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[Solved] Oldest child confused

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Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Hello if anyone knows my previous situations
Basically had 9 years of constant s** with my oldest child from a previous relationship because of my ex

First 4 years I was reported controlled and my daughter went back and would stir things constantly with my ex who would kick off

It caused alot problems with me and my partner

Then me and my partner had a baby and she got injured via a hospital appointment and we had to fight to get her back and prove them wrong which we did but throughout my ex reported me got involved abs tried to make me loose our baby
Obviously it almost destroyed me and my partner then I didn't see my oldest for 2 years had to fight to get her back.

Basically got her back had constant kicking off s** ect till we had our new baby then we found out my ex was reporting us constantly so we decided to separate it all I see my daughter on my own away from my family because its less risk and heartache plus me and my partner kept almost breaking up due to it.

Anyway months forward its still s** I meet her alone and she slags me off says she believes mummy on everything even if I say look at this she say she doesn't want to and she said she doesn't like me talking about mummy but doesn't care if mummy slags me off and she laughs about it says he loves mummy and I said why do you want to see me and she says I don't know.

Obviously years of the mum turning her hasn't helped but lately I've stopped caring as much and I feel like it's hassle and I don't feel close to her at all but it's like I don't want to he anymore.
I love her to bits but at the same time it's hard and I feel like I've had enough of it because of everything and my home life is so much more normal my kids love me and and I see my eldest she couldn't give a s** she laughs and says she likes me being slagged off ect

Is My thoughts of not caring as much anymore normal?

Shes 9yo and she's pretty much the mother now

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Topic starter Posted : 05/02/2021 3:33 pm
Ferfer
(@Ferfer)
Reputable Member Registered

That is a real shame, I am sorry you have to hear that from your own child. I dont know what to suggest, do you try and ask her if what your ex is saying is true? I am not sure what she is saying, but she your ex says things such as "your daddy used to hit you" or "he was mean" ask her if she thinks that is true and confirm that these things never happened.

I know parents/partners fall out but they really shouldnt be bringing this up with the kids and talking about it when you clearly want to be involved in their lives?

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Posted : 05/02/2021 5:30 pm
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Thankyou for the reply. She has had a very confusing upbringing and her mum lies an awful lot to her but because she's with her 24 7 she believes it all now even if I had proof to show her she says she doesn't want to see.
It's a very horrible situation and it's affected my mental health massively over the 9 years I spent most of it on anti depressants mainly due to the stress of it all.
Now my family life at home is the best it's been but my oldest I've lost so much fight. When she says to your face she doesn't care that I'm slagged off and that she finds it funny you get frustrated as I've fought for so long to see her and do my best andnits thrown in your face

My ex is horrible reports you jealous try to ruin your life I avoid as much contact as possible with her.
Itz all pretty s*** I hoped I could keep the bond going to she's older and she makes her own choices ect but it's getting harder and harder and I'm so detached now.

Thanks for the reply

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Topic starter Posted : 05/02/2021 5:51 pm
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi Lostinblac,

I remember your posts from months back. hope your doing ok. How often are you seeing your 9 year old child now? I think naturally when they spend majority of their time with the other parent, they will become more inclined to them, even if that parent is not manipulating them. All I can think of is whenever your child is with you, try to avoid talking about her mum as much as possible.

check out the advice from this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7AWJIS_1M4

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Posted : 05/02/2021 6:20 pm
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Hello yeah I remember you advising me alot thankyou for past advice just every other weekend she doesn't stay over anymore my ex kept reporting us again and it pushed me and my partner to breaking point and with covid we kept it separate but litrally on any chat if she tells me her mum slags me off she doesn't care but cares on anything against her. It's really frustrating when you kbow hpw the mums played such a game throughout I personally think its going this way regardless and I can't change things but my feelings towards her are becoming less and less and even though it makes me feel horrible it's just hard to really care for her when she says stuff against me and the amount of past thats been used against me. My ex even told her about our daughter being taken off us even though we didn't want her to. I know it's not her fault it's the mums who's turned her because my kids at home are completely different but it's also hard to ignore all of it

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Topic starter Posted : 05/02/2021 6:27 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

Hi Lost

When I see my kids (supported) for the day, I make sure we are doing things, activities, online gaming, reading, outdoors, lunch, etc and we do not talk about things..

The fact that she is still meeting you is a positive and some of the stuff she is saying could just be her still getting her head around things which cannot be easy.

