This is a bit long but we really need advise.
so me and my partner have know each other for years and grew up in the care system together. Only recently in the last 12 months we formed a relationship and very quickly find out we are having a baby. My partner already has 3 children from a past relationship and I also have 1 child from a past relationship.
we as a couple are great we are just a normal family but like any couple we have rows. Unfortunately my partner used to get physically abused by her ex partner with still has a big impact on her even now but she’s still working on herself.
anyway when we argue every time I have raised my voice she has called the police to get me removed and everything calms down straight away and with in half hour we’re back together like nothing has happened this has happened a few times.
the next time we argue I end up smashing a window and a tv witch is unacceptable and something I am ashamed of and on reflection embarrassed that I allowed myself to get like that again the police get called and I am arrested. My partner also suffered a mark on her leg caused by her catching it on a baby gate while we were arguing. The police have made this out to be common assault that my partner has gone mad about as she hasn’t made any assault allegations and also told how she got the mark. I was released on police bail with the conditions not to go near my partners address and not to contact her in anyway.
of course as soon as I was released we were back together only for me to find out that the social services are involved and we’re going to be carrrying out an investigation. We heard nothing and then got a letter to say they had no concerns but want to work with us when they are free due to Covid.
my partner has been asking the social to contact me to help us work on our family as we’re not supposed to be in contact no once did they try and contact me. My partner also rang the police to retract her original statement.
before any of this had happened we secured a new house that we were waiting to move into so we finally moved into a new home and we had one aregument I’d locked my partner out the house and gone to work I thought she had gone to her friends as she packed her things and took the children. I arrived home from my work and my partner returns home kicking the door smashing me car and works van so I refuse to let her in.
I assumed the kids were at her friends so I messaged her mate to come and get her the next thing you know the police are kicking my door in and I’m arrested. And sent to court the next day and released on court bail. Same conditions.
this time iv come out. My partner had gone to the children’s school to use there phone to ask the speak to the social becuz she thought I had locked her out and she wanted them to help the kids for the night while she sorted things out and it was the social who called the police.
my partner and I know what mess we have got ourselves in but now the social have made her sign a paper not to let the children near me to be reviewed in 14 days. We want to work with the social we want our family together we’ve been asking for help.
now we’re unsure of how to go about it becuz my partner doesn’t want us to have a non molatation order as we have a baby on the way I have 2 breaches of a non mol via text massages on my record so none of it looks good.
we both know where we have gone wrong and how we have got into this mess we just don’t know how to approach the courts or the social
Thats a very sad story. It sounds as though you both need support with your relationship and possibly anger issues. Perhaps if you accept this and tell social services they might be able to help with a course/programme for you to work on. Domestic abuse has a very serious effect on children and can damage them psychologically so you can see why social services are taking this very seriously. As a couple you might try Relate and perhaps try to work out why you argue and how to avoid the trigger points
Hi
I think it's got to be tough for you guys, however it's positive that you recognise the need to look for support. I'd break things down into 3 parts.
Relationship - you both need to work on the challenges with your relationship, maybe consider Relate or other similar service (Only Dad's, Caring Dads etc) to help work on things. It's not healthy for you guys or the kids if everytime you argue, calling the police is the only option.
Children - you have to think about the impact on the children, if the relationship doesn't improve then social services will get more involved and you guys run the risk of them suggesting you separate or they would look to remove kids (only in extreme circumstances although domestic abuse really does impact the kids) especially with the number of police call outs and non mols and breaches of non mols.
Legal - you need to be careful that you do not build the case so much for the police re evidence, that the police decide to charge you and prosecute without your partners consent (this is possible), especially if they have evidence of call outs, breaches of non mols, possible assaults, etc.. If they do decide to prosecute and you are convicted then it makes it easier for social services to say you need to stay away from partner and children.
I think you need to focus on working on the relationship. Ultimately some relationships are so volatile that they just don't work but this is a decision you both have to make.
All the best.
Thanks for you reply.
me and my partner do understand where we are going wrong we don’t argue offer or at all we’ve had 3 argument 3 times the police get called. My partner is from an abusive ex who used to beat her she lives in a town with no support network other than my self it’s is only when I raise my voice that she gets sacred and rings the police as she’s the police as her only safety net. And I complete get and understand why she would be like that. On the other hand I do also need to learn her triggers and something I am fully invested in and understanding how to get things the way they should be but also getting an understanding of her past.
I have never been physically violent in any of my relationships. The breaches of the non mol were to a past relationship back on 2017 only via text
My partner is trying to relay all this information on to everyone but no one is listening to her.
we understand why they are here and we are willing to work with them but they are doing things without even trying to understand any of the mess.
im lost with all of it as well trying to figure out stuff it’s all new to me so as much advise as you could give me would be really appreciated
thanks
You've been given great advice in the above posts and I agree with that wholeheartedly. I would also add that whatever hoops you are asked to jump through by any of the professionals, you must do this to move forward. Best of luck.