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[Solved] Oldest child confused

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Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

I get what you're saying and thanks for replying
The thing is with my eldest she's 9 but she's a very grown up 9 the mum told her about sex at 8 and that's no the worst she knows about orgys everything I only found out this year and she's very very switched on because the mums basically made her be more grown up.

Did you read up at my top post about all the care proceedings me and my partner went though.? The thing that I can't shake and living in the same house is it all happend in our same area same house and having your baby taken for 9 months and winning her back being arrested in your home and at the end of it them saying sorry we made a mistake its completely ruined me and my aprtners train of thought

And throughout this my eldest made a police interview against me saying I'm this and that and then I'd see her a hour later in a contact centre.

I know she was younger ect but it hurt and it wasn't the first time she's been used against me even when we had our baby last year the social got involved because they had a report from my ex that my eldest said something.

She craves the mum beyond now and what I say is lies and lies
It's a massive load of mess really I love her I really do else I wouldn't of bothered from the start but there is such a little bond now ots so hard to have one now and at her age she doesn't really care about me anymore I get the impression she solely meets because she feels like she has to because she never enjoys it

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Topic starter Posted : 09/02/2021 11:52 am
Champagne
(@champagne)
Estimable Member

Could you benefit from some counselling? The NHS has free sessions and there is also Time to Talk which you can google. Its very sad not to make the most of your time together.

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Posted : 09/02/2021 1:41 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

I agree with Champagne that could there be some of your own things you need to deal with that may well be clouding judgement and getting some support could help you to see things differently..

No matter how grown up she may be, she is a child and vulnerable at that with what you have said re your ex.

No matter the reason she spends time with you, even if obligated, it's your opportunity to give her some sense of normality. Do things that 9 years old kids do, for you to create a loving environment, get to know her and build a bond.. Its not easy, it's not quick but it's for you to decide if that's what you want.

As everyone else has said. Keep things simple, child focused, fun and try to enjoy it.

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Posted : 10/02/2021 12:28 am
Bill337
(@bill337)
Famed Member

hi lostinblac,

my daughter will be 8 this summer. I totally understand you have had traumatic experiences. but just bear in mind your daughter is still a young child. asking her questions like why does she want to see you does seem a bit blunt and may make your daughter feel awkward and uncomfortable. she's seeing you because your her dad 🙂

I agree with others suggestions. It might be good idea to seek counselling as you have obviously been through tough times.

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Posted : 10/02/2021 2:12 am
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

It's progressed on more and more I tried to arrange meeting my daughter to my daughter she went back and the mum kicked off and basically said have this or nothing. I messaged her saying we decided this new routine then word for word I get a message from my daughter basicly what the mum arranged.

It's got the stage me and my current partner of 8 years are being affected again. Anyone who's read my past posts know its been a loong fight with my ex and its almost destroyed us many times and it's happening again. She said she doesn't no if she can stay around and watch me be destroyed day in and out and have so much anxiety and be spoke to like shit when I see my daughter once every other week and most of the time she doesn't even act like she enjoys seeing me 

 

Shes already started looking at places to rent around our area as she can't cope with it anymore.

 

I'm well and truly at a loss. Honestly I wish I never got in contact with my daughter again and waited till she was abit older and away from the mum so we can build our own relationship because now the image of me is so twisted and tainted because of the mum.

 

I just don't no what to do I have a lovely home family it's perfect its just this always happens and I'm at a loss because it'll end up being the end of us and it's at the point now.

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Topic starter Posted : 12/03/2021 8:00 pm
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Today I messaged my ex saying its so hostile and toxic that our daughters being affected and untill she's older and has her own phone brain I feel as if we can't build a relationship she replied saying so you just want to call now until she's older and between both of you. I replied saying she's in the middle to much and it's bad for her health she replied that's fine.

 

Personally think its all she wanted was to push and push and push till I gave up its all she's ever done she's now won.