Maybe if you plan the day, engage with her and ask if there is anything she wants to do (Covid dependent) and do that?

When weather gets better you can be outdoors. When restrictions lift could you book to go away somewhere for the day?

I think many fellow dads will say that speaking to the kids about things only causes issues especially if you raise them..

If she raises things that she wants to talk to you about then you will need to find a way of talking to her whilst keeping focused on the day you have planned.

On the other hand if she is just telling you what your ex is saying then you need to close this conversation down like it's not something that you are bothered about... You don't know if she is going home and your ex is asking her what did you say when told xyz and if you've reacted then maybe this is pleasing your ex and she is positively affirming this with your daughter who then seeks more praise by doing it again the next time you meet as your ex is goading/encouraging her to do it..

Not sure if I've made much sense but in a nutshell plan a busy day and avoid conversations about things..

All the best..

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Posted : 06/02/2021 1:36 am
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Thanks for the reply yeah it all made sense just really frustrating like yesterday I walked her back from school to her mums I walk her to the corner about 10 ft from her mums house to avoid confrontation she wasn't in so said come back down then the mum sped past me and my daughter went to the car I waved bye and left then I get a message saying what the hell you playing at you didn't walk her home you were nowhere to be seen ect ect I said get your facts right and ask our daughter I was stood there waiting for her to go in saw you drive past then went which she replys she said she thinks you were there but wasn't sure.

This shit annoys me makes you think why am I seeing her when she just doesn't care and uses everything again me

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Topic starter Posted : 06/02/2021 12:50 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

I think in that situation you just don't respond.

Some ex's just enjoy getting a reaction out of you. You are giving her what she wants. You've dropped your daughter off, you know all is ok and that's the main thing. No need to let her work you up.

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Posted : 06/02/2021 2:01 pm
actd
 actd
(@actd)
Illustrious Member

I agree - don't respond to you ex, it will only escalate and wind you up, and if you don't respond, it stops your ex having that control of she pushes a button and you jump.

With respect to your daughter constantly having a go at you, have you asked her why she still sees you if she feels that way? If she continues to wear you down, then at some point, you are going to just say enough is enough, so you either need to change the dynamics of the time you spend together, or suggest you take a break from each other so she can have a think about what she really wants - of course it's always open for her to end the break early.

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Posted : 07/02/2021 1:30 pm
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Thanks for for reply I said to her yesterday if I'm such a bad person then why do you meet me and she just shrugs its almost as if she doesn't know why she says things and why she's even seeing me
She idolises the mum now and I can put my hands up I haven't been brilliant but I've tried constantly fighting for her and honestly if I gave up from the start my life and mental health would or been so much better but I didn't. But when she says she believes mummy constantly and whatever I say even if I have proof she says she doesn't want to see it hurts you.
I also put off moving awhile back to a nicer location as its further from her and we are debating moving again as we feel with all the past we need a fresh start but even that I feel guilty on

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Topic starter Posted : 07/02/2021 3:04 pm
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi,

I think you need to just avoid talking about her mum when you see your child. if she brings it up, change the subject. There are some techniques out there for dealing with contact from ex. look up grey rock. helps build discipline.

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Posted : 07/02/2021 6:44 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

Hi Lost

The easiest thing us fathers can do is walk away. However, I would disagree with you that you and your mental health would be better. There is an innate human emotional bond and attachment to our kids. Even if you walked away you wouldnt stop thinking about her, worrying about her. Potentially this would eat away at you more than trying to start afresh and impact you more. We all love and care about our kids its why we don't walk away.

What I would say is that just reading your messages, you seem focused on trying to get her to listen to your side of things and wanting her to look through your evidence etc. At the start of your first message, you called her your oldest CHILD, you have to remember that she is a child. Concepts like different sides and certainly evidence are not important in the world of a child. Potentially if at every meet you are trying to have this conversation and also allowing things that your ex says or does get to you, then you are impacting the quality of the time spent.

Asking your daughter why she meets you, again a CHILD will not be able to give you a rational, logical, adult reason. Shrugging of the shoulders sounds about right to be fair. As we've all said,the fact that she does meet you is positive, focus on trying to build a relationship, regardless of what has happened with your ex.

If you build a strong relationship, then when she becomes an adult she may or may not want to explore what happened between you and mum. This will be your opportunity if she does and if you have a strong relationship then she may be more likely to listen to you and look at things impartially..,.

All the best,

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Posted : 07/02/2021 10:15 pm
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