Hello everyone
Hoping your situations are getting better. Mine isn't. Now a month since I've seen my 2 month old and looks set to get even nastier. Had a terrible week last week, 2 nights on the phone to Samaritans and really at an all time low. Appetite zero and losing weight at a rate of knots, and work also suffering.
Nothing helps really does it. The forum is great, FNF have been excellent but ultimately you're on your own. To say I feel completely isolated and in a different world is an understatement. I've never known pain like this, and knowing my ex, I dont think ill ever have a stable relationship with my daughter now.
How do you keep going. Im exhausted with it all.
Wishing you all strength. Any tips for finding some extra strength and grit would be most welcome.
SO
Hey there!
How your feeling is not unusual and I do not say that to belittle it I say it to give you some comfort and strength.
My weight went down to 10.5 stone, work suffered and I became the Samaritans best friend so what you say resonates with me.
Take hope in that it doesnt last forever and you can get over it.
Be gentle on yourself and accept that you are going through a traumatic time but also accept that it is you who can only ultimately get you through this.
I went to the doctor and spoke with him and was put on medication which helped. Dont be to proud to accept the relief that the medication will provide if suggested by a medical proffesional.
Avoid maladaptive coping strategies, alcohol and any drug or medication not prescribed. I also cut out caffiene as suggested by BoycieUK which helped. Bit of a bummer as Im partial to a latte but and drink tea like a fish as well. Reducing caffiene deffinately helped.
Set yourself a routine with defined wake up, lunch, dinner and bedtime. If you miss of any of it dont berate yourself but do strive to adhere to it.
Make sure you eat breakfast, mines is porridge, easy to get down and slow release energy. By starting our metabolism early you should feel hungry by lunchtime. Hopefully, not always the case especialy when I was particularly low.
Plan in leisure time in the same way you would work. Meet friends, do excercise, walk cycle run just get out the prison, I mean house.
Speak with your manager and explain the situation, get support from your work place so that they understand. Most are sympathetic.
I had to change jobs within my company to ease the pressure. Im fortunate that I work from home so when I was not good I would take an afternoon nap.
If it is available via work, NHS or you can afford to go private get councilling and cognative behaviour therapy.
Go easy on yourself, set goals, look after yourself and remember nothing is forever, change is a constant.
Lastly, keep visiting this forum..:)
Regards,
Dave
I also like the below and have it on the wall in my office.
My mind, body and spirit are strong • I take time each day to rejuvenate and recharge • I draw from a deep well of peace and calm • I breathe in strength and release my fears • I go after my hearts deep desires • I can accomplish anything • All of my dreams are coming true • I focus on my goal and have the strength to make it happen.
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S T R E N G T H
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I choose to be unstoppable • I am strong • I act in spite of my fears • I am bigger than my concerns and worries • I go for it with gusto! • I can do anything i put my mind to • Each day i am getting stronger • I take great care of myself • The strength of others inspires me daily. • I trust my intuition and live a courageous life.
I don't think I can add any better advice than DaveR has given you - you need to look after yourself as the number 1 priority, because when you have that right, then you are better prepared to face everything that your ex is throwing at you. I know it seems hard, I didn't have it anything like as bad as some dads on here, and it was still bad enough, but a few years on and life is so much different now, but it all starts with you.
Hi strugglingon,
Really sorry to read that you are going through such a tough time at the moment. DaveR has given some really good advice.
Keep talking - you may find that you don't feel quite so isolated.
Gooner
Hi,
hope things are working out for you. From November last year I hadn't seen my daughter for 6 months until my first court hearing, at the start I went through the stages you went/are going through. All I can say is you need to take little steps and the most important thing is that you need to look after yourself. If you are in a good place, when your Daughter needs you, you will be able to be there for her.
I bought a bike, started to get fit, make new friends & old, started making wooden furniture and got back into photography. I am very aware these were distractions from the ongoing battle to see my daughter (1 tomorrow), but my god did I need them. Now I am fitter then ever, have a good support system of friends/family and new hobbies which hopefully my daughter will be interested in one day.
A friend once said to me regarding my situation 'it is what it is'. It took me a little while to figure out what he meant but it finally dawned on me. You can sit there, go over everything in your mind and wonder what if or deal with the situation as it is. Sometimes life will test you, if you can deal with this then you will be able to deal with anything
Also talk to people, I have talked my friends/families ears off but now I am much more open with talking and it really does help. This Forum is a godsend and we are all here to support you.
Lots of us feel for you, there is no easy answer I am afraid, but there is a lot of good advice here.
Antlen's suggestion of fitness training is a very good one. Exercise takes your mind off things, gets you fitter and makes you more tired so you sleep better at night.
Try (as best you can, I know it is difficult) to build a relationship with your daughter.
Good luck my friend,
A
I know how you feel I'm going through it now. Since my ex-wife left with my son in Feb I've been like a zombie. Go to bed thinking of him and wake up thinking of him. I have nightmares occasionally about the day I received the non-molestation order or have dreams about happy times with my wife. I then wake up and be on the verge of wanting to text her or call, but I have to control and remind my self what could happen if she called the cops. Its a daily battle to stop myself from contacting her. Need to keep reminding myself that she isn't the woman I loved and loved me any more, she is the enemy. I say this now but I know, maybe later today I'll be back wanting to text her again. I'm still not over it.
I guess the main fear that causes the most pain is the "What if", the fear of the unknown and not being in control of your future.
Not gonna lie, I still harbour a stupid hope that my wife just comes back. I dont actually want her back but if it means more time with son, then ill sacrafise my happiness. However she will never come back. The divorce petition arrived and I have agreed to it, sent it off. Yet, there is still hope. Its stupid and I wish I knew how to get rid of it.
Tempted to go on dating sites. However, I let myself go a bit during marriage so need to get back in shape.No woman would be interested in me in the state Im in. Concentrating on making yourself look good might help, it gives me some hope of a future.
I tried the dating thing, lots of times.
You end up in bad places with people who think they can save you. Or worse still you realise you are using these women.
Not a good idea.
Trust me. Not early on.
I think that's good advice re dating - you need to be ready for it to be fair to everyone.
All really good pieces of advice . I am no hippy but found that just 10 minutes a day just sitting taking time to sit quietly and breath has helped me no end.