Hi, my names Paul and I am 50. I have one daughter of 13 with my partner. Ever since I have known my partner she has been very aggressive when things don't go her way. I am at my wits end as I cant take the verbal anymore. She has very low self esteem and had some drug issues before she met me but never since.
I work 2 jobs and do as much as I am ALLOWED to do around the house. She will clean the kitchen for 2 hours after dinner but would not hoover a carpet in the living room or my daughters bedroom for a year. It's mad! But if I offer I am told I will only spread the dust.
Things have now come to a head and I have told her I wont take anymore shouting. On my birthday I was called an ignorant piece of Irish S*** at full scream volume in front of my daughter. All because I dared asked her not repeat something she was not happy about for the fourth time. I love my daughter to bits and don't want to leave her but I know I will become ill if this goes on any longer. People close to me have heard recordings of her outbursts at home and can't believe that I have let her speak to me in this way.. They say its abuse.
Anyway, my question is regarding our house. We have a mortgage on this. the repayment at the moment is around 700 pound plus another 600 on bills and direct debits. This leaves me very little to rent another place local. I dont want my daughter to have to leave the house as its in a nice area near her school. I am happy to move out and pay my way. My partner has a part time job but does not get a lot and wouldn't be able to contribute hardly anything towards bills. Where do I stand on this. Is it easy to carry on paying interest only in my position? My partner inherited a lump of money which she cant touch until other circumstances in her family change. But it is enough to cover any eventual outstanding balance. I would gladly let her live in the house as long as she wants and keep any money she put in to pay off the mortgage so I can live life too. But what help can I get in the meantime. Thanks
Hi There,
It sounds as though you are in a very tough position.
Could I suggest though that before you walk away you maybe try and seek some help in the relationship, try relate or similar to see if they could help the two of you live together in a better way than you do now.
If it is truly too late for that then you are probably going to need some legal advice where the house and finances are involved, we are able to offer advice on family law and if it extends past our own knowledge then we do have a legal team who can help, but as with most of us our knowledge on finacial side of things is a little more limited.
That said if it were me I would contact the mortgage company and ask them for advice, they are going to be able to help as in the long run all they want is paying, and if you are happy to continue to pay I'm sure they will have some ideas to be able to offer.
GTTS
Thanks for such a quick reply. I would love this to have worked out but there is so much more which I couldn't write down. My partner just puts the shutters up if anyone dares question or challenge her. She has not spoken to her own sister for 15 years which means my daughter has never met 3 of her first cousins. She now does not talk to my mother who only lives down the road. I am on egg shells whenever I ask if my mother can pick my daughter up from an activity. I took my daughter to Ireland last year for a quick visit to see her cousins there. My partner phoned me up at 2 in the morning and threatened to have harm done to me If I ever took her away again. Unlikely to happen but still not nice.Its as though as long as i pay the bills and keep quiet and don't interfere with day to day things all is OK. She also needs me for every day admin things as she cannot cope with stuff like that.
Also, on holiday 2 years ago my daughter at the age of 10 said she couldn't cope with her mothers outbursts anymore. She approached me while we were in the pool and said that she didn't want to live with her mum anymore. This followed one the several outburst that she has had while we've been on holiday. I never did tell my partner of this incident as i was worried how she would have reacted to our daughter.
Hi,
I think you need to seek some advice, both about the finance side of things but also the family side too, If your daughter feels this way then you will need to consider her in any decision you make as what ever happens its going to have a huge impact on her.
GTTS
In my opinion this is dpmestic abuse and you should treat it as such.
Make reports to the Police and social services. Kick her out the house, stay put and offer her contact with the children.
Is the house jointly owned?
Others will have more advice which Id urge you to listen to as this is my 2 cents based on quickly reading your post.
Regards,
Dave
Do not move out of the family home.
Dave
I initially put a large deposit down 12 years ago but put the flat in both our names a few years after to ease her fears. Now in both names but I have paid every mortgage and direct debit bill for the whole time. I've never complained.
I'm no Mr perfect but I'm not violent, fairly kind and get on with people.
My partner has a deep seated hate for my mother and dislike for my nieces. My daughter would really like to see them more often but the other half has made it clear she's not happy about that so my daughter says nothing since the last trip to Ireland. I cant believe my partner has a fairly decent standard of living but dislikes so many people around her. A close friend thinks she may even have Aspergers or something. You could never suggest anything like that although I would have liked her to see someone.
As I sometimes work late I would sometimes sleep on the couch the odd night so not to wake anyone up. This was also better for my back. When I suggested a new bed I was told the old one was good enough and have slept on the couch for the last 2 years. This just isn't good and I can't see any positives.
My daughter does get on slightly better with her mother but she is that bit older and wiser. Unfortunately she watches from a distance while I get most of the scream ups. God knows what goes through her head. I just want it to stop and be happy.
I agree with the above - I think you should be staying in the house with your daughter and your ex should be the one moving out.
Just read your posts again.
So you are joint owners of the property. Is there any agreement around who owns what % of the house?
If not and you she is on the mortgage but your not married then she will be entitled to 50% of the equity.
The key here for you is do not move out.
With regards to the domestic violence that you and your daughter are being exposed to you need to act upon that and report it to the Police (get referred to the local DV team who will help you, dont let them fob you off as you and your daughters are victims) and let them hear the recordings that you have. I would also speak with your GP and make them aware of the situation and that it is affecting your health so that you can get health advice for yourself and the DV is recorded in your medical records.
Speak to the GP about getting help for your daughter and maybe they can get you a health visitor or social worker.
Id also consider an occupation order and a non molestation order so that she is excluded from the family home and cannot move back in or further molest you or your daughter.
On top of all of that you should consider going to court asking for sole residency of your daughter.
Its a lot to do and others may offer more specific advice and the order to go about this, Id go to the GP first.
I dont want to come across like a war monger but your partner need dealing with and dealt with in the best way to protect you and your daughter.
Regards,
Dave
Hello lovelife and welcome to the forums,
I have read this top to bottom and i have to agree with DaveR. It may seem a little harsh but you need to be mindfull of what your partner/expartner will do once she finds out you are not happy and you want your relationship to come to an end.
I dont confess to know either of you but this could have the potential to be messy and you need to be prepared for it.
Its a shame that your relationship has come to this and i am truly sorry. You are doing the right thing getting advice.
Thanks
Sean
Hi,
After reading your more recent posts with some more detail, I agree with whats been said, you are in a position where your main concern is for yours and your daughters well being, as said go to the GP, and report it to them so it's on file, then to the police and file a complaint (use the recordings to back this up) and then involve SS too.
What you may find is that when the proccess has started that it will force your partner to face whats happening and seek some help for herself, which you never know may manage to save the relationship, though through what you've said I would'nt do it for that reason.
I would imagine that as has been said that the flat will be owned 50/50 and you may either have to buy her out, sell up, or just leave her on the named on the mortgage for the time being until you are in a possition to do anuthing.
This is going to be a very daunting time for both you and your daughter so make sure you go to the GP and then set up a plan that will allow you to care for yourself and her while you both adjust and deal with the fall out.
If your partner resists the orders put in place then you may be in for a long ride with police call outs ect, but I do think from the extra info you've given this would be the correct course of action to take.
And remember we are all here for support and advice, or even just to sound off.
GTTS