Good evening,
I have a very controlling mother in law, everything has to be her way if she doesn't get her own way she gets really upset and spiteful (acts like a child). I said to my girlfriend at the beginning of the pregnancy that I didn't want her mother at the birth because I don't want to feel like the third person at my own daughters birth. She agreed and we said that she won't be at the birth. A few weeks ago we got the terrible news that my father in law passed away. Now my girlfriend is insisting that her mother is at the birth because it will cheer her mother up and be something pleasnt. Her mother is all excited now and won't stop talking about her being one of two birthing partners also arranging all the things before I get a chance to do so. Although I feel very sorry for the loss of her husband. I still really don't want her at the birtj because I want to be in control of the situation at the birth of my daughter.
Please can I have your views on this?
Thanks
Hello,
What an awful situation in which you have been placed.
I think it is essential you have an honest and open talk to your girlfriend regarding how you feel, without delay.
Giving birth is a very, very personal, precious and private time for both parents. There is no place or reason for other members of the family to be there.
Regarding your Mother in Law, it is very sad she has lost her husband and you sound as though you have a great deal of empathy for her which is to your credit. However, I believe this could snowball where M.in L . could make the baby the centre of her world to the exclusion of everyone else. Her grief may be "blinding" her to the reality of the situation which is that you, mother and baby need to have time on your own and she should respect this.
When a person is bereaved they will cling to anything that makes the agony of grief lessen, it serves as a diversion from grieving. Trying to avoid grieving can, in fact, prolong the grieving process.
The bereaved very often no longer feel needed. If you think of things she could do to help which would make her feel needed but in ways which SUIT YOU and your girlfriend, you most certainly would be helping M.in L. and at the same time safeguarding your position as the father whose voice should be heard and opinions respected.
MOAF has given you some very good advice. I would echo that it is imperative you speak with your girlfriend openly about these issues, it must be very hard for both of you to deal with and your girlfriend has also lost her father. Keep posting and we will try to offer as much support as we can.
Good luck