as I get to see my girl next week we're off back to court to get weelkly contact and I have a chance to fight for her sister so that keeps me going you've always got to focus on the end result.
The fact alone, that you feel this way is amazing and I applaud you! I am not a Dad, I am son who adores his dad with every breath, and I came here to try and find out why he is rather distant towards me sometimes, after I do everything for him. I just wish my Dad had the same fire in his stomach as you when he split from my mum. It will be a great feeling for you when you are reunited, which will happen.
thanks guys and if the words were meant for me Lemon pudding, they brought a tear to my eye, thank you. I survived. Things evolved beyond the 1st post stage of this. I had the joy of spending 5 days at my home with my little boy, who I adore.
Normally at this point, Id be inconsolable after him going away today but I was so happy that during his 1st prolonged stay since separation, he was so comfortable and again expressed the wish to stay longer and wanted reassurance that I would see him soon which of course I gave him.
I have seen your posts LP about your dad. My Dad loves me I know that but similarly to you, he wouldn't tell me that very often. he computes his love through being interested in my life, coming to the football with me, being social with my friends etc. I accept that readily as I think his father was pretty prehistoric in his drinking, views on women etc. I give my dad credit for despite that, he is a fantastic dad to me and I accept that he cant readily show emotion very easily and rather than blame him for that, I give him credit for the fact that he has been a much better dad to me than his dad ever was to him. I do know that he is proud of me and I know he has been utterly devastated as he watched me fall apart and the pain I endured not seeing my boy for a while and on a personal level the pain he went through for not seeing the little lad he cherishes so much.
I think its a case of a previous harshness perhaps typified in previous generations, through no fault of theirs, it was a tough time for folk a long time ago and some folks upbringings make it difficult to then become the cuddly daddy that perhaps they never witnessed themselves.
I think I will be the dad to dilute the generational harshness further. I make a point of telling my son how much I love him all the time, probably to much if truth be told and in turn he now tells me he loves me very often to and still being in the infancy of my separation, it brings a tear sometimes.
Over time, when hes older, telling him so regularly would probably be a bit odd lol and im sure in his teenage years he doesn't want soppy dad cramping his style every 5 minutes. One thing I do know though is that his life will never be punctuated by massive gaps of me not telling him often enough for him to know, even if it is just a simple, 'I love you' at the end of a phone call or a hug and an 'I love u' before he departs from my house. there may be a time where the awkward teenage years mean he doesn't say it back and that's fine, as long as he knows I'm proud of him and love him with all my heart.
I always wanted to be a dad, its the most rewarding thing I have ever done, no matter how much heartache I have endured in recent months. Once the pain subsides and I accept this 'normality' for what it is, I will see that despite the pain, its all about him, always has been and any emotion I have had to go through ultimately doesn't matter, its my wee boy whos the most important in all of this.
Yes, of course my words were meant for you. Again, the fact you feel like this is enough in my opinion. You can be a thousand miles apart, but for me - a dad who has such passion and longing for his son is worth more than most things in life. I think it will all be worth it in the end. You just need to hold tight and remember that no one can take him away from you, that is fact. There may be a rough process getting there, but it will all come out in the wash 🙂
I have seen your posts LP about your dad. My Dad loves me I know that but similarly to you, he wouldn't tell me that very often. he computes his love through being interested in my life, coming to the football with me, being social with my friends etc. I accept that readily as I think his father was pretty prehistoric in his drinking, views on women etc. I give my dad credit for despite that, he is a fantastic dad to me and I accept that he cant readily show emotion very easily and rather than blame him for that, I give him credit for the fact that he has been a much better dad to me than his dad ever was to him. I do know that he is proud of me and I know he has been utterly devastated as he watched me fall apart and the pain I endured not seeing my boy for a while and on a personal level the pain he went through for not seeing the little lad he cherishes so much.
I think its a case of a previous harshness perhaps typified in previous generations, through no fault of theirs, it was a tough time for folk a long time ago and some folks upbringings make it difficult to then become the cuddly daddy that perhaps they never witnessed themselves.
I think I will be the dad to dilute the generational harshness further. I make a point of telling my son how much I love him all the time, probably to much if truth be told and in turn he now tells me he loves me very often to and still being in the infancy of my separation, it brings a tear sometimes.
Over time, when hes older, telling him so regularly would probably be a bit odd lol and im sure in his teenage years he doesn't want soppy dad cramping his style every 5 minutes. One thing I do know though is that his life will never be punctuated by massive gaps of me not telling him often enough for him to know, even if it is just a simple, 'I love you' at the end of a phone call or a hug and an 'I love u' before he departs from my house. there may be a time where the awkward teenage years mean he doesn't say it back and that's fine, as long as he knows I'm proud of him and love him with all my heart.
I always wanted to be a dad, its the most rewarding thing I have ever done, no matter how much heartache I have endured in recent months. Once the pain subsides and I accept this 'normality' for what it is, I will see that despite the pain, its all about him, always has been and any emotion I have had to go through ultimately doesn't matter, its my wee boy whos the most important in all of this.
Aww thanks for you words my friend! My Dad grew up without a father from the age of 7, So like your dad, mine has done a better job already. I'm just a sensitive soul when it comes to him, don't know why. He can be a very loving dad to me sometimes, and he doesnt have to say the words - I just know. But other times he can come to see me and be quiet, awkward silences etc. And I feel he is trying to disagree with me on everything, which I don't get. I don't know if it's true or not that you lash out at the ones you are closest too, so maybe that is the case with him towards me.
One thing though, we always hug, at the start of a meeting and at the departing. So that's something I guess. Keep giving your son the hugs, I always appreciated it no matter how old I was 🙂