But I can't keep going meeting her being made the bad guy while the mum manipulates her so much that whatever I say I'm bad mum can't be bad she doesn't enjoy it anymore and me being involved makes her so conflicted even if I say nothing she's always torn so if I do phonecalls I'm hoping the bond is there that when she's older secondary school has a phone she goes in about a year  we can build it and arrange to meet just us no mum 

 

Might be a pipe dream but mentally it's xxxx me and my current family life is on a knifes edge constantly of ending 

 

Proberly be called a xxx for doing it by many people but if anyone reads my past posts of the 9 years of hell I'd hope they would understand 

This post was modified 7 months ago 2 times by Champagne
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Topic starter Posted : 13/03/2021 2:17 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

Hi

 

No one will think badly of you. Reading you history you've tried. Potentially I'd say that as you've decided to go down this route then at least be the one to tell your daughter in person with one final meet.. Explain a little but not too much and leave some hope about the future so that your daughter understands and has something to look forward to. Rather than leaving it to your ex.

 

I hope things get better for you.. Look into the counselling many of use suggested previously or other support to ensure that the impact of this doesn't feed into your current family/relationship (easier said than done I know)...

 

All the best.. 

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Posted : 13/03/2021 2:39 pm
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

@Daddyup thankyou for the reply. 

I'm not sure if she's already been told my ex was really blunt at replying she's never that calm and I got the vibe she finally thought she'd won that's why so I'm unsure if she's told her or not I've had no messages atall from anyone I said I'd ring still and speak to her so she will hopefully want to then we can keep the bond there till its more free. 

 

I'm hoping when she goes secondary school and has a phone and less control we can build it back up then she starts next year but it feels like its so unhealthy for her at the moment and I don't want her being in the middle of it all anymore.

I personally feel that she's going to hate me more if it's constant slagging each other off in person then just a phoncall about the week ect. 

 

It's a horrible situation that shouldn't of happend in the first place buts it's escalated so so much. 

 

I think I'll look into counselling and I'm so shut off by everything and so afraid to open up due to being constantly screwed over 

 

I don't want it to end like this I love her so much but it's gone to far I just hope I can keep some sort of connection through calls that when we can be together that she'll want to I just feel like a bad person as I can now but mentally none of us can cope anymore.

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Topic starter Posted : 13/03/2021 5:55 pm
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

Following on from me messaging my ex I get a text randomly this evening saying hi daddy why don't u want to see me anymore.

I explain about it all I don't slate the mum just say its so hostile and she's in the middle of it we'll do phonecalls still untill she's older and we can have our own relationship. 

She replys saying mummy has nothing to do with this.

 

I reply explaining about it 

She replys with ??? 

 

It all seems so strange to me a kid doesn't reply like that she didn't ask or even say please can we carry it on. Not that I want her to say or be upset it just seems odd to me 

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Topic starter Posted : 13/03/2021 11:23 pm
Daddyup
(@Daddyup)
Honorable Member Registered

It could be your ex replying in order to continue your emotional roller-coaster.

 

However if it is your daughter then doing things via phone/text is the not the easiest for a child to grasp and converse about such things.

 

Now that you've decided, either meet her in person to explain or take time away until she's at high school with a phone etc. If you continue to engage it will only cause more confusion all round. 

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Posted : 14/03/2021 12:16 am
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

@Daddyup thankyou for replying 

 

Do you think if I carry on with pbonecalls and speaking to her weekly till she's older with her own phone then we meet just us is the wrong way to do it?

 

Also do you reckon it could be sue sent them messages and hadn't really bothered sending more because of all the stuff I've previously explained and she doesn't feel that close to me.

 

I feel horrible about all this its not an easy decision one of the hardest but mentally all around even for her I don't think its emotionally helping her atall seeing me she's so in the middle and says stuff without even knowing why she's saying it.

 

I appreciate your replys 

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Topic starter Posted : 14/03/2021 10:07 am
Lostinblac
(@lostinblac)
Estimable Member Registered

As in I'd rather have a non direct relationship via calls and talking on roadblox  if she wanted to just so when we meet alone in a year or 2 or more that its not from nothing 

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Topic starter Posted : 14/03/2021 10:09 am
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