Hi All,
I'm after some advice or opinions if possible.
My son is 8 and he lives with his Mum and her other half. A little while ago my son told me that his mums other half is always having a go at him. I didn't do anything as I thought it might just be my lad over exaggerating or upset about something in particular.
Then there was an incident where they bought him grand theft auto to play and told him not to tell me. He told me and then when he got home they made him confess to telling me. When he confessed they snapped the game in front of him as punishment.
That was it for me, I had to say something. So I very nicely spoke to the mums other half held my cool and just made sure he knew that wasn't acceptable. I didn't want to make things worse for my lad.
I bought him a mobile for christmas it's a special one that I can limit who he can talk to and what he can do. I just took it back to change the settings on it and really the messages in the attachment. I am sitting here fuming, thinking the step dad is bullying my son and wanting to do something about it but not wanting to make it worse for my boy.
Talking to his mum is useless and in fact I think she probably tells him not to say anything to me about it.
Someone help, I'm at a loss as what is the best course of action....
It wont let me upload the screen shot but basically its a message from him to his mum saying, whenever you leave xxx always starts shouting at me
I can identify with all that you have written.
I have found very little help in this type of situation.
Invariably the suggestion is made to talk to the mother, how can you if the Ex is hostile, a narcissist when it is they who are the ones to cause the distress and / or the instigators of putting the children in these situations? Are they going to listen and act? I don't think so.
We are reasonable, responsible, loving, caring people who the children turn to for help but we are perpetually held back from saying what should be said and done for fear of making matters worse for the child/children hence those who need to be told never are and they continue with their appalling behaviour.
I for one would love to know how anyone in this situation can improve matters for the child / children without living with the anxiety of there being some kind of retribution on the child / children.
I personally find it unbearable having to hold back from righting a wrong for fear the child will brainwashed, bullied etc.
What is the answer, anyone know?
What is the answer, anyone know?
It is very difficult. In short - parents must be allowed to parent day-to-day how they see fit - even if the other parent disagrees. This includes living with partners who you may not "like" (for whatever reason) - but this is ultimately a parenting decision on the part of the ex. As long as the child is not coming to any harm (according to the welfare checklist) - there is nothing a court would do/can do.
Of course, there are certain issues regarding parenting that could involve Court attention (PSO regarding name changes, school changes, religion, etc) but these fall under infringement of parental responsibility - and the welfare checklist (as mentioned above).
Disliking a parenting style is simply not enough - and I would argue, it can be quite counter-productive for the child to be in the middle of such a tussle. A child should feel like all his important adult relationships are supported - and unless there is an extremely good reason to undermine an adults' relationship with a child, this can have a negative impact on the child (tension, animosity, leading to ex and her partner berating you in front of the child, etc, etc).
So...an adult shouting and upsetting a child is not very nice to hear about, I agree. But it is important to realise this could likely be 1 side of the story. The only thing to do in this case is to make sure the child is not coming to any harm, and then talk to your ex about how the child seems to be upset by some of her new partners actions. But this is likely to be received as "interfering" and, quite frankly, might make matters worse.
It is quite common for one or other partner to find "fault" with an ex's new partner especially in how they interact with any children. My advice is to be sure that any "grievances" are borne out of genuine concern of real harm - rather than simply a disagreement about parenting style.
Put it like this: If you punished your son by snapping a dvd in front of him - how would you feel if a stranger knocked on your door to tell you how "wrong" this is, and that you should do things differently in your house....
Hi there
I've just had a read of your previous post as I remembered you talking about the situation with the game....when you spoke to your ex's partner how did that go?
If you don't feel that you cant speak to the mother, you could perhaps speak to the school about your concerns, they could provide him with pastoral care, someone for him to talk to in confidence if things are getting too much for him.
If you can I would say speak to the mother, but not in a confrontational way. Tell her what you found on his phone and ask her what she feels about it, reassure her that you aren't making an issue out of it and that your son hasn't spoken to you about it either ....perhaps offer to increase your contact time to help out if there are tensions.
Relationships between a child and a step parent can be difficult, but at the same time if there is bullying taking place it's hard to ignore it.
Best of luck
Hi all,
Thanks v much for the responses, sometimes it helps just to have a chat about it with people who can relate or understand.
When I spoke to the new other half about the game it was fine, I did speak to him in a very non confrontational way even though I was really angry. He was receptive but lied to me about telling my boy not to tell me. He said he didn't mind my boy telling me but not anyone else which doesn't make sense with punishing my son for telling me.
It is difficult because I do feel that anything I do would make things worse for my boy. If I speak to his mum she may well accuse my boy of stirring the situation. The problem is she spends a lot of time away from the house and leaves my boy with the new partner.
I'm thinking of not saying anything as if they know I've seen the messages they might be careful about deleting them before I see it in future and I might miss something really serious